Nothing new

The sun is shining outside today...from the inside, it looks gorgeous.  Then  you realize the temps are in the 20's and decide to stay inside.  Darn midwest.  I want spring!!  I am ready for 70's (heck - 60's!) and warmth.  I think I am vitamin D deficient...maybe I should tan.  That would certainly cover some flabby imperfections! :)

I bought some exercise DVD's yesterday. A yoga, pilates and cardio DVD.  They are still in the wrappers, but I have high hopes of getting at least one out and trying it today.  My plan is to do the yoga one in the a.m. and then alternate the other two in the evenings.  I just need to tone a bit.  I am not fat - I am soft.  I am a skinny fat person in that my BMI must be insane and I am out of shape.  J is in fantastic shape - 8% body fat people.  How is that even possible when you are over 30?  He is in Mexico and said he was "getting a lot of attention".  I am hoping he means from my brother and their friends.  :)  But with him sharing a room with my brother, I guess I am not too worried!

I have decided that I do need to get in better shape though - with the warm weather coming...eventually....I will want to be comfortable in shorts.  And there is a wedding at the end of March that I want to wear a sleeveless dress to, so I need to get the bi's and tri's firmed up.  I don't want to have the saggy arm wave thing going on.  And I hope to go to a pool this summer, so want to feel good doing that.

Probably one of the big reasons is that I go to see my beloved Dr. Hottie in a few weeks.  I talked about him a lot last year - I haven't seen him for a while, so am very much looking forward to it.  Of course, his view won't be so nice, but I am hoping my view will still be fantastic. (sigh)

One of my friends posted pictures to show the changes in his body.  That won't be happening with me.  Ughh.  No thank you.  I need to get a calendar to mark down when I exercise - that could be a good motivator.  Hmmm. Mental note: get calendar.

My friend T and I had a bet on the NU/ISU game.  He lost, so had to wear ISU gear in public, with photographic evidence.  He paid the bet yesterday and it was a good time.  I will post a picture of it (and try to get it in a good spot....).  

Me and T - him proudly wearing the Cardinal & Gold...or is it scarlet & yellow now?

Pain

I miss my babies. Today is a bad day.  I blog surf and one of the sites I found was talking about a recent miscarriage.  And it just hit me, again, how much I will never know.  I will never know their smiles, their personalities, their hair or eye color. I will never know the pure joy of a sweet little voice calling me mommy.  I will never get to cuddle them when they are crying or be frustrated when they won't sleep.  I will never feel their little arms giving me a hug.

Oh God, I miss my babies.  I believe they are all in heaven.  On the blog, the woman said she was mad that the angels got to see her baby first.  And I completely understand.  I am still mad - and sad and broken.  Sometimes, it is ok.  Sometimes, I can get through weeks without crying.  

Today is not a good day.

New stuff

Honestly, there really isn't anything "new" to report.  I went to visit J last weekend - had a great time.  He came here this weekend - had another great time.  Sometimes I think I am too bossy or too uptight though.  It is hard having someone come for a weekend and not want to plan options.

When I went there last weekend, it didn't bother me at all that we had absolutely nothing planned.  I really didn't care. But for some reason, when he comes here, I have a very difficult time just going with the flow.  I don't know why I do it, but it drives him nuts. Nuts to the point where he says "stop it".  And sometimes I say things that in my mind have no meaning, but he will take in a way that I didn't mean.  In the grocery store,  I was leaving him in my dust.  So as I am slowing down, I say "I am a fast walker sometimes".  Which I totally didn't mean to imply that he needed to pick up the pace, but he took it as such...and then I spent the next 5 minutes obsessing over it and apologizing...which makes it worse??  I just need to think before I say things.  

Sometimes I just blurt out anything that comes to my mind. It doesn't add to the conversation, it doesn't do anything.  We were walking along a bike path Saturday and I said "I wonder how birds pick the trees they build their nests in".  Completely inane and stupid.  But I have no filter sometimes.  (look, I ended the para with the same word I started it...great grammar!!)

I can't decide if I need to work on my filter or if that is just something he needs to get used to.   The whole new thing/getting to know each other sucks. I want a comfy slipper.  I think he feels pretty comfortable - he says he does.  Ugghh. Uncertainty sucks.  But I guess you can have uncertainty if you are married...hence divorce.

My brother told me he has no problem with me dating J, but that I annoy him with certain things.  I can see his point - I don't know how comfortable I would be with my worlds intersecting like that.   But he told me on Friday about 45 minutes before J got here and completely had me paranoid.  How do I cut out part of my life when talking to J?  He doesn't - he tells me stories about what they all do.  And doesn't seem to have any issues at all.  I have decided that whatever my brother tells me, I will not tell J about. And I mean ANYTHING.  Which will be weird, but I don't know where the line is between what is "ok" and what "isn't".  Some, who have a better moral compass than I, might know.  But I don't.  I am a talker, so I guess it is best to just avoid the whole thing.  So now I don't feel comfortable telling my brother about the weekend.  When he asked today, I just said "good".  I guess if J wants to share, then he can.  But that is another thing. J won at a poker party my friend had Saturday night.  I didn't tell that to my brother because I didn't know if J would want to.  

Yuck.  Stress stress stress.  But I really like J, so I am putting up with it.  I don't know if the fact that I really like J makes it worse (I am assuming that would be a "hell yeah").  Whatever it is, I need to get over it.  It would be easier if we were in the same city...then I have days of no face to face where I obsess over every little thing.  "he didn't email me right away in the morning...is he tired of me?"  "he didn't email me to say he was leaving...is he tired of me?"  Can you say SLIGHTLY INSECURE??  Yuck. (again...end with the same word I started!!)

But other than me obsessing, things are good. :)