Seriously??

So I got to learn how to give myself a shot last week.  I went to Dr. D's office for a class....with 20 other COUPLES.  Yes, kids, I was the only single person there.  I know I am doing this on my own and realize this is the first of many experiences where most other women have partners, but damn.  I felt so out of place.  But I made it through.  I told the instructor I was doing the shots on my own and how would that work....and another woman sitting by me said that she didn't trust her husband and was giving them to herself too.  I am pretty sure I have seen this same girl at the horrific blood drawing event and then at the office a different day.  She is this cute, bubbly blonde with an attractive husband who looks like a nice guy.  I want to befriend them and see if they have any cute single friends. :)

It would be nice to find someone else who is on a pregnancy quest.  Not just a single woman, but just someone else who is experiencing some of the same things.

So, I go through the steps of learning how to inject myself.  While I was sitting there, I wondered about drug addicts.  How do they figure out how to inject themselves?   Trial and error?  Do they have some druggie teacher who shows the best way to shoot up?

I was supposed to call the office with the first day of my cycle.  Of course, my period just couldn't start...there was spotting on Wednesday and Thursday.  Then I woke up in the middle of the night Wednesday night with bad cramps.  Great, I thought, my period is starting. So I called the office on Friday and went in for an ultrasound.  I was so excited because my plan was moving along....I was going to start the shots and have an IUI in early December.  But no - why should anything go smoothly?

I have a cyst on my ovary and Dr. D won't proceed with anything until the cyst is gone.   Guess how they work to remove the cyst?  By putting me on birth control pills.  So I need to delay the process for a month while we try to get the cyst to go away.  This sucks.  So they gave me a month of pills and drew some blood.  Birth control pills don't do well with my body.  I get nauseous horribly.  I tried taking the pill first thing in the morning and felt terrible all day.  So tonight I am going to take the pill before I go to bed and hope that helps.

But the whole thing just sucks.  I understand them not wanting to do anything with the cyst as that can inhibit any implantation.  But I wonder if my beloved Dr. B missed it before.  Should I have skipped him and gone to Dr. D immediately?  Shoulda, woulda, coulda.  I just need to deal with what I have now and not dwell on what might have been.

Holding Pattern

I have a new baby daddy. I have named him Howie. So, whenever I go for a procedure, I will now say I am going on a date with Howie.

The big news is that I am going to start trying to date. I have been a coward lately when it comes to dating...didn't want to put myself out there and risk getting rejected. I can't get rejected if I don't try, right? Most of the time I feel I have overcome the effects of my divorce, but sometimes I wonder. Not that I miss my ex, but will I trust as much again? Trust in myself and trust in my partner? The rat bastard cheated on me and how could I not have known? I was completely blindsided. How could I have fallen (or settled more like it) for someone who would do such a thing? What if I make that mistake again?

But that is life. I have to keep moving on. I know I don't want to be 60 and by myself....but I also don't want to be unhappy in a relationship. Oh well. We will give it a shot and see what happens.

This month has been really nice - I didn't have an IUI because I switched doctors. I just had some blood work done and done poorly, might I add. I know everyone needs to learn in their job, but having some untrained kid practice on me wasn't fun. My arm hurt for a week afterwards. I am a bleeder...it isn't really difficult to get my blood. But good lord, the kid tried like 4 times before the supervisor took over.

Then I had some tests done....an ultrasound which isn't usually bad...but when they flush water where water shouldn't go - it isn't fun. But the break has been nice...no two weeks of worry, hope and then disappointment.

I go in next week to learn how to give myself some shots. My mom, lord love her, offered to go to the class with me. But I am ok going by myself.  Even with all the support from my family, I am still doing this by myself, so I need to get used to going it alone.