Oprah

Oprah had a special on kids with donor sperm biological fathers.  Almost every person with a DI dad alluded to some sort of missing piece or emptiness...which made me think.  What am I setting my (please god) future child up for?

When I was trying to decide if I should go down this path, I tried to think of how I would tell my child about his/her conception.  How could I make them understand?  I blindly thought by telling them just how desperately I wanted them, how much of a gift they are to me, it would be ok.  I had planned on saying the donor was a wonderful person who had given of themselves to try and help me attain my greatest dream.  I was going to read all I could in order to help me and that child.  But what if it isn't enough?

What if I don't do it right?  What if this child, who was/is so desperately wanted, feels "less" than other kids?  I can hear my mom's voice right now "Don't be silly.  That child will be completely surrounded by love - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts, great uncles.  All of whom will love that child unconditionally.  Besides, how many kids these days actually have two parents active in their lives?"

All of which I get and agree with.  But what if I fail, somehow, to make it ok?  There is just so much that terrifies me on this journey:  first and foremost, failure of even carrying a baby to term.  God knows how devastating each loss is - can I handle never actually holding my own child??

But what if it works?  What then?  I have a plan of attack; I am not going into this quest thinking that all will be solved once I have a baby. I know life is going to be difficult and stressful - but I also know I will wake up each day so thankful for that little life.  But what about that little life?  Will I be able to provide all he/she needs?  Materialistically, I highly doubt it.  Unless my plan to win the lottery works, I will not be able to give my child all he/she asks for.  But that isn't bad.  My parents are firmly middle class - I had the most amazingly ugly car in high school (but it turns out it wasn't such a bad idea.  The way I drove, I needed a tank.); I didn't have all the fashionable clothes or gizmos.  But I knew I was loved and I had all that I needed.  

And isn't that the most important thing?  When I get completely freaked out, that is what I need to focus on.  I will love my child and be thankful each day (which could be hard during teenage years) and hopefully that will be enough.  It certainly has to be better than some.

As for the donor dad thing, maybe I will just tell them my new boyfriend Gerard Butler got stranded in Omaha for a few days.