Waiting Game

I had my first IUI with Dr. D on Friday.  I am used to a fair amount of cramping when ovulating with Clomid...but it was a ton worse on these injections.  I could hardly walk upright.  But I felt better on Saturday morning, so I am just assuming it was normal due to more follicles.  I will start taking progesterone on Monday, twice a day until I take a pregnancy test.  Then, if negative, I start the process all over.

When I had the procedures with my beloved Dr. Hottie, I would obsess about it.  I would go home after each procedure and lay down for hours, hoping the extra horizontal time would somehow get more sperm up to the target area.  Dr. Hottie said I could hang upside down for hours and it wouldn't make a difference, but somehow it always made be feel better.  This time, I laid on the table for 15 minutes after the IUI (trying to relax by listening to my IPOD) and then went to work.  I was very uncomfortable though, so left about 3:00.  

Not that I want to jinx this or anything, but when Dr. D was doing my last ultrasound before the IUI, she said I had "a lot" of follicles.  Dr. Hottie would always count them and measure...Dr. D. just said I had a bunch.  She has a policy that if you have "a bunch" of follicles, you must agree to having a reduction done if you get pregnant with multiples.  I think she is fine with twins, or even triplets, but if the procedure results in multiples then she has you reduce them...for your health and the babies.  I have a lower risk of multiples since I am using frozen sperm, but it is something I had to think about.  I understand why she has this requirement.  And, right now, I don't think I would have a problem with a reduction if I absolutely had to.  I know nothing about the process, how they are chosen, anything.  And I truly do pray that I will never have to know.  I just pray for one healthy baby.

An update on the dating front: I am using an online dating service and so far have not had any dates.  There are several men I am emailing, but none have progressed to any face to face meeting.  This is a terrible time - who wants to meet someone new over Christmas or even New Years.  New Years is bad enough - no need to complicate it with some new date.

I had charted what my body was doing with all the other procedures - but I am not going to this time.  I don't know that it helped me at all...just made me think about it every day.  And not that I can help BUT think about it with the progesterone, but I am not sure if the progesterone has side affects that would be different than normal. And I don't want to get my hopes up any more than I already have.  That just makes the negative so much worse.

But positive thoughts can't hurt - I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Shooting Up

I could have been such an accomplished heroin addict.  I mean, I have some true skills when it comes to giving myself shots.  I suppose I should explain...

So, I had the whole cyst experience last month and didn't have an insemination.  I was to call Dr. D's office with the first day of my cycle.  Last month, when I did this, I had to go to the office the same morning (like 25 minutes after calling).  This month, my first day was on a Saturday, so I needed to call on Sunday.  Well, I thought I would be a bit proactive and get up at 6:15 a.m. to shower then call so I would be ready to go in.  Well, I shower, get ready and call at 7:15.  The lady I spoke with said "Great, come in tomorrow morning around 7:30".  WHAT?  Tomorrow?  Um, I set my alarm clock on a Sunday for this and now it turns out I didn't need to?  Crap.  I can't even go back to bed because I am wide awake and showered now.  

So after wallowing in my bitterness for the entire day, I went in Monday morning full of optimism.  I check in and gaze at the number of beautiful couples there...I swear I saw at least 4 couples where the woman was slender, gorgeous and well-dressed and the man looked professionally attractive.  Well, until he pulled out his blackberry and started scrolling.  That brought him down a bit in my book.  So, there I am sitting by myself in my fat pants feeling exceedingly frumpy.  Each time I tell myself the nurses are lucky I shaved my legs...why do I need to dress to impress? Then I get there and my self-confidence takes a nose-dive.  I don't know why it matters - I don't know these people.  But it does, for some reason.  I just lose all confidence.  I really need to work on this, I think.

Ok - that was a bit of a tangent.  Blah blah blah - I get there and am getting the ultrasound and what does the nurse find? The same damn cyst is still there.  It hasn't changed at all.  She  walks out of the room mumbling something about "the dr sticking a needle up there and draining it"...which didn't sound all that appealing.  I had to sit there on the table naked from the waist down trying to figure out exactly how they would accomplish draining that damn cyst.  Nothing I came up with sounded painless.  But the nurse came back in, told me to get dressed and they would draw some blood.  They draw the blood (no bruising, thank the lord) and tell me they would give me a call.

One thing I absolutely love about my beloved Dr Hottie was that he would explain every little detail and map out our plan of attack.  Dr. D is a professional who works on an as-needed basis....meaning you will know what she tells you and don't ask any questions.  I don't think she is intentionally NOT telling me what I want to know, I just think she has this down to a science and she isn't there to get to know her patients. She is there for one reason only: get that patient pregnant.  Which is great, but just not really what I am used to.

So a few hours later, I get a call telling me that the cyst is too small to drain and it is "non-estrogen producing".  Which is good, I guess.  The nurse says they are going to proceed with a procedure this month and I need to inject myself with two doses of the drug every night and to go into the office Friday morning for an ultrasound.  I should be thrilled that I am moving forward but I'm not. I can honestly say I am terrified right now.  Holy shit. I am really doing this - spending thousands and thousands of dollars, going into debt all to get further in debt by getting pregnant.  What the hell was I thinking?  

But, just like my mantra, I say "it will be fine" and put one foot in front of the other. I go home and stare at this two inch needle that I have to stick into my ass....all the way in, not just part way.  I try and psych myself up, draw a target on my butt cheek in black permanent marker and just jab it in.  And am totally surprised that it really doesn't hurt.  It burns a bit as I inject the meds, but the needle itself doesn't hurt.  I am elated.  I do a little happy dance and then it hits me.  I honestly have not done a happy dance since I was pregnant. I have been happy since the miscarriage and divorce, but not happy-dance happy.  It felt good.  I want to feel that more often.  So while this journey scares the be-jesus out of me, it also makes me truly happy.  I am working toward accomplishing something I have wanted for most of my life.  I can't wait for the rabbit to die and deliver a healthy baby.  And to be completely honest, I already have the names decided on....one boy name and one girl name with the same middle name.  I pray I need those names soon.  

Dating

Dating sucks.  Of course, I haven't actually been on a date for a while (ok something like 6 months), but just finding someone to go on a date with sucks.  I will admit to being particularly picky.  But am I wrong for wanting someone I find attractive? I don't need Albert Reed attractive, more like Andy from SNL attractive.  But where does a woman find someone?  My friends don't know people, work boys are a no no and I am sooooo far past the bar scene.

I thought this would be a good time to try, at least.  No baby-making procedures for this month, so why not try.  I am doing an on-line dating service and there is one guy I am emailing.  But my problem is that I don't like short guys...and there are just a crap load of guys under 5'8" on this site.  I probably need to get past my desire for a taller guy, but why?  I don't need a man.  I don't have to find some man to complete me.  I don't need anyone else.  I would like to find someone, but I won't be devastated if I don't.  And that is why I won't compromise on what I want.  If I don't want to email some guy who is 5'5", I don't need to.

Lord, do I sound like I am trying to convince myself?  I actually do feel guilty for choosing not to email someone because they are 5'5".   But oh well. I will get over it.