I have a good job, I love my family dearly, I have good friends. But I have an ex husband who cheated on me, have lost 4 children and am 38 years old. All my life, I just wanted one thing. One. I wanted to have my own family. If I couldn't have that with a husband, well fine. I could do it on my own...at least I thought I could.
When people run into my parents, they ask "what has happened to Amy lately". Like everyone is just waiting for the next horrible thing. And by god, I can't disappoint them, can I?
I know I have had a lot of bad things, horrible things, happen to me. But I absolutely detest the pity. So what if I am divorced? Many people are - 50% of marriages and all that. Yes, I have lost babies - and that is truly horrific. But I have never behaved the victim to anyone. I have had my pity parties here on my blog and to my mom/family and some friends. But I always put on a brave face to the rest of the world. It irks the HELL out of me that people still seem to have have this look of "poor you" on their faces when they ask how I am doing. Why must my life be what others are thankful not to have??
My life has had some great experiences that many people never get. Granted, they mainly revolve around meeting famous athletes, but still, that is something. My life is not all bad. But people still seem so sorry for me.
On one hand, I am grateful that they care. And I know they do. I know these people honestly love me and wish nothing but the best for me. And maybe they keep asking because they truly hope I have something great to share.
But when someone asks what is going on in my life, I have never once said "oh, I just lost a baby." "Oh, I lost another baby and a tube - I now have a 50% LESS chance of ever getting pregnant without assistance". I never say the bad things. And I always tell them a funny story. "Are you dating anyone?" "I am currently trying to become a cougar and working on a 30 year old" seems to be the popular one right now. There is always some way to share things in my life in a humorous way. But that is when I have my game face on. When I hear someone say, always jokingly, "it's no wonder you can't get a man" I do get hurt. I mean, why would they say that? I actually can get a man - I just can't find one I want to keep. And why should I settle?
Although, today, right now, I think I would be happy to settle. I would love to have a partner right now who would let me cry on his shoulder, hug me and tell me it will be ok. Even though it won't, just to have someone would make this whole baby quest so much easier. And not only cuz it would save me $800 on sperm each attempt! But just to have another body to turn to for comfort. Someone to share this load with. Even my ex provided me some comfort after the loss of my 2nd baby. And he was an asshole.
And that is, I think, the most difficult part of this journey. Not the realization that I may truly never have my own child (which is something I just can't even begin to process). But the fact that I don't have anyone to share this with. I don't have a husband/partner/boyfriend who I can go to, just sobbing, and walk into a hug. I don't have anyone to wrap his arms around me and just let me rest and not be so strong all the time. And that is what makes me cry. Because if I truly had found someone, I might someday be able to deal with the fact that I can't have kids. I would have that guy to grow old with and know that I wasn't alone. Because as much as my family and friends love me, I am alone. And I am now terrified I will be that way forever.
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