Sunday, December 28, 2008

Long time no talk...

Wow.  I have been a very bad blogger.  It has been since November 4th since I posted.  ****Nov 4 is the b/day for 2 of my ex-boyfriends AND their weird is that???***

Lots has happened - good and bad.  My youngun and I officially became boyfriend and girlfriend (and he even introduced me as such to his siblings).  And then we broke up. It was a lot of fun and while it was very painful to break up, it was bound to happen.  I won't get into all the details of it.  But I couldn't honestly see myself married to him.  He was almost a crutch, in a way.  Someone for me to date and have fun with, but I didn't have to worry about long term.  Which is bad, cuz I am 38.  I can't just be dating someone to date someone.  That is just wasting time, right?  But the relationship did make me see that I DO want to have someone in my life.  I don't want to be alone and I don't have to be.  

And maybe, just maybe, I could actually have what I want: a man and a baby.  I have been told that I am too negative.  That I expect the bad to happen - almost to a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Which is horrible - but true?  I know I tend to have a more "realistic" outlook.  But could my failure to always be hopeful have been my downfall?  I don't mean with my miscarriages. There is no amount of hope that could have saved those sweet babies.  But is my less-than-sunny outlook affecting other aspects of my life?

I think this is something I really need to work on.  But I am just not sure how.  I was told to do "affirmations".  Which, to my negative mind, seem a little too new-age.  But hey.  I am turning over a new leaf.  Maybe I will.  It also made me think of a post I read on a blog.  I don't remember the verbiage (or maybe even the exact intent), but it was something about how you can't expect someone else to make you happy. You just need to do whatever you can to make others happy and not worry about how they reciprocate.  You almost need to place your family/friends first and go from there.  I believe I am a good sister/aunt/daughter.  As a friend, I am probably in need of some work.  I don't call friends regularly. I don't email.  I work with a lot of my good friends.  When they leave the company, I see them regularly, but not one on one.  I see them in our group.  Or if they move, I talk to them sporadically and use Facebook to throw comments their way.  

Maybe this is what my New Year's Resolution should be.  Not to get back in shape/exercise, find a man or get pregnant - but to be a better person.  A more thoughtful, positive, "other-centered" person.  I am just working through all this today.  I probably need to let it settle and ruminate for a while on it.  This is a good place for me to just get stuff out and see how it goes.

Ok - so I think I need to end on positive things or things I am thankful for or something "good".

Got it!  You know how I have talked about my youngun's sweet bottom?  He had a kick-ass 4-pack to go with it.  It wasn't a 6-pack ab, but sweet heaven, those 4 were pretty damn fine...the finest I have seen in at least the last decade.  That was a great gift for a 38 year old woman....and one I am most definitely thankful I got to enjoy.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

A bit of this a bit of that....

So, as usual, nothing new on the baby making front.  I am pretty much NOT doing anything until January or February.  I will start thinking seriously about the frozen embryo transfer (FET) after the holidays.

But I have had some interesting things happen.  The first is CRAZY!  So, during my marriage, I was really good friends with my ex's sister and SIL.  We went out at least once a month, emailed, talked on the phone, etc.  They were truly 2 of my closest friends.  Well, after my ex decided he wanted a divorce, I relied pretty heavily on them.  They were totally like "he is a stupid asshole" and very supportive of me.  I mean, they loved him but they HAD to since he was family.  But after about 6 or 7 months, the ex told the girls they had to choose - him or me.

 I totally understood the difficult position he had put them in.  Here he was, living with the floozy, trying to pretend he didn't do anything wrong and that he started "dating" her after our separation.  Whatever.  But the fact that I was still friends with the girls and hanging out with them was just too much to take.  Now, I think I can honestly say I would never do that to my brothers (but they didn't like him so I knew that was never a possibility :))  Anyway, he gave them an ultimatum and they caved.  While I understand their point, I was still pissed that they gave in and allowed him to dictate their actions.  Whatever.    

Well, this weekend I ran into his sister at the mall!  It was crazy.  I haven't seen the ex for about 2 years and haven't seen the girls for about a year (we cheated and accidentally "ran into" each other at a bar a few times).  So I catch up with the sister about her life and the SIL's life.  It was great to see her.  After about 10 minutes, I finally break down and ask about the ex.  Evidently, he is no longer with the floozy.  She didn't know who ended it or any details.  I couldn't decide how I felt. On one hand, at least if he was still with the girl he left me for, it would seem worth it.  On the other hand, I hoped that he dumped her so she knew what I felt like.  But I don't really care (is that the right word??) whether he is happy or not.  While I don't actively wish him ill, I wouldn't be unhappy if something bad happened to him.  My mom still wishes that he somehow would have died in an accident before the separation. :)  That way I would have had the house and some $$.  But she is a very protective mama.  You don't want to wound one of her kids - she will run over you without blinking.  She actually wanted to put some shrimp in a vent at this house when I moved out....she was mad and didn't understand why I wouldn't let her! :)

Anyway, I just thought it was interesting.  It is sad, in a way, that he doesn't have a better relationship with his sister and SIL. But that is his choice.  And he needs to live with those.

My youngun.  He is just such a an extreme.  He is going to a republican candidate's results party tonight.  At the candidate's MIL's house. :)  I had no desire to be a part of that.  But he did ask me to go to the Nebraska football game with him this weekend and spend the night in Lincoln.  The odd thing is this:  Lincoln is about 30 minutes away and the game is at 1:30.  Hmmmm.  I told him I was up for whatever and he should plan it.  I am interested in seeing what exactly happens with that.  I don't have any way of defining what we have.  I am just enjoying it.

What else?  Not much.  It has been a busy two weeks - a fun two weeks.  I have been fairly upbeat - but I also haven't been thinking about the baby quest too much.  

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Nothing New

I haven't posted in a while.  I feel guilty about that so will post a Seinfeld-esque (how do you spell that??) post about nothing.

I held my friend's sweet baby girl today - what a little doll.  For some reason, it wasn't painful.  I felt a twinge, an "I want this" sort of thing, but it wasn't heartbreaking.  It was good. She is a beautiful little thing and her big brother is a charmer.

Although, I ate at Cheesecake Factory this week and every other woman through those damn doors was pregnant.  Bitches. Each and every one of them.

I am going out of town to see another friend tomorrow.  I plan on drinking a lot.  But I have to drive, so that plan may need to be amended.  I am really looking forward to it.

I woke up this morning to Murray, my cat, dry heaving in the hall.  

This rain is making me sleepy.  I should turn on my furnace, but I am cheap and roll up in a blanket.  I found an electric throw and just about did a cart wheel in Sears.  I can keep my furnace on 62 with that thing...except in the mornings - then I need at least 68 to shower.  I haven't actually gotten the electric throw yet, but I am glad to know it is there.

Can you tell I am cheap?  I never turn the air on (unless it is consistently above 90) and keep the furnace set super low.  My mom wants me to get an electric throw for her too, as she shivers whenever she comes over.  Maybe I am taking this cheap thing too far????

Halloween is my 2nd favorite holiday.  I need to start thinking of a costume.  I think I am actually very good at coming up with odd ideas.  I went as a flower pot one year - cut the bottom out of a big plastic tub (you remember those old blue ones with rope handles???), held it on with suspenders and put that green styrofoam (that they use in flower arrangements) around the inside of the tube and stuck in fake flowers. I had on brown tights (dirt, for those who can't figure it out), astroturf around the bottom of the tube (um, grass), a green turtleneck (the flower stem) and a childs headband with petals on my head.  It was actually a very good costume. Until I figured out a) I could not sit down and b) I couldn't pee.  Both are pretty important.  Oh well.  I looked cute.

My youngun is still around.  Both brothers and sisters in law gave a "no comment". After he grilled my SIL about just voting for Obama cuz she is black, I pretty much knew the favorable comments were not coming.  The youngun doesn't do it to be intentionally offensive. He is just a bit socially awkward.  But that sweet bottom just keeps drawing me in.  Maybe if I take advantage of him for awhile, the appeal will wear off.

Another friend of mine wants to set me up with one of her hubbie's friends.  I have met him before and he seems nice.  He has a 2 year old son, so is a proven breeder...which is a bonus.  In the old days, didn't the man look for a "breeder"?  Hmmm.  Oh well. I need someone with some powerful sperm - and a million dollars.

I still have 4 frozen embies in the freezer. I think I may try in January or February.  It just depends. My place of employment had some lay offs last week. I was a brilliant planner and didn't teach my staff everything.  I am the only one who knows everything about the rules/systems.  If they lay me off, they are screwed.  But if they laid me off, I don't think I would care if they were screwed, would I?

Ok - I have posted enough to not feel guilty. Peace out.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Poem

I found this poem on another blog and wanted to share.

I will be better...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.  I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.  I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.  My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.  Whether I parent a child I actually gave birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.  I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall, I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.   So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.  I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.  I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother. ~ Author Unknown.

Now, granted, some of this poem seems a bit over the top.  But I like the overall message.  And though I am not in the "I have prevailed" mindset, I will be someday.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I am....

broken. I am tired. I am in need.  I have all these negative adjectives to describe me.  But I do have good moments.  And they almost make everything worse.  I am putting on my strong face - the one that shows I am fine with all that has happened.  Sometimes I believe it too, and think 'ok - you are going to be better than before.'  I mean, how can I go through all this and not be a better person?  I am most definitely stronger.  I have wonderful parents/family/friends.  I have a lot more than most.  I know I have a lot more debt than most - but that is for me to think about later.   I may try to sell my house and move in with my parents.  I can get by as is, but I don't want to just "get by".  I don't want to have to not go see a friend because I don't have the gas $$ budgeted for it.  And that makes me feel like  a loser, so we won't go into that now.

I know I should make this "lighter" - get some humor going.  And believe me, there are some things that are actually funny that I could share.  But while I can see the humor in them, they have a sad side that almost makes me feel worse.

What have I done to change my life in the last 2 weeks?  I went to a football game (which my team lost in a very heart wrenching way).  I took my nephew on a field trip.  He is not yet 3, so can't ride the bus and the only way for him to go to the pumpkin patch with his daycare class was to have someone drive him.  That sweet little boy has always had a special place in my heart.  Not only because he is my nephew.  When he was born, it was a bittersweet moment for me.  Here was this beautiful baby, that I held when he was just hours old.  I held him and cried - tears of both joy and sorrow.  Pure joy for my family and sorrow that I was having such a hard time getting pregnant for the 2nd time.  Well, 2 weeks after Ben's birth I got pregnant.  What a double blessing.  But I lost that sweet baby.  The day after my d&c, my ex and I went to the cemetery to visit my Uncle Dean's grave. I cried and talked to Dean and asked him to watch over my babies.  When we were done, I needed to stop by Ben's house. I needed to hold a baby in my arms.  My sister-in-law was so sweet.  Ben was sleeping in his swing and she just lifted him out and put him in my arms.  I remember so vividly.  Why do we always remember the painful moments with more clarity than the joyful ones?  

I was crying, tears streaming down my face.  Ben was just cuddled in my arms.  All of a sudden, he stirred, opened his eyes, looked and gave me this gassy, baby smile. He then just went right to sleep.  It was both heartbreaking and wonderful.  Ben's daycare provider couldn't take him when my SIL's maternity leave was up, so my mom and I took turns watching him during the day.  I think that was instrumental in starting my healing process.  After having the baby girl I so desperately, desperately wanted taken, I could pour out my love on this sweet baby boy.  I got to rock him to sleep, sing to him, cuddle him, love him.  I could almost pretend he was kinda mine, in a way.  I love my niece and nephew in different ways - but just as much.  While Claire is just a joy, Ben saved me, in a way.  I will always look at him as the child I could never have.  Not that I think of him as "mine". I am not a looney (yet).  But I don't know how to explain it any differently.

Well, that was quite a tangent.  But what a trip down memory lane.  So bittersweet.  Those weeks I was pregnant with Junior were the happiest of my life.  Everything was good (except for the constant worry).  I was happy with my ex - I remember he would come home from work and I would just be happy to see him.  After I lost Junior, I didn't really care.  I was just relieved to get home and be able to take a pill and numb everything.  I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to eat. I just wanted escape.  And it was during those months that he found someone else and started his affair.  I truly believe the demise of the marriage took both of us.  Both of us did something wrong and both of us allowed it to happen.  I know my grief affected every aspect of my life - maybe that was his way of dealing with it.  I doubt it, because he was an unfeeling asshole, but hey, I will be generous and at least allow the possibility (not that I believe it, mind you).

Oh good lord - this is a horrible post.  You will have to bear with me as I find my way back to the funny side of things.  I just need to get a lot of this stuff out.

Did I mention yet I saw Sarah Palin speak here in town?  With my 30 year old youngster?  I will freely admit I am mostly a democrat.  There are aspects of both parties I don't agree with, but socially, I am more liberal.  As a woman, I am glad to have a female as a VP candidate (president would be better, but don't get me started).  But I would really like to have a female candidate not say "you betcha" in a speech/interview/debate.  Call me screwy, but I don't believe my VP should be quite so "down home" and "normal".  Crazy, I know.  But anyway. So we were at the event - didn't get in line early enough to sit in the auditorium, but we did get to stand in an overflow room and watch her on a big screen.  Well, she came into the overflow room and said a few words before the main part.  My 30 year old (I need a name for him - give me suggestions) was trying to snap a picture of this woman 50 feet away. I stood back and let him have his moment.  But as I was standing back, I happened to casually glance at his bottom.  And good lord, ladies, it was wonderful.  I can honestly say that I have not seen a pair of jeans look quite so good on a man in I don't know how long.  I didn't even watch Palin after that. I just stood a little behind him and watched that bottom.  We are going to a football game this weekend and I think I may ask him to break those jeans out again.  It did funny things to my insides.

Ok - so I managed to end on a good note. That is a small victory.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


It was negative.  This $10,000 procedure didn't work.  I am not pregnant.  I am pretty much giving up on the hope that I will ever be pregnant.  I have all of these feelings and no way to really get them out.  My mom has been the one I have been the most open with in all this.  But she cried when I told her it didn't work.  How can I unload all these feelings on her when she already feels horrible?  I have always tried to put on a strong face for my friends.  It is horrible, but I don't want them to see just how much this is affecting me.  I don't want anyone's pity.  And, yes, they are my friends, but christ.  Why does nothing ever work out for me?

I have a good job, I love my family dearly, I have good friends.  But I have an ex husband who cheated on me, have lost 4 children and am 38 years old.  All my life, I just wanted one thing. One.  I wanted to have my own family.  If I couldn't have that with a husband, well fine.  I could do it on my least I thought I could.

When people run into my parents, they ask "what has happened to Amy lately".  Like everyone is just waiting for the next horrible thing.  And by god, I can't disappoint them, can I?

I know I have had a lot of bad things, horrible things, happen to me.  But I absolutely detest the pity.  So what if I am divorced?  Many people are - 50% of marriages and all that.  Yes, I have lost babies - and that is truly horrific.  But I have never behaved the victim to anyone.  I have had my pity parties here on my blog and to my mom/family and some friends.  But I always put on a brave face to the rest of the world.  It irks the HELL out of me that people still seem to have have this look of "poor you" on their faces when they ask how I am doing.  Why must my life be what others are thankful not to have??

My life has had some great experiences that many people never get.  Granted, they mainly revolve around meeting famous athletes, but still, that is something.  My life is not all bad.  But people still seem so sorry for me.

On one hand, I am grateful that they care.  And I know they do. I know these people honestly love me and wish nothing but the best for me.  And maybe they keep asking because they truly hope I have something great to share.

But when someone asks what is going on in my life, I have never once said "oh, I just lost a baby." "Oh, I lost another baby and a tube - I now have a 50% LESS chance of ever getting pregnant without assistance".  I never say the bad things.  And I always tell them a funny story. "Are you dating anyone?" "I am currently trying to become a cougar and working on a 30 year old" seems to be the popular one right now.  There is always some way to share things in my life in a humorous way.  But that is when I have my game face on.  When I hear someone say, always jokingly, "it's no wonder you can't get a man" I do get hurt. I mean, why would they say that?  I actually can get a man - I just can't find one I want to keep. And why should I settle?  

Although, today, right now, I think I would be happy to settle.  I would love to have a partner right now who would let me cry on his shoulder, hug me and tell me it will be ok.  Even though it won't, just to have someone would make this whole baby quest so much easier.  And not only cuz it would save me $800 on sperm each attempt!  But just to have another body to turn to for comfort.  Someone to share this load with.  Even my ex provided me some comfort after the loss of my 2nd baby.  And he was an asshole.  

And that is, I think, the most difficult part of this journey.  Not the realization that I may truly never have my own child (which is something I just can't even begin to process).  But the fact that I don't have anyone to share this with.  I don't have a husband/partner/boyfriend who I can go to, just sobbing, and walk into a hug.  I don't have anyone to wrap his arms around me and just let me rest and not be so strong all the time.  And that is what makes me cry.  Because if I truly had found someone, I might someday be able to deal with the fact that I can't have kids.  I would have that guy to grow old with and know that I wasn't alone.  Because as much as my family and friends love me, I am alone.  And I am now terrified I will be that way forever.  

Friday, September 26, 2008

18 Hours

I go in tomorrow for my blood work.  I have a very very bad feeling about this. I don't expect to get good news.  Most of the time I can be fairly positive, but I just don't have it in me right now.  I pray I am wrong, but we know how well prayer has worked for me in the past.

If I don't post for a while, you will know why.  

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Almost there

Only 2 more days.  2 more days before I find out if my IVF worked or not.  It has been a bit since I posted.  Did I mention I got a bladder infection from the transfer??  Ummm, evidently it isn't a good idea to get your bladder full to the bursting point then be afraid to pee very much.  I was on bed rest except for potty breaks.  Well, to me, that means "pee as little as possible". So I tried not to drink much and then made quick work whenever I couldn't hold it any longer.

Evidently that is a bad plan.  But I went in for a "culture" on Monday and they called in some pills for me.  I found out that a lot of the time if you chart your temp after IVF, you will see a constant low grade fever.  That sounds almost obsessive enough for me to really enjoy.  But I didn't know about it in time.  And it wouldn't have mattered much as I most likely have a fever from the infection.

I am feeling a few twinges and have felt warm...but that could be due completely to the infection.  Who knows. I am trying not to drive myself crazy with this.  

What else to share?  Have finally broken down and am going to lunch with boring guy (remember the one I threw back but then he somehow washed ashore again?).  He has been emailing me pretty much daily.  I bet he has had bad luck with the ladies.  I mean, I am great and all, but great enough to email me every day even though I told him I didn't want to date???Doubtful.  Maybe he has realized the error of his cheap ways.  Doesn't matter - I don't think you can change cheap.

I am currently working on a younger man - 30 to my 38 (jesus that is old).  At first, I thought it would be kinda cool to be a "cougar" but that almost sounds I am desperate.  And while I am getting slightly desperate for sex, this whole pregnant or not thing the last couple weeks has messed with my plan.  If I am pregnant, no sex for me.  I remember when I was married, my beloved dr hottie told me that sex would more than likely cause me to spot.  Like I need that extra stress...not even for the most fabulous sex would I chance that.  Wait.  If I could guarantee there would be no issues with the baby/pregnancy, I would give it up for certain people.  Gerard Butler, my beloved-dead-too-soon-Denny (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), Dave Matthews, a skinny Rob Thomas (not so much the chubby version). Oh and Jim Esch.  That politician is yummy.

I need to stop that list.  What was my point? I think I was going to talk about my new interest, but I got distracted and now I don't recall exactly where I was going.  I think I am going to end it on that note.

I will be sure to tell all 2 readers (Hi Herpersmama!!) just what I find out on Saturday.  Keep me in your prayers!!

Saturday, September 20, 2008


I had my transfer on Wednesday.  It went very well.  Dr D called to tell me I had 7 embies to choose from and she was VERY pleased with their quality.  She picked 3 to transfer in.  I had to have a full bladder when I got to the hospital at 9:30, so I thought "ok, I will tinkle at 8:00 and then drink water like crazy".  I mean, I didn't want to be in massive pain cuz I needed to potty...just minor pain.  

I am laying in bed in the hospital and the nurse tells me it is time to take my valium.  I drink 1/2 of a bottle of water with 3rd bottle, mind you.  I am comfortably uncomfortable if that make sense.  Then 15 minutes later, I am in HELL.  I don't know that I have ever been that uncomfortable.  It wasn't that I needed to pee, like where you cross your legs. It was "I have a SHARP SHOOTING pain down there and I can't stand it."  My mom called the nurse and, lord love her, she let me tinkle a bit to relieve the pressure.  She was a true angel.  

So then I have to walk down to the room where they will do the transfer....and by walk, I mean a hunched-over-shuffle.  I get on the table, feet in stirrups and the RE inserts the speculum.  That was NOT fun.  She keeps telling me I am going to push it out unless I relax.  Umm, lets see. My bladder is going to explode and I am to relax.  That valium didn't work at all.  I know during the transfer the u/s tech made some comment, but I couldn't, for the life of me, repeat it.  After the transfer, they put a catheter in. Let me tell you this: that feeling was almost better than sex.  It was pure JOY.  I just laid there with my eyes closed going "ahhhhhh".  My RE gave me pictures of the embies - I think she showed me which ones she transfered but I was so blissed out by the catheter that I don't know for sure what ones they were.

So I went home with my mom, laid on my butt and basically tried not to move very much.  It was boring, but necessary.  Now I am waiting.  I had a blood draw this morning - to find out what I am not sure.  I need to ask when they call in.

OH! I had some more good news.  All 4 remaining embies made it to blast stage and have gone to the freezer!  That is great news!! Hopefully I won't need them, but I am so blessed to have them there.  I pray that if I need them, 2 would make it through the thaw phase.  But I am not going to think of that yet.  I am just praying like crazy and hoping I will have some sticky beans in there. Please please please please please get the idea.

Monday, September 15, 2008

6 Eggs

I had my retrieval on Sunday.  It was a fairly odd experience - I went to the hospital, changed into a fabulous hospital gown and got some drugs.  They put me in a twilight sleep and took out 12 eggs.  It only took about 15 minutes and I woke up from the drugs about 20 minutes after the procedure.  They gave me some super strong tylenol and I went home.  I ended up sleeping most of the day with a heating pad on cuz I had some massive cramps.

I still feel pretty bloated, but no pain.  The dr called and they injected sperm (ICSI) directly into 11 of the eggs (evidently 1 ruptured or something).  Of the 11 that were injected,  7 fertilized - but only 6 fertilized normally.  I don't know if they are all good or what. I don't even know if it is normal to only have 50% of the eggs retrieved fertilized.  To me, that number seems low...but who knows.

The DR will call me again tomorrow to let me know what time my transfer is on Wednesday and will also give me an update on the status of the eggs.  They will transfer 3 (if available).  If there are more than 3 that are in good shape, they will freeze the remaining...just in case I need a frozen embryo transfer. What I REALLY want to happen is this cycle works and I can save the frozen ones for future siblings. :)  I have been praying as much as I can possibly pray.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, people.  I will update tomorrow when I know what the situation is. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Countdown Part Duex

Man - I really can't get that song out of my head!!  At least, I think it is that song.  I really can only think of one part...I am just assuming that part goes to that hair band song. Oh well.  UPDATE:  The song is Europe's "Final Countdown" - Thank you herpersmama for the info!  I am glad to know I am not making songs up in my head.

So, I went to the RE today and paid for my procedure.  They really need to give you something when they show you that invoice...vallium, xanax, something.  Cuz that is terrifying.  But I smiled and blithely signed my life away.  My lining is coming along (still) and my follies are not quite there. My nurse said I have plenty of time to get my lining up to snuff.   I am to continue the protocol and go back Friday morning.  They estimate the retrieval will be Sunday.  Which is good, as I only have 4 more shots left of my stims.  I have EXACTLY enough to get me to Friday morning and then I am done....out...finished.  Oh! Remember the shots I need to take to prevent ovulation?  The ones that are $98 each shot?  Well, those puppies buuurrrnnn.  They are not fun.  They hurt going in and then they burn for about 5 minutes after.  Ahh the joys I get to experience.  But I get 2 more days of them.  Yay!!

So, if I have retrieval on Sunday, I will have the transfer on Wednesday.  Can you say "holy crap!!!"  A week, people.  7 terrifying days until the transfer.  Yikes.

Ok - need to run.  Will try to post more when I have time.

Monday, September 8, 2008


Ok, so in my head I have some hairband singing "the final count-down"...not sure who.  I just know it is a hair band from the good old days. :)  If I had any IT/computer knowledge I would totally put that song on here...on you had to listen to it over and over and over....cuz that would be kinda torment the 2 readers who actually check this out (but never comment).  I mean, it isn't like I need validation (ok, maybe I do), but seriously, 1 comment ever.  That is a sad little commentary.  But I guess I don't post for you, dear reader (singular, not plural), I do it for posterity.  So I can look back in a year and remember all the struggles and (please god) look at my sweet baby(ies) and know he/she/they were worth it.  Anyway - tangent alert. Let me get back to it.

I went to the RE on Friday and was told my lining is "lagging behind".  But my follicles and blood work was good.  I was to continue my protocol and go back Monday.  Well, I go this morning and they show me how much I am going to owe...a solid $2500 MORE than what I had budgeted for.  And they show it to you when you are in front of all the other patients waiting for the DR.  It's not like I can quietly say "holy shit" and not have someone notice.  I guess I need to call tomorrow and have them actually print out what the extra fees are.  I am pretty sure ICSI (or is it ICIS???? the thing where they inject the sperm right into the egg) is an additional $250, but still - that is $2250 unaccounted for.  So luckily I don't have to pay today - I pay before the procedure...which we don't really know when that is.

I pay for today's u/s, b/w and my beloved donor sperm and go sit back down to wait.  The whole entire time I am looking at the cute, loving couples who probably can write a check for the entire amount without blinking (or worse yet, have their insurance cover it) and am freaking out.  My heart is pounding, I am sweating...I swear I can almost feel my eye twitching.  I am in panic mode.  What the hell am I doing? How can I spend that much?  How can I go into debt that much (ok, that much MORE)?  They finally call my name and I go in.  I won't even begin to tell you about the blood draw - I think it was an intern...and not an Izzy or Yang or was a bad one.  But I digress.  The u/s was fine.  My lining is "coming along", my estrogen level was "great" and follies looked good.  All fairly positive.

But then they tell me I need my blood pressure taken, etc, as a prep for the retrieval.  My blood pressure is normally 100 over something (I can never remember the bottom number).  But I tell the nurse that I am a bit terrified over everything and I can feel my heart beating faster.  My bp was 112 over 72.  Not bad, by any means, but definitely elevated for me.  Oh well.  She goes over the procedures and gives me some good news:  my RE doesn't charge for the freezing/storage of the frozen embryos...yay.  

Ok, my beloved cat Murray has decided to lay right across my hands and the keyboard and purr like there is no tomorrow, so there are going to be some typos...but that is fine.  Murray just wants to be part of this post...I need to see if I can find a picture and show you what a fine feline he is.  He is 13 and my baby.  

Where was I?  Oh yes, free (not a word I will ever hear again from that office, I am sure).  But that is some unexpectedly good news so I will go for it.  I go back Wednesday to see where I am at. I could possibly have the retrieval Thursday or Friday. Oh, but the really good news is that I get to add another shot to my routine.  I take one at 7:00 am, one at 7:00pm (both in the bum) and another one at 10:00pm in the stomach or thigh.  This newest one is to stop ovulation...because that would just defeat the whole purpose, now wouldn't it???  I am told this one burns, which I am really looking forward to.  

I don't have anything exciting to add. Oh WAIT.  Yes I do.  Guess who I got an email from!  Boring guy...the one I threw back...and guess what I did?  I responded in a nice breezy, chatty email and apologized for the way I ended it.  Yes, boy or girl (whichever one is reading this), I got the chance to be nice and hopefully the baby fairies will know that I tried to put good karma (or juu juu) out there.  But I told him that I wasn't in a place to date right now, but if he wanted to hang out as friends, I am down with that.  At least this way I will just pay for myself and not both of us. :)  If I have a son, I hope I can make him realize that cheap is not a good thing when it comes to dating.

Gotta run!  Will update more in a few. 

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

It starts....

My period finally came on Saturday.  I went to the DR on Sunday (at 7:00 a.m.) where they drew some blood and had an ultrasound.  They said everything looks good so I started my shots on Sunday.  I am doing two shots each day - one at 7:00 am and another a 7:00 pm.  The bad thing is that I am going to have to set my alarm on the weekends until I am done shooting up. Blach. But oh well.  I am to go back to the DR Friday morning.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  Yuck.  I think I am turning 32....again....I can honestly say I never in a million years would have pictured my life this way.  But it is what it is.  A right turn instead of a left...a break up instead of sticking it out (shrug). Ah well.

Nothing else too exciting.  I  will check in later...

Friday, August 29, 2008

Where oh where...

I am on day 2 of no BCP and still no Flow.  Why does my body continue to mess with me?  At 18 I would have been terrified had I gotten pregnant - at 37 I am now terrified I won't!  

I really have nothing to report until my period starts and I go see my DR.  If the flow doesn't show by Saturday night, I need to call the DR at 7:00 Sunday and see what the next step is.  I am praying that it isn't another missed miscarriage.  Because I have been spotting since Monday/Tuesday - nothing heavy, but just enough.  And last night, I had a SHARP pain in my left side.  I immediately thought I had a tubal preg. in my remaining tube.  Wouldn't that just be my luck????

I spent time with Ben & Claire yesterday.  Ben came running up to me, wrapped his arms around my legs and said "I love Amy. Amy is my friend".  I melted into a puddle on the spot.  I mean really, how cute was that??  Most definitely another "blink" moment.  Claire sat in my lap and we watched the Wizards of Waverly Place.  Evidently it is very popular on the Disney Channel (or something).  She is getting so big - I need to cherish these moments with her because I am going to blink and she is a teenager.

Ok - gotta run kids.  I will keep you posted on the soap opera that is my life.

Friday, August 22, 2008


I am getting down to 6 days left of BCP.  6 days or so until I start this hazy, fuzzy, terrifying journey of IVF.  I have a general idea of what is going to go on.  I believe it is going to cost a crap load of $$.  I know I am praying as hard as I can possibly pray that I become pregnant this cycle, carry this baby (or babies) to term and deliver a heathy child (or children).  

But sometimes I think that praying doesn't do me a lick of good. has praying helped with my other 4 losses?  My mom told me this month that she has finally realized that she needs to be specific with her prayers.  She had just been praying for a pregnancy.  Now she prays for me to deliver a healthy baby.

6 days, people.  Holy crap.

But the good news is that my dr's office got some more units of my baby daddy in.  I don't have to go on a hunt for a new daddy.  I guess Gerard Butler is saved from fathering my children.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


Today I was talking on the phone with my nephew Ben, who turns 3 in November. He is all boy - rough and tumble, quick and crazy and just so unbelievably sweet he makes me melt.  If I can have a child half as wonderful as that little boy, I will truly be blessed.  I only live about 15 minutes away from my niece and nephew and see them very regularly.  I also try to talk to them on the phone each week.  You would be amazed at what a 5 minute phone call will do to your spirits.

Anyway, he was telling me that his toy vacuum was loud and I agreed as I heard it rattling in the background.  He then shut it off and told me so.  We chatted for another 15 seconds and he goes "I done now".  I was like "ok, Ben, I will talk to you later. Bye."  His response? "I love you Amy".  Ben has never said those words unsolicited, much less over the phone.  That was a moment I will hold in my heart forever.

He called me later today at work to tell me absolutely nothing.  He saw Grandma with the phone and wanted to call.  Well, the conversation goes pretty quickly when Ben doesn't want to talk, so soon I hear "I done now".  I again said "ok, Ben, I will talk to you later sweetie".  His response? "I love you Amy".

I have no idea why he started saying that to me...just like we have no idea why he suddenly calls his grandma "Donna".  "Hi Donna - I want toast" or "Donna, you go home"...he has done it a few times before, but now it seems pretty consistent.   Who knows.

I regularly check a blog called Audrey Caroline about a woman who is dealing with the death of her child and life with her 3 remaining children and husband. I won't go into detail about the amazing strength and wonderful wit of this woman, but I am in awe.  She had a post where she talks about how one of her daughters said if she had a camera, she would have taken a picture of this wonderful moment in time.  And then she made a comment that they didn't need a camera - they could blink their eyes and commit it to memory.  She would recount all these wonderful moments and...


She would capture them in her head and heart.  Which is just incredible.  How many moments do we get that we truly wish to remember forever?  I was blessed to have 2 in one day.

"I love you Amy"  


Ben & Donna on vacation

Sunday, August 10, 2008

New Plan

So, I had decided to do one more IUI.  I don't like making quick decisions on major life events - I like to mull things over for awhile.  And this is a pretty big decision.  I called the dr and gave them my decision and the nurse said to come in for an ultrasound when my period truly starts.  We also are talking about my donor.  I had bought the last unit in stock with my procedure in July and the nurse couldn't say whether the dr would order anymore before I would need it.  So now I need to figure out a new baby daddy.  Blach.

I go to the dr for an ultrasound and what shows up?  My super friendly cyst in my left ovary.  Which is just fan-freaking-tastic as I can only O out of my left ovary.  And the nurse said it is "huge". So I am to go on BCP for a month then I can have another procedure. I am talking to the dr after this and I asked if I was at a higher risk of tubal now or if my left tube looked good. She said the tube looked great and she wouldn't even consider doing IUI if it didn't.  I was telling her that I was "terrified" of IVF.  She said that IVF is a lot less stress, a lot easier and just "better" than IUI.  She said she would do an IUI, but IVF seemed would be easier.

So I am going to do IVF in September. I know - holy crap, right? So I called the office to tell them I wanted IVF and to see what the plan was.  I figured out how many vials of meds I needed to order and the nurse said the lab was going to order more units of my baby daddy...cuz I really didn't want to try and figure a new one out.  This one makes me happy and I need to stick with what does.  I do need to call the office 3 days before my period just to confirm they have ordered my guy.

I will be doubling up on my meds.  One shot in the am with 2 vials and another shot of 2 vials in the pm.  I have no idea how retrieval works, how the "replacement" works, how many they will use, what the cost of freezing the eggs/embrios is....there are a lot of things I don't know.  But I will figure it out when I need to, I guess.

What else is happening in my life?  Not much.  Going out, working in my yard and trying to maintain my gorgeous tan from vacation.  Oh yeah, and trying to win the lottery.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


I don't know what to do.  I took my pregnancy test this morning and it was negative.  I don't honestly know what I hoped to find on that test. I have been spotting since Friday. At first, I thought it could be implantation bleeding and was a bit excited. Then it kept happening.  If that test did show the extra line, would that have meant I was just going to find out I was pregnant only to miscarry?  Because God knows, I am terrified of that happening again.  Or would it be better to get a negative?  I know this cycle was not ideal - I didn't eat well, my blood work was all over, I had some wine.  I don't know.

So I called the dr's office and let them know it was negative.  The nurse took the info, said she would speak with the dr and call me back with more info.  I got the call back and got some "interesting" news.  The dr would be willing to do one more IUI, but she recommends moving on to IVF.  I was floored. On one hand, I appreciate the fact that she wants to do everything she can to get me pregnant.  On the other hand, holy shit. This is IVF.  The nurse asked if I had any info on IVF and when I said no, she said she would send me some.  I asked if she knew how much it cost. She estimated an additional $5000 to $7000 more than the IUI.  Ho-ly shit.  She said if I wanted to do IUI, I just wait for my period to start and call.  If I want IVF, then I would need to do a month of birth control pills to monitor my cycle.  So, basically, I need to make a decision in 3 days...or how ever long it takes for my period to start.

I can honestly say I have no idea what to do.  I can think of pros and cons for both.

Pro: I know I can at least get pregnant.  I have basically gotten pregnant every other time: 1st cycle, 3rd cycle...this would be my 5th. 
Pro: it only costs $2400.
Con: I only have 1 tube.  And that tube is the one that consistently produces a substantially fewer number of eggs than the other.  I only have 3 or so eggs on that side for the swimmers to hit.
Con: What if I get another tubal pregnancy?  Then I stand the possibility of losing my one remaining tube.  
Con: Timing. I am going on a business trip in September.

Pro: Odds of getting pregnant are higher.
Pro: I eliminate the risk of a tubal pregnancy.
Con: $9500 I don't have.
Con: Possibility of multiples (or is this a pro??????).
Con: I can only do this one time.
Con: I would most likely need to sell my house and move in with my parents to afford this.
Con: Timing. I am going on a business trip in September. I would need to delay this until October.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Thursday, July 31, 2008


Hi Kids. I am back from vacation - and it was fabulous.  6 days just lazing on water, watching my niece and nephew and burning places that shouldn't have seen sun.  It was wonderful.

I don't really have anything new on the baby front.  I had an IUI on the 20th (I think) and am currently in the 2 week wait.  I will take a pregnancy test on 8/5.  I lucked out and the dr put me on shots of progesterone rather than the suppositories (thank you god).  I just got to shoot up every other day.  One day on vacation I was giving myself my shot.  I didn't pinch my buttocks (like I was supposed to) and when I pulled the needle out, it was seriously like a shot of blood flew out.  It was projectile bleeding.  It went about 6 inches.  It was completely crazy.  I have easily remembered that I need to pinch ever since that.

Hmmm. Let's see. I don't really have anything else worth adding.  While I loved LOVED lazing on the water and getting an amazing tan (I look good!!), it is nice to be back to my life.  

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Here we go

I have been shooting up for about 10 days now.  I went in for an ultrasound & blood work on Thursday.  She says my lining is "not good".  Which is crap.  I have never had an issue with my lining.  Then she goes on to say that I have 3 decent follicles/eggs in my left ovary and about 5 or 6 in my right.  Which is even bigger crap since I don't have a tube on the right side.  I mean, seriously, how sucky is this?  But it is me this is happening to, so I guess it is par for the course. (poor poor me... :) )

So I am told to start taking baby aspirin to help with the lining - no big deal.  I go in for another ultrasound on Saturday.  I was told the lining is "coming along".  No egg counting this time, but oh well.  Then they said the dr was concerned with my LH level in my blood and I had to go in for a blood draw on Sunday morning.  

Here is the really horrible part.  I had to set my alarm clock on Saturday AND Sunday.  And I was even out late both nights.  I mean really, there should be some sort of rule that if you must get up before 6:00 a.m. on a weekend, you get some sort of good karma or "credit" someplace.  Ahhh, if only I ran the world, people.  Whoops, got side tracked.

So, LH level questionable and another blood draw.  I get a call today and evidently the level must be fine, because I am to give myself the trigger shot today at 10:00 and go in for an IUI on Tuesday.  And here is a sign from god:  Tuesday is also the Dave Matthews Band concert.  Dave Matthews always takes me to my "happy place."  When I see him doing his little "dance" while playing and singing, I just have to give a happy little sigh.  Back when I was in college, I went to one of his concerts.  Our seats were first row, right by the steps the enter/exit they stage from.  Horrible seats for a show, but the good part is coming.  So, after they are done with their set, they are leaving the stage.  Me, being the fanatic that I am, am waving at Dave (not flashing any body parts, though) professing my love.  He points at me and says to my friend "I want her to have my babies."  Which I would be very happy to do, but he didn't let me know where he was staying.  Oh, to get so close and have it all yanked away.  What?  You don't believe me?  Hmph.  Well, you weren't there, so how could you know?  My friends will back me up on this. :)

Ok, so where was I going with this?  Oh yes, it is a sign.  Actually, I don't know how I feel about this cycle.  There just seem to be so many things that didn't go as they should: my lining, my LH (whatever that is), my diet.  It is completely asinine when I am spending this much money on a cycle for me to not prepare as best I can, but I just couldn't.  I had a couple glasses of wine.  I didn't drink as much water as I should have.  I really didn't obsess about this cycle at all.  I guess we will see how that worked for me.

I leave on vacation Thursday morning and am SO looking forward to it.  6 days spent lazing around water, using progesterone suppositories, surrounded by family and chasing after my niece and nephew.  I think I have some xanex that I may take and give to the kids on the sly to calm them down.  I have a feeling they are going to be a bit on the wild side.

Sunday, July 13, 2008


So this has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy.  But you remember boring guy?  The one I threw back into the pond????  Well, technically, I don't know whether "threw back" is the correct term.  I pretty much ended things how I normally do.  Avoidance.  I avoided his phone calls, emails and texts and just didn't contact him again.  

I was completely horrible and just stopped all contact.  I know.  How old am I?  Old enough to know better?  Yes, most definitely.  Old enough to care?  Not really.  I know it was rude and unforgivable.   I know all of these things. But still, oh well.  He doesn't live in my area of town, he definitely didn't like doing anything that I do, so, really, what did it matter if I was immature and rude???

Evidently, karma thought it mattered a lot.  I went to eat at a restaurant not 10 blocks from my house with my parents.  I walk in, look to the hostess and who do I see over her shoulder?  Boring guy.  With other people. Sitting at a table staring at me.  Now, mind you, I am far enough away to not be 100% certain that it is him.  But I know.  I am just not lucky enough to have it NOT be him.  So the hostess leads us to a table in a different section (thank you jesus).  As we sit down, my mom is like "do you know that guy?  he was staring at you".  I say "that is boring guy." So, of course, since I got my subtlety from my mom, she almost stands up trying to get a glimpse of him.  I am hissing at her to sit down, but she doesn't care. She just wants to check him out and see who I have been talking about.

My dad, bless him, had not a clue about what was happening.  He was just focused on a picture of spinach artichoke dip.  But I managed to ignore the tingling at the back of my neck and dine with my parents.  Later, Mom looks over my shoulder and tells me that he is leaving and is glancing over my way.  Another thank you jesus moment because my back is to the door.  

See, this is probably a good example of why I should try to end these dates on a good note.  This town is, evidently, not big enough to NOT run into people again.  Although, I have not run into my ex.  Hmm.  That hardly seems fair.  I can run into the guy that I treated a smidge poorly but can't run into the guy who devastated my life?  Because I have it all planned out for how I am going to act should that day ever happen.  And I will be fabulous and brilliant and gorgeous.  Again, soooooo not fair.  Ah well.

Let's see.  What other interesting tidbits do I have?  I was out last night (date, you ask?  Answer: not sure, but it was fun).  Anyway, it came time to give myself the shot.  I had a little bag around with needles, the 2 vials of meds and the 1 vial of saline since I had HOPED I would be out fairly late.  Guess where I got to shoot up at?   In a bathroom?  Naah, too easy.  I shot up in my car.  Talk about a bit uncomfortable.  And I think I missed the circle of life (as I like to call the target area) and went a bit too south.  I bled like crazy...which worked out well because I was in my car.  I couldn't see what was happening or where it was happening.  I got blood all over my shorts.  Mental note to self:  try to avoid this situation in the future.  That, or get a big mirror to keep in there.

Friday, July 11, 2008


Oprah had a special on kids with donor sperm biological fathers.  Almost every person with a DI dad alluded to some sort of missing piece or emptiness...which made me think.  What am I setting my (please god) future child up for?

When I was trying to decide if I should go down this path, I tried to think of how I would tell my child about his/her conception.  How could I make them understand?  I blindly thought by telling them just how desperately I wanted them, how much of a gift they are to me, it would be ok.  I had planned on saying the donor was a wonderful person who had given of themselves to try and help me attain my greatest dream.  I was going to read all I could in order to help me and that child.  But what if it isn't enough?

What if I don't do it right?  What if this child, who was/is so desperately wanted, feels "less" than other kids?  I can hear my mom's voice right now "Don't be silly.  That child will be completely surrounded by love - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts, great uncles.  All of whom will love that child unconditionally.  Besides, how many kids these days actually have two parents active in their lives?"

All of which I get and agree with.  But what if I fail, somehow, to make it ok?  There is just so much that terrifies me on this journey:  first and foremost, failure of even carrying a baby to term.  God knows how devastating each loss is - can I handle never actually holding my own child??

But what if it works?  What then?  I have a plan of attack; I am not going into this quest thinking that all will be solved once I have a baby. I know life is going to be difficult and stressful - but I also know I will wake up each day so thankful for that little life.  But what about that little life?  Will I be able to provide all he/she needs?  Materialistically, I highly doubt it.  Unless my plan to win the lottery works, I will not be able to give my child all he/she asks for.  But that isn't bad.  My parents are firmly middle class - I had the most amazingly ugly car in high school (but it turns out it wasn't such a bad idea.  The way I drove, I needed a tank.); I didn't have all the fashionable clothes or gizmos.  But I knew I was loved and I had all that I needed.  

And isn't that the most important thing?  When I get completely freaked out, that is what I need to focus on.  I will love my child and be thankful each day (which could be hard during teenage years) and hopefully that will be enough.  It certainly has to be better than some.

As for the donor dad thing, maybe I will just tell them my new boyfriend Gerard Butler got stranded in Omaha for a few days.  

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

What to do

So of course, AF showed today.  My dr's office said that I do, probably, have enough time for an attempt before I leave.  Now I don't know what to do.  I was almost looking forward to the time off to just "be" pressure, no shots, just prepare my body for another attempt.

I can take this one of two ways:  it is a sign, a positive sign, that I should go ahead.  With my system being "cleaned out", that would only help to get a pregnancy.  Or it could just be fate's way of playing a cruel joke on me.  Sure, you can try, but then spend $400 on meds just to not have an IUI because I ran out of time.

I just don't know.  I guess I will wait for the results of the ultrasound tomorrow and go from there.  I do know it is not going to be fun doing the suppositories on vacation.  But those things are never fun.  I just don't know if I could live with myself if I had this opportunity and didn't take it - I would always wonder if this would have been my month and I didn't go for it.

I guess it is just money - and I have already spent a ton of it in this journey.  I can't weigh money spent verses the chance to have a child.  Arrgghh.  The worst part of this journey is the uncertainty, the second guessing, the wondering...and the hope.  That hope always seems to make me hurt that much more.

Ok, let's see what positives I can take from this:  AF did show up, kinda on time.  I have a very full two weeks in front of me, with a concert I have been looking forward to for months (yay! Dave Matthews).  I am going on vacation with my family, who I absolutely adore spending time with.  I cannot wait to see what is going to come out of my nephew's mouth next.  He is 2 1/2.  At grandma's the other day, he was looking for the cat, Max.  He said "Grandma, where Max?"  Grandma: "I don't know, honey. I guess you will have to call him.".  His response? "Ok, where cell phone?".  I think that is going to go down as my favorite Ben story for years.  That kid loves to talk on the phone.

Ok, enough for now.  I am in a "wait and see" mode.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


So I am "patiently" waiting for AF to show.  It figures that the ONE time I really want her, she doesn't show.  I am leaving on vacation the 24th, so in order to try an IUI this month, I needed cycle day 1 to be today....otherwise I don't have time for the IUI before vacation.

I figured if I couldn't have an attempt this month, then the dr would want me on birth control pills to make sure that the ovaries stay clean and no friendly cysts appear.  When I spoke to a nurse, she was like "well, do you want a pill so your cycle will start?"  Umm, hello?  That would have been nice to know a week ago.  But then I started thinking...would I really want to try a cycle when my body wasn't actually ready?  To me, it seems like forcing a cycle upon my body wouldn't be good.  So in a way I was glad I didn't know about the option earlier.  At least I didn't have to make a decision.

I do need to call next week if AF hasn't shown.  Then I will at least get the bcp should it start on vacation (which would royally suck).

Can I tell you how glad I am that I expressed shipped the meds here from Europe and paid an additional $50 to make sure they were here?  Because right now they are sitting on my table mocking me.  Oh well.

Nothing else is new.  I did throw boring guy back into the pond.  I will let some other woman try him out.  He was very nice, but CHEAP.  I can put up with a lot, but cheap can't be overcome.   Besides, I was actually a bit freaked out that he didn't mind my whole baby quest.  How stupid is that?  I would be crushed if I really liked someone and he ran when I told him what I was doing, yet I run when some guys embraces it.  Hmmm.  If I saw a therapist they would have a field day with that one.  

I still feel very positive about the next try...lord knows my credit card needs a break.  My donor 2480 is expensive!  Maybe I should have visited the bar of desperation and tried the natural route....naaahhh.  I don't think I can spin that for when my child asks about their dad.  At least this shows how desperately I want that child. The other way just makes me look a bit too easy. :)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Some Hope

My dr says everything looks good.  I ordered my meds and am waiting for my cycle to start.  I am truly hopeful for this cycle to work.  I don't know if that is good or bad, but I am feeling good about it.

I have found a website that has been a godsend - and use the boards for pregnancy loss.  What wonderful ladies.  They have given me a measure of peace about all that has happened.  Maybe I have experienced this so many times I am finally getting used to coping with it.  I don't know, but it helps.  To share with other women who have been through the same thing - to learn from them and share my thoughts has been incredible.

This is what I feel right now - who knows if it will change tomorow.  With each loss, we learn.  Through all the grief and guilt, we gain.  We may find an unknown inner strength, more compassion or a greater appreciation for all we do have (and what we will one day have).  Each of my losses changed me into the woman I am today.  And while I may not have had my angels for long, they somehow, in some way, made me a better person/sister/friend/daughter.  I can only pray they will also make me a better mother in the future.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

It can get worse

So I had a d&c and a laprascopy on Friday.  I don't think I am able to talk about it all yet.  My baby was in my right tube and the dr removed the entire tube.  Not only am I in enormous pain from the procedure, I am completely devastated by this loss.  I just can't even begin to process this enough to write anything.  I did name the baby May (my mom's middle name).  I have lost Hope, Junior and Baby May.  My 3rd child was lost before I even knew he was around - I don't know how to give him a name.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What Now

I realize it has been quite some time since I last posted.  The IUI in March didn't work and I was just so down.  I let the blog fall to the way side and just went about my life. I was dating someone who was ok with the whole baby quest but I wasn't very happy with him.  I eventually threw him back for some other woman to find.

I had another IUI in May.  There were all these signs pointing to a positive outcome.  The IUI was scheduled for Monday and the day before was both my mom's birthday and mother's day.  On Monday there was a huge article in the local paper about single women becoming mothers by choice.  What other sign did I need??  So I had the IUI, then started taking the progesterone and waited.

I took a pregnancy test and waited 5 minutes to see the results.  I tilted that damn test every which way and saw a faint, faint line.  I about freaked out.  I called the dr and went in for a blood test.  My beta level was good but my estrogen & progesterone were abysmal.  They gave me shots, patches & pills to take.  The shots were a bitch - I bruised up, there were knots under my skin and it hurt to lay down.  The very next day I started to spot.  I went in for another test 2 days after the first and my progesterone & estrogen levels were fantastic but my beta didn't increase as much as it should have.  They wanted me to continue doing what I was doing and come in for another test in 5 days to see what the levels were doing.  Those 5 days were the longest ever.  I continued to spot pretty heavily.  On day 5, the levels came back and my beta was not in the normal range.  I had to stop all meds and basically wait to lose the baby.  

It freaking sucks.  About 5 days later I passed the baby and buried her (?) at my uncle's grave.  My mom and I said a prayer and I bawled like crazy.  

I went in today for another blood draw and an ultrasound.  The ultrasound looked "uneventful" according to the nurse.  But I got a beta level is still increasing.  The nurse said the dr wants to do a d&c and a laproscopy.  Dr D was out of town today, but the nurse said she will call me tomorrow to discuss.

Last week I had 8 vials of blood drawn because they labeled me a "habitual aborter".  They need to run some tests to see if there is some determinable reason why I can't maintain a pregnancy.  They told me today all the tests that have come back have been good - there are a couple more they are waiting for the results on.

Seriously, what else is going to go wrong on this quest?  I just want the dr to say "no more - it won't work" or "keep going - something good will happen".  But I highly doubt that is going to happen.  My life seems to be nothing but wait and see....and most of the time the waiting just brings a crappy outcome.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Another Attempt

I have been shooting up for the past week and a half getting ready for another attempt.  I had an ultrasound today and the nurse said I have just a ton of eggs to be released....she actually called me the Easter Bunny because I have just a crap load.  I told the nurse my problem is not producing is getting them to dance with the boys.  When they do dance, they tend to break up rather quickly. 

Nothing else new - I have gotten rid of one of my bad dates.  Boring guy is still around. I am just a horrible person, but I am having a hard time cutting him loose.  Even though I am not interested in him that much, it is just nice to have a straight guy to do something with.  I need to figure out a way to let him know that I am not interested but would like to hang out as friends.  Good luck to me. :)

I give myself the shot to stimulate ovulation tonight and will go in Thursday for the IUI.  From there, I will use progesterone again and go from there.  Keep your fingers crossed.

Sunday, March 2, 2008


I have mentioned in some previous posts how I was trying out dating again.  Well, I have tried it enough to send me scurrying happily back to my single state.  I have met two very nice men on-line.  I have always named my dates...old guy, little man, fish lips and my personal favorite "rat bastard".   Granted, the names are not super unique....merely descriptive.

The two I have dated so far are boring guy and sicko.  Boring guy is pretty self-explanatory.  He is a very nice man,  just deadly dull.  We have gone out 4 times and each time I just dread it.  2 of the four "dates" have involved pretty heavy amounts of alcohol.  And honestly, if someone is boring with alcohol, what hope is there?  We had a date last night (the final date) that I planned. We went ice skating and saw a movie.  I wanted something that didn't focus on a whole lot of conversation.  I actually had fun skating - even though I constantly wished I was there with my friends.  The movie was ok.  Then the horror happened.  He conveniently "left" his phone in my car and we walked to it after the movie.  Then he asked for a ride to his car on the other side of the parking lot.  Uh oh.  As I practically clung to my door, he sat there in the passenger seat attempting to make small talk.  I had the car in drive, my hand on the steering wheel and cheek almost resting against the driver's window.  I mean really, my body language practically screamed "get out now!".  But I could see him working up the courage to make a move.  Damn.  He leans in with his lips all squished together and plants one on me.  Ugh.  He practically drilled my head through the head rest.  It was horrible.  I don't know how he could have read anything in my body language that said "come hither".  

He said something about seeing me this week, I mumbled good bye and sped off.  I feel badly - he is a truly nice man.  I gave him 4 dates to see if there was any sort of connection - which would be 3 more than I should have.  I am thankful to have my ace card to get rid of him. One word: pregnant.  I am going to tell him that I am trying to get pregnant and hope like hell he runs for the hills....unless I chicken out and just avoid all phone calls and emails...which is what I will most likely do.

The other guy is sicko - and no, not for the reason you may think.  He was super sick on our first date.  But he is tall - 6'5" - and that is my weakness.  Just like money can make up for a boring personality, height can do that as well.  I have fun with this one, but I just can't imagine kissing him.  He wore a black leather blazer/coat for one thing.  You know, the ones that went out of style in the mid 90's.  He really can't dress. And yes, I know that can be fixed, but do I honestly have the energy?  I don't think I do.   He is fun, but I don't know that I am really attracted to him.

I should start my cycle tomorrow or Tuesday and the shots soon after.  I am very hopeful that I will get pregnant in March.  Even if I was fantastically attracted to sicko, I would not stop my baby quest.  

I have learned one very important sign though.  If a man is well dressed, he is either married, taken or gay.  The straight singletons really seem to not have a clue.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Nothing New

I have nothing new to talk about.  I have been getting my blood drawn weekly, waiting for my pregnancy hormones to decrease to under 5.  The Thursday I found out, my level was at 104. The very next day it dropped to 60.  The next week it was 34 and finally 14 this last week.  I have to wait for the levels to be under 5 to even get my period....and there is no set time for that to happen.  I just have to wait now.  Once I start my next cycle, I will have another ultrasound to see what the cysts are doing and we go from there.

It is definitely frustrating, but there is nothing else to do but wait.  

For a change of subject, I have my first "meet" with a guy I met online tomorrow night.  I am a bit ambivalent. On one hand I do want to date someone, on the other, how fair is it?  I mean, I am trying to get pregnant with some stranger's baby.  I can't imagine that is the best way to start off.  Ah well.  I will most likely get a horrible story to share, so how bad can that be. 

Sunday, January 27, 2008


I went in for my pre-op appointment Wednesday morning.  I met with the dr, asked some questions and then they were going to draw blood.  One of my questions was about my boobs.  They have been getting more swollen and sore as the days went on.  The dr said it was due to all the estrogen in the super-duper heavy-duty birth control pills I was on. Fine, whatever.  Other than the pain, I liked filling out my A cup.  She then gave me some surprising advice: I needed to gain weight. Evidently, being thinner interferes with the follicle stimulation and I wouldn't need to take so many drugs if I was a bit heavier.  I told her that I already felt fat - I gained about 8 lbs in this process, didn't diet and did not exercise.  She just stared at me and said I needed to eat more.

She also said that she was surprised I didn't get pregnant because I "had the perfect cycle".  She said everything had looked great and we wanted to repeat that and get a pregnancy.  Blah blah blah we talked for a bit, went over a few more things and then I got my blood drawn and left.

About an hour later I get a phone call.  It is my dr on the phone - which has never happened.  She said something unimaginable: your blood test came back positive for a pregnancy.  Holy shit! My first reaction was this: since the negative test, I have not done one positive thing for my vitamins, pepsi daily, tons of gluten,  BIRTH CONTROL PILLS, just crap.  I said as much and the dr said the hormone level was too low for a viable pregnancy.  She wasn't sure if I had a miscarriage or if I had a tubal pregnancy. I was to go in the office the next morning for an ultrasound to see what was going on.  Then she went on to say that this was the reason my boobs were so swollen and "good catch".  Seriously?  This woman just informed me I was pregnant, they missed it but good job noticing the changes in my boobs? Really?  I understand this was most likely a horrible call for her to make and points for her doing it herself, but come on.  The last thing I want to hear is "good catch".

I was in a state of shock.  I was bawling - this makes 3 babies I have lost.  The horrible thing is, I am not as traumatized as I thought I would be.  It makes a huge difference losing someone you didn't know you had.  I don't know if this is good or bad.  Am I an unfeeling monster?  Am I just burying my feelings?  I truly do not know.

This is just such a freaking shock!  I had to deal with the fact that I was pregnant without knowing and that I could possibly have a tubal pregnancy.  The nurse called me back a bit later and said that I still need to prepare for surgery.  If I did have a tubal pregnancy, the dr would deal with it and remove the cysts all at once.  I asked if it is a tubal, what are the consequences.  The nurse said the dr would slice the tube, remove the tissue and go on.  She said sometimes the tube is damaged and not reparable, but Dr D was the one dr I would want to have as she would fight like crazy to avoid that.

Oh my god.  So I could possibly lose a tube, which would cut down on the possibility of getting pregnant even more.  Can I have any worse luck?

Evidently not. I go in for my scan the next day and they can't find any hint of a tubal pregnancy and I just have some lining left in my uterus.  The dr is in there for the scan and she was holding my hand.  It was very nice of her, actually.  She said to take the positives from this: my eggs were good, the sperm was good and I did get pregnant. Ummmm, duh.  It is not really getting pregnant that I have the problem with. I had gotten pregnant twice before; it is keeping the pregnancy I seem to have issues with.  

I end up not having the surgery.  The dr said since I got pregnant, the cyst must not be that big of a deal (or something like that - it really is a blur).   They did another blood test and my hormone level dropped, which is what they wanted.  I am cramping more, which I suppose is good.  I would rather avoid another d&c.  I go back on Thursday for another blood test.

Seriously, my life is a soap opera.  Who would believe this shit really happens?  I mean, I had a fucking ultrasound days after the negative pregnancy test.  Shouldn't they have seen something?  Obviously, there was nothing that could have been done to save the pregnancy (baby?), but really, how did they miss it?  Truth be told, I think I am glad they did. If I had 2 weeks of knowing I was pregnant only to lose the baby, I really don't know how I would have handled it.  

The scariest thing for me in this whole process is the thought of another miscarriage.  I was absolutely devastated when I lost Junior (my 2nd baby...we needed a nickname and I was just hormonal enough to let the ex come up with it).  It was the worst experience of my life and it took me a long, long time to recover.  I am still dealing with it in many ways.  I really don't know how I will handle a situation like that again. I was in my 11th week of pregnancy and went in for a normal ultrasound.  I had some spotting in earlier weeks, but previous ultrasounds showed everything was ok. I had seen her heartbeat - she was as real to me as she could possibly be.  During this regular appointment, the tech was using the ultrasound and stopped.  I didn't think anything of it.  My beloved Dr. Hottie came in and started looking around.  I can vividly recall everything and it haunts me still. I was scanning that screen looking for the heartbeat and all I see are just little clumps.  The dr changes to a different sort of scan and still nothing but little heartbeat anywhere.  Those 10 minutes are seared into my brain.  The happiest time in my life ended with absolutely no warning.  I had hopes and dreams for that baby.  I had pictured her little hands and feet, wondered if she would be funny, athletic or smart.  I even had clothes for her.  I depended heavily on drugs for quite some time afterwards.  How will I handle it if that happens again? (You may be wondering why I am referring to the baby as "she".  I had a d&c done and the tissue tested to see if they could determine the cause.  They could not, but they did find out the baby was a girl.)

Jesus, I feel so guilty.  I did lose another baby but how horrible am I that, while I feel upset and guilty, I also don't feel devastated. Is that normal?  What a shitty roller coaster.  I am just so fucking confused and tired.  

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


I will go in tomorrow morning for my pre-op appointment.  I am hoping they say the cysts have disappeared thanks to the super-duper, heavy duty birth control pills.  Of course, I don't expect that to happen, but a girl can dream.

This surgery thing is for the birds. I can't eat after midnight and don't go to the hospital until 11:30.  Ummm, hello.  I must have my oj in the a.m. or am a major crab-apple.  Those poor nurses...dealing with a hungry, thirsty bitchy woman.  Not a pleasant experience. And I won't be able to wear any makeup or do my hair.  Now, I am not a frou-frou girl who needs a lot of makeup and spends hours getting her hair ready.  But I am a 37 year old woman who honestly does look better with makeup than without. And my hair is in this in-between length that can't be put in a ponytail.  I decided to be crazy last spring and cut off about 9 inches to a short little Mia Farrow type cut....which I enjoyed for about a month then felt a little too masculine.  It is almost at a chin length bob now (thank goodness).

Oh well.  I need to have someone with me for 24 hours after surgery, so I am going to go home with Mom and stay at my parents' house.  Mom will be working the next day, so my dad is going to watch me on Friday. Which is very interesting, as my dad will most likely sit in his chair and ask me what I am going to make him for lunch. :)  Love my dad, but he is not so much a nurturer.  He would much rather be taken care of than do the taking care of. :)

Have I mentioned what exactly is going to happen for this surgery?  It is done laproscopically (spelling???) where they make small incisions along my abdomen and fill up my chest cavity with air (why, you ask?  I have absolutely no idea).  Anyway, it is all done via small incisions in my stomach.  I guess the worst parts are dealing with the side-effects of the anesthesia and the air stuff.  Evidently my shoulders will be very sore because the air settles there...which makes no sense to me.  

Whatever, I have already told my family not to fight over my stuff if I should die. :)

Monday, January 14, 2008


The good news just keeps coming.  I went for my ultrasound and found out that not only is my friendly cyst still around, it now has a boyfriend.  I get to take the strongest dosage birth control pills and have a procedure to remove the cysts.  The procedure must be pretty uncomfortable because I will be under anesthesia. But the good news is that the ultrasound today should be covered by insurance since I had the cysts and the procedure should be covered as well - plus the next ultrasound since that will be checking to see if the cysts are gone.

And this is a bonus, I should get some pretty good drugs to bring home afterwards. :)  Ah well.  Maybe the procedure will loosen some things up and I will get pregnant next month. 

So, I had a mix of bad news, worse news and not so bad news.  But it could be worse, somehow. I have looked back over this blog and man, it is a downer!  I need some good news so I don't send you readers (all 2 of you, maybe?) into depression.

Maybe I need to start some self-affirmation crap - you know, end each post on some positive note.  So far, all positive notes seem to be the pictures of hot guys....which seems a bit sad now that I look at it.  Ok, not "seems" sad, just "is" sad.  Hmmm.   

Saturday, January 12, 2008


My first procedure didn't work.  I must admit that I felt pretty normal when I woke up on Friday knowing that I would take the pregnancy test.  I didn't feel any sort of excitement at all.  I guess I already knew the answer, so it wasn't much of a shock.  I am having a pity party this weekend - eating all the foods that are bad for me and having a general "screw it" sort of attitude.  One would think that after 4 negatives, I would be past the whole pity party stage - but one would be wrong.
I should have enough experience with disappointment that it feels like an old comfy sweatshirt.  But I still rage at god and the world.  I just found out that a step cousin had a baby and no one even knew she was pregnant.  She had absolutely no prenatal care, didn't tell a soul and still gave birth to a healthy baby girl (or at least as healthy as can be with a smoker mom who didn't change her life one iota).  I just don't understand the karma in that situation.  
I have always tried to live by the golden rule, I am a good daughter/sister/friend.  I didn't even do anything horrible to my ex when I moved out....even though I desperately wanted to put shrimp in the curtain rods or a piece of meat in a niche by the dishwasher that he never would have found.  What is so terrible about me that I can't get pregnant?  What have I done to piss off karma so stinking much?  
Blah blah blah. Poor little me.  I know I should look at the positives - I have an incredible family, great friends, good job and a life that I enjoy.  I am self-sufficient, independent and generally happy.  What can "the plan" possibly have in store for me that I can't have a child?
I need something to cheer me up (good sex could help, but unfortunately, I have no outlets for that one).  I can't shop because Dr. D keeps my credit card smoking.  I could eat but those stinking drugs have already added a couple lbs to my ass, hips and thighs.  So I have rented some weepy movies and will curl up and have a good cry.  
I wanted to go out last night but had to work my part time job.  Tonight my friends tried to get me to go out but today I am crampy, cranky and generally a downer.  Lord love them for trying, but I don't even want to subject my mom to this mood.  Which is stupid, because I am venting to whoever stumbles across this and bringing them down - or making them feel better because they don't have my life. :)
My mom has suggested that I should share my experiences because I can help other women in my situation.  Which sounds good - I have lots of experiences to share, but who would want to hear them?  Why would someone want to hear all I have gone through and still don't have a baby?  I suppose my lesson would be that you can get through anything.  Just put one foot in front of the other and trudge your way through.  Life has to get easier/better soon.

I do wish I could have a crystal ball to see if this is ever going to work.  It would be so much easier to know that this is all going to work out sometime and I will get what I want.  Instead, I am left to depend on hope and faith - not the most sturdy ground for me.

Ok, time to end on a good note.  This is who I want my baby daddy to look like (look to the top) - and I want to get pregnant the old fashion way. :)  Ok, so I have absolutely no idea how to do photo layouts. I wanted the picture at the bottom and not the top. 

Wednesday, January 9, 2008


I have no idea what is going on.  I am taking prometrium "suppositories" until I take my pregnancy test this Friday.  The prometrium gives all the side effects of pregnancy.  Monday I noticed some spotting and decided that I must not be pregnant.  But the spotting only shows up when I insert the prometrium....there is nothing during the day.  Each time I see nothing, I think "I have no idea what is going on".  

To make matters even more confusing, if I am not pregnant, I have enough shots for six days.  The problem is that since I order the meds from overseas, it takes about 5 days to get here.  So if I am not pregnant, I need to time this order very carefully or I will need to skip a month.  Arrgghh.

Sometimes I truly despise this process and wonder why I am doing it.  That is not completely true - I do know why I am doing it.  I just get so frustrated at times.  Why is something so basic, so natural so utterly difficult?   I guess I will just appreciate it all the more when it finally happens. 

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Nothing New

Ok - I have absolutely nothing of interest to report on my pregnancy quest.  But I saw a movie today that has totally messed with my head.  Jeffrey Dean Morgan, my dead-too-soon Denny from Gray's Anatomy (damn you Shonda), has competition. 

First, let me explain.  I absolutely adore Jeffrey Dean Morgan.  And when I say "adore", I mean fanatically-boycott-when-Denny-died "adore".  Like I would watch every rerun of any episode he was in as many times as I could.  There was just something so appealing about that character to me.  

Once I saw he was in the movie P.S. I Love You, I knew I had so see it. I am not so much into the weepy, romantic sorts of movies.  But it is Denny - how can I miss this?  So we go, watch the opening scenes and then BAM!  The world as I knew it crashed.  I was in the midst of my first Gerard Butler experience.   Where oh where has this lovely man been hiding?  Yes, he was in 300 and some wolf sort of movie.  But these are not movies I am interested in.  I am now torn.  Can I make room in my fantasies for both Denny/Jeffrey and the super sexy Gerard?  Because Mr. Butler, with his make-me-melt accent, is definitely worthy of the space.  And please don't tell me the accent was fake.  I need my fantasies, people.  Although, Jeffrey Dean Morgan with an Irish lilt was a bit odd.  Not horrible, exactly.  Just different.  Which leads me to my next thought.

Bare bottoms.  Yes, guys and girls, Denny (he will always be Denny to me) shows off a full rear nudity shot.  All the way from that sexily messy hair right down to the achilles tendon.  And it was absolutely fantastic.   He had no tan lines.  Some lucky make-up girl got to somehow make that happen.  It was well worth the price of admission.  Add to that the introduction of Mr. Butler and it was a day well worth repeating...and really, how many times can you say that in all honesty?  

Damn it - I just previewed the post and realize I screwed something up when adding the pictures.  My words strangely start right between the two pictures. Oh well.