Thursday, October 23, 2008

Nothing New

I haven't posted in a while.  I feel guilty about that so will post a Seinfeld-esque (how do you spell that??) post about nothing.

I held my friend's sweet baby girl today - what a little doll.  For some reason, it wasn't painful.  I felt a twinge, an "I want this" sort of thing, but it wasn't heartbreaking.  It was good. She is a beautiful little thing and her big brother is a charmer.

Although, I ate at Cheesecake Factory this week and every other woman through those damn doors was pregnant.  Bitches. Each and every one of them.

I am going out of town to see another friend tomorrow.  I plan on drinking a lot.  But I have to drive, so that plan may need to be amended.  I am really looking forward to it.

I woke up this morning to Murray, my cat, dry heaving in the hall.  

This rain is making me sleepy.  I should turn on my furnace, but I am cheap and roll up in a blanket.  I found an electric throw and just about did a cart wheel in Sears.  I can keep my furnace on 62 with that thing...except in the mornings - then I need at least 68 to shower.  I haven't actually gotten the electric throw yet, but I am glad to know it is there.

Can you tell I am cheap?  I never turn the air on (unless it is consistently above 90) and keep the furnace set super low.  My mom wants me to get an electric throw for her too, as she shivers whenever she comes over.  Maybe I am taking this cheap thing too far????

Halloween is my 2nd favorite holiday.  I need to start thinking of a costume.  I think I am actually very good at coming up with odd ideas.  I went as a flower pot one year - cut the bottom out of a big plastic tub (you remember those old blue ones with rope handles???), held it on with suspenders and put that green styrofoam (that they use in flower arrangements) around the inside of the tube and stuck in fake flowers. I had on brown tights (dirt, for those who can't figure it out), astroturf around the bottom of the tube (um, grass), a green turtleneck (the flower stem) and a childs headband with petals on my head.  It was actually a very good costume. Until I figured out a) I could not sit down and b) I couldn't pee.  Both are pretty important.  Oh well.  I looked cute.

My youngun is still around.  Both brothers and sisters in law gave a "no comment". After he grilled my SIL about just voting for Obama cuz she is black, I pretty much knew the favorable comments were not coming.  The youngun doesn't do it to be intentionally offensive. He is just a bit socially awkward.  But that sweet bottom just keeps drawing me in.  Maybe if I take advantage of him for awhile, the appeal will wear off.

Another friend of mine wants to set me up with one of her hubbie's friends.  I have met him before and he seems nice.  He has a 2 year old son, so is a proven breeder...which is a bonus.  In the old days, didn't the man look for a "breeder"?  Hmmm.  Oh well. I need someone with some powerful sperm - and a million dollars.

I still have 4 frozen embies in the freezer. I think I may try in January or February.  It just depends. My place of employment had some lay offs last week. I was a brilliant planner and didn't teach my staff everything.  I am the only one who knows everything about the rules/systems.  If they lay me off, they are screwed.  But if they laid me off, I don't think I would care if they were screwed, would I?

Ok - I have posted enough to not feel guilty. Peace out.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Poem

I found this poem on another blog and wanted to share.

I will be better...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.  I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.  I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.  My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.  Whether I parent a child I actually gave birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.  I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall, I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.   So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.  I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.  I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother. ~ Author Unknown.

Now, granted, some of this poem seems a bit over the top.  But I like the overall message.  And though I am not in the "I have prevailed" mindset, I will be someday.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I am....

broken. I am tired. I am in need.  I have all these negative adjectives to describe me.  But I do have good moments.  And they almost make everything worse.  I am putting on my strong face - the one that shows I am fine with all that has happened.  Sometimes I believe it too, and think 'ok - you are going to be better than before.'  I mean, how can I go through all this and not be a better person?  I am most definitely stronger.  I have wonderful parents/family/friends.  I have a lot more than most.  I know I have a lot more debt than most - but that is for me to think about later.   I may try to sell my house and move in with my parents.  I can get by as is, but I don't want to just "get by".  I don't want to have to not go see a friend because I don't have the gas $$ budgeted for it.  And that makes me feel like  a loser, so we won't go into that now.

I know I should make this "lighter" - get some humor going.  And believe me, there are some things that are actually funny that I could share.  But while I can see the humor in them, they have a sad side that almost makes me feel worse.

What have I done to change my life in the last 2 weeks?  I went to a football game (which my team lost in a very heart wrenching way).  I took my nephew on a field trip.  He is not yet 3, so can't ride the bus and the only way for him to go to the pumpkin patch with his daycare class was to have someone drive him.  That sweet little boy has always had a special place in my heart.  Not only because he is my nephew.  When he was born, it was a bittersweet moment for me.  Here was this beautiful baby, that I held when he was just hours old.  I held him and cried - tears of both joy and sorrow.  Pure joy for my family and sorrow that I was having such a hard time getting pregnant for the 2nd time.  Well, 2 weeks after Ben's birth I got pregnant.  What a double blessing.  But I lost that sweet baby.  The day after my d&c, my ex and I went to the cemetery to visit my Uncle Dean's grave. I cried and talked to Dean and asked him to watch over my babies.  When we were done, I needed to stop by Ben's house. I needed to hold a baby in my arms.  My sister-in-law was so sweet.  Ben was sleeping in his swing and she just lifted him out and put him in my arms.  I remember so vividly.  Why do we always remember the painful moments with more clarity than the joyful ones?  

I was crying, tears streaming down my face.  Ben was just cuddled in my arms.  All of a sudden, he stirred, opened his eyes, looked and gave me this gassy, baby smile. He then just went right to sleep.  It was both heartbreaking and wonderful.  Ben's daycare provider couldn't take him when my SIL's maternity leave was up, so my mom and I took turns watching him during the day.  I think that was instrumental in starting my healing process.  After having the baby girl I so desperately, desperately wanted taken, I could pour out my love on this sweet baby boy.  I got to rock him to sleep, sing to him, cuddle him, love him.  I could almost pretend he was kinda mine, in a way.  I love my niece and nephew in different ways - but just as much.  While Claire is just a joy, Ben saved me, in a way.  I will always look at him as the child I could never have.  Not that I think of him as "mine". I am not a looney (yet).  But I don't know how to explain it any differently.

Well, that was quite a tangent.  But what a trip down memory lane.  So bittersweet.  Those weeks I was pregnant with Junior were the happiest of my life.  Everything was good (except for the constant worry).  I was happy with my ex - I remember he would come home from work and I would just be happy to see him.  After I lost Junior, I didn't really care.  I was just relieved to get home and be able to take a pill and numb everything.  I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to eat. I just wanted escape.  And it was during those months that he found someone else and started his affair.  I truly believe the demise of the marriage took both of us.  Both of us did something wrong and both of us allowed it to happen.  I know my grief affected every aspect of my life - maybe that was his way of dealing with it.  I doubt it, because he was an unfeeling asshole, but hey, I will be generous and at least allow the possibility (not that I believe it, mind you).

Oh good lord - this is a horrible post.  You will have to bear with me as I find my way back to the funny side of things.  I just need to get a lot of this stuff out.

Did I mention yet I saw Sarah Palin speak here in town?  With my 30 year old youngster?  I will freely admit I am mostly a democrat.  There are aspects of both parties I don't agree with, but socially, I am more liberal.  As a woman, I am glad to have a female as a VP candidate (president would be better, but don't get me started).  But I would really like to have a female candidate not say "you betcha" in a speech/interview/debate.  Call me screwy, but I don't believe my VP should be quite so "down home" and "normal".  Crazy, I know.  But anyway. So we were at the event - didn't get in line early enough to sit in the auditorium, but we did get to stand in an overflow room and watch her on a big screen.  Well, she came into the overflow room and said a few words before the main part.  My 30 year old (I need a name for him - give me suggestions) was trying to snap a picture of this woman 50 feet away. I stood back and let him have his moment.  But as I was standing back, I happened to casually glance at his bottom.  And good lord, ladies, it was wonderful.  I can honestly say that I have not seen a pair of jeans look quite so good on a man in I don't know how long.  I didn't even watch Palin after that. I just stood a little behind him and watched that bottom.  We are going to a football game this weekend and I think I may ask him to break those jeans out again.  It did funny things to my insides.

Ok - so I managed to end on a good note. That is a small victory.