Wednesday, January 28, 2009

3 Years

Wow - I can't believe it has been 3 years since I lost Junior. Sometimes (a lot of time) I imagine what life would be like if she were here - if I had been lucky enough to deliver that sweet baby girl.  What would she be like?  What would she be doing?  

I miss my baby (and babies).  I wish they were here.  But I will always be thankful I had them for as long as I did.   They are all in heaven, watching over me with their uncle Dean.  

What a different place my life is in now - but it is a good place (today).  

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Good Times

So, I had a fan-freaking-tastic weekend.  My guy drove over Friday night and left this morning.  It went surprisingly well.  He saw me in my natural makeup, no shower and stinky.  And it was ok.  I was very comfortable.  And had a great time.  Thursday I had the brilliant idea that if he was driving over Saturday morning, why not make it Friday?  He was already going to see me with bedhead, what is one more day? And it turned out to be a very nice idea.  We literally spent the entire weekend together.  And I wasn't sick of him.  Granted, I don't know if he was sick of me, but he seemed fine with it.

Went to a basketball game on Saturday.  The seats were pretty average, but the company was pretty excellent.  The crazy, and I mean CRAZY, thing is that as we were leaving, we walked directly behind my ex.  And when I say directly, I mean I could have picked his pocket we were so close.  It was wild - hadn't seen him (other than in a car) for over a year.  It was odd.  I even told J that the guy right in front of us was my ex-husband.  He said "really???!!!??" and then we went right back to talking about something else.  

Now I am in the whole tizzy part of dating....does he like me?  Does he really mean it when he says he likes me?  Does the sight of my make up free face repel him?  When can I see him again?  Did the fact that he totally gave me whisker-burn and made my lips/chin super red make me less attractive? Arrgghh.  So much uncertainty.  One of my married friends was totally jealous of the whole butterflies/new/giggly feeling -- but I am more of a fan of the whole stable, secure relationship where you know where you stand....where you can fart and know that it is ok and don't need to go to another room to do so.  I like the old comfy slipper (as long as there is some excitement/romance thrown in).  The slipper is safe...I know the slipper fits me perfectly and have no need to look for anything flashier.  I honestly like this guy.  And my hips are WAY bigger than his...I have always said that I can't date a man if my hips are bigger than his.  If my jeans were to fall off of him, that would NOT be ok.  But they totally would (well, maybe not, but he has a lot less fat that I do - that is fo' sho).  And I am ok with this.  I will be monitoring my diet and exercising more though. :)

Not like my youngun.  He was (is) my friend and it was a crutch.  I knew there was no long term with him (blach).  But I wonder about J.  From what I have seen, my feelings are that I could date him long term.  The whole different city thing is an issue.  But I suppose I will cross that bridge if it ever comes up.

And the site of him walking from my bedroom into the bathroom is one where I did a little "click" and took a mental picture.  (sigh)

Did I mention I had a really great weekend?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


Wow - the scenes from DC were incredible.  What a rush it would have been to experience this history in person.  I would even have put up with my hatred of crowds.  But what was up with Aretha's hat?  Was it supposed to be plugged in and light up??

Yay to us for electing President Obama.  Hopefully, we are realistic enough to know he cannot fix everything magically.  This process will take time.

Maybe I will even become motivated enough to start the service to others stuff.  Maybe.  As long as it doesn't interfere with my life.  Maybe.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Positivity Rocks!

So, I am in "like".  WHAT??? you say?  Yes, people, I like a guy.  It is the NYE (New Years Eve for you slow pokes) guy.  I went back to DSM last weekend and went out with him.  We went to a hockey game Friday night with the same group as New Years and Saturday we had our first "date"...dinner and a movie.  ***Gran Torino is fantastic!!***

It was a load of fun.  The group night was a very good time (our first kiss too! And it was yummy) and the date night was great.  As you may or may not know, I can be slightly cheap.  Shocking, I know.  But I usually take in my own drinks and snacks to a movie.  Not popcorn, because I don't think that can be reproduced.   But I will take in water/pepsi and my beloved peanut butter M&M's.  Well, for a first date I thought that would be slightly I didn't bring anything. After dinner, on our way to the movie, he says "I have a surprise for you" and pulls out a bag with pepsi, water AND PEANUT BUTTER M&M'S!!!!!  He said that, surprisingly enough, PB M&M's are not everywhere.  He had to go to several places to find them.  It was so stinking sweet.  It was a great night.

We have emailed multiple times daily and had some marathon phone conversations.  I talked to him for an hour and a half yesterday.  An hour and a half people...I usually can't talk that long.  But I had to pee, so I stopped the conversation.  There are some people I can pee on the phone with...Karen, Bry, Mom...but that is about it.  He is coming here this weekend.  I am not sure how the whole thing is going to work. I mean, I have plans for Saturday and know what we are going to do.  But it is Saturday night I am unsure about.  Do I let him stay here?  And then do I let him stay on the couch?  It is too soon to "sleep" with him, so would that make it awkward?  Plus, I am wanting to take it slow since he is my brother's friend.  The biggest problem is "the morning after".  I can make myself look pretty decent, with time, shower and makeup.  But he could potentially see me in my natural state. And that is always pretty. My hair is crazy, no makeup, morning breath.  Ugghhh.  I am torn.  But sooo looking forward to it.  Except for the fact that I have a pimple AND a cold sore.  Why God?  Wwwhhhyyy? (shrug) Oh well. I bet it will be almost clear by Saturday (with lots of bag balm and meds).

I am listening to Bon Jovi.  Lord, I love him.  I hope he comes back in concert soon...the two times I have seen him (in this decade) have been 2 of the best times.  Jon is still smoking hot...Richie not so much, he looks rough.

Ok - need to run. Am going to lunch for my niece's birthday. She is 8...EIGHT!!!  

Sunday, January 11, 2009

New Year

I can honestly say I had the best New Year's Eve in a decade.  I went to visit my brother and SIL and went out with their friends.  I have known all but one for years and they are a great group of people.  My brother is very lucky to have them.  Well, the one I didn't know is a very cool guy. I have heard about him but never met.  We hit it off.  There is no way to adequately explain why the night was so fun, so I won't even try.  Suffice it to say, we went to dinner then to this old people-ish bar and danced up a storm.  I saw old ladies in glittery dresses, a Kenny Rogers post-surgery look-alike, cougars and the younger men that love them.  A good time was had by all.

I went back to my brother's house this weekend (he lives about 1.5 hours away) and went out with the guy on an official date.  It was a good time and I will be seeing him again.  He is nice, funny and just fun.  I have only been out with him a total of 3 times, but he is the kind of guy I want to date.  Him being in a different city is not ideal, especially when driving in wintery, midwest weather is involved.  But I look forward to seeing him again and I believe he feels the same way.  We shall see.

There was a "focus group" with the hospital that I had the tube removal at last week for perinatal loss.  I was the only one with a first trimester loss - each of the other 8 couples had late term losses. It was heartbreaking to hear their stories and relive my experience.  Seeing my mom cry was so hard.  She has been such a rock for me.  I am blessed to have her.

There is just so much that can go wrong with pregnancy.  You don't realize it when you are younger - the world is your oyster and everything will work out.  But the reality is that it doesn't always.  The hospital wanted to know what they did that was good, what wasn't and what we would have liked to have had happen (other than NOT losing our children).  If they implement some of the items brought up, I think it would be wonderful.  

Pregnancy loss seems to not be recognized as a traumatic event and that is horrible.  People understand your grief when you lose a child after birth, but they seem to brush it off when you lose the baby before birth.  And we have just the same feelings for our children whether they make it to term or not. We still love that child, have hopes and dreams for them.  We just don't have memories or tangible proof they were here.    And that almost makes it harder.  We wonder.  We wonder about the sex, who they would have looked like, if they would have been funny, smart or awkward.  We will never know and that sucks.  But that is life and we just have to put one foot in front of the other and go on.

That pretty much sums up my last two weeks.  I had some really good times and some painful ones.  I am trying to keep a positive outlook and so far, it seems to have brought good things.