I am....

broken. I am tired. I am in need.  I have all these negative adjectives to describe me.  But I do have good moments.  And they almost make everything worse.  I am putting on my strong face - the one that shows I am fine with all that has happened.  Sometimes I believe it too, and think 'ok - you are going to be better than before.'  I mean, how can I go through all this and not be a better person?  I am most definitely stronger.  I have wonderful parents/family/friends.  I have a lot more than most.  I know I have a lot more debt than most - but that is for me to think about later.   I may try to sell my house and move in with my parents.  I can get by as is, but I don't want to just "get by".  I don't want to have to not go see a friend because I don't have the gas $$ budgeted for it.  And that makes me feel like  a loser, so we won't go into that now.

I know I should make this "lighter" - get some humor going.  And believe me, there are some things that are actually funny that I could share.  But while I can see the humor in them, they have a sad side that almost makes me feel worse.

What have I done to change my life in the last 2 weeks?  I went to a football game (which my team lost in a very heart wrenching way).  I took my nephew on a field trip.  He is not yet 3, so can't ride the bus and the only way for him to go to the pumpkin patch with his daycare class was to have someone drive him.  That sweet little boy has always had a special place in my heart.  Not only because he is my nephew.  When he was born, it was a bittersweet moment for me.  Here was this beautiful baby, that I held when he was just hours old.  I held him and cried - tears of both joy and sorrow.  Pure joy for my family and sorrow that I was having such a hard time getting pregnant for the 2nd time.  Well, 2 weeks after Ben's birth I got pregnant.  What a double blessing.  But I lost that sweet baby.  The day after my d&c, my ex and I went to the cemetery to visit my Uncle Dean's grave. I cried and talked to Dean and asked him to watch over my babies.  When we were done, I needed to stop by Ben's house. I needed to hold a baby in my arms.  My sister-in-law was so sweet.  Ben was sleeping in his swing and she just lifted him out and put him in my arms.  I remember so vividly.  Why do we always remember the painful moments with more clarity than the joyful ones?  

I was crying, tears streaming down my face.  Ben was just cuddled in my arms.  All of a sudden, he stirred, opened his eyes, looked and gave me this gassy, baby smile. He then just went right to sleep.  It was both heartbreaking and wonderful.  Ben's daycare provider couldn't take him when my SIL's maternity leave was up, so my mom and I took turns watching him during the day.  I think that was instrumental in starting my healing process.  After having the baby girl I so desperately, desperately wanted taken, I could pour out my love on this sweet baby boy.  I got to rock him to sleep, sing to him, cuddle him, love him.  I could almost pretend he was kinda mine, in a way.  I love my niece and nephew in different ways - but just as much.  While Claire is just a joy, Ben saved me, in a way.  I will always look at him as the child I could never have.  Not that I think of him as "mine". I am not a looney (yet).  But I don't know how to explain it any differently.

Well, that was quite a tangent.  But what a trip down memory lane.  So bittersweet.  Those weeks I was pregnant with Junior were the happiest of my life.  Everything was good (except for the constant worry).  I was happy with my ex - I remember he would come home from work and I would just be happy to see him.  After I lost Junior, I didn't really care.  I was just relieved to get home and be able to take a pill and numb everything.  I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to eat. I just wanted escape.  And it was during those months that he found someone else and started his affair.  I truly believe the demise of the marriage took both of us.  Both of us did something wrong and both of us allowed it to happen.  I know my grief affected every aspect of my life - maybe that was his way of dealing with it.  I doubt it, because he was an unfeeling asshole, but hey, I will be generous and at least allow the possibility (not that I believe it, mind you).

Oh good lord - this is a horrible post.  You will have to bear with me as I find my way back to the funny side of things.  I just need to get a lot of this stuff out.

Did I mention yet I saw Sarah Palin speak here in town?  With my 30 year old youngster?  I will freely admit I am mostly a democrat.  There are aspects of both parties I don't agree with, but socially, I am more liberal.  As a woman, I am glad to have a female as a VP candidate (president would be better, but don't get me started).  But I would really like to have a female candidate not say "you betcha" in a speech/interview/debate.  Call me screwy, but I don't believe my VP should be quite so "down home" and "normal".  Crazy, I know.  But anyway. So we were at the event - didn't get in line early enough to sit in the auditorium, but we did get to stand in an overflow room and watch her on a big screen.  Well, she came into the overflow room and said a few words before the main part.  My 30 year old (I need a name for him - give me suggestions) was trying to snap a picture of this woman 50 feet away. I stood back and let him have his moment.  But as I was standing back, I happened to casually glance at his bottom.  And good lord, ladies, it was wonderful.  I can honestly say that I have not seen a pair of jeans look quite so good on a man in I don't know how long.  I didn't even watch Palin after that. I just stood a little behind him and watched that bottom.  We are going to a football game this weekend and I think I may ask him to break those jeans out again.  It did funny things to my insides.

Ok - so I managed to end on a good note. That is a small victory.