Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Some Hope

My dr says everything looks good.  I ordered my meds and am waiting for my cycle to start.  I am truly hopeful for this cycle to work.  I don't know if that is good or bad, but I am feeling good about it.

I have found a website that has been a godsend - www.justmommies.com and use the boards for pregnancy loss.  What wonderful ladies.  They have given me a measure of peace about all that has happened.  Maybe I have experienced this so many times I am finally getting used to coping with it.  I don't know, but it helps.  To share with other women who have been through the same thing - to learn from them and share my thoughts has been incredible.

This is what I feel right now - who knows if it will change tomorow.  With each loss, we learn.  Through all the grief and guilt, we gain.  We may find an unknown inner strength, more compassion or a greater appreciation for all we do have (and what we will one day have).  Each of my losses changed me into the woman I am today.  And while I may not have had my angels for long, they somehow, in some way, made me a better person/sister/friend/daughter.  I can only pray they will also make me a better mother in the future.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

It can get worse

So I had a d&c and a laprascopy on Friday.  I don't think I am able to talk about it all yet.  My baby was in my right tube and the dr removed the entire tube.  Not only am I in enormous pain from the procedure, I am completely devastated by this loss.  I just can't even begin to process this enough to write anything.  I did name the baby May (my mom's middle name).  I have lost Hope, Junior and Baby May.  My 3rd child was lost before I even knew he was around - I don't know how to give him a name.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What Now

I realize it has been quite some time since I last posted.  The IUI in March didn't work and I was just so down.  I let the blog fall to the way side and just went about my life. I was dating someone who was ok with the whole baby quest but I wasn't very happy with him.  I eventually threw him back for some other woman to find.

I had another IUI in May.  There were all these signs pointing to a positive outcome.  The IUI was scheduled for Monday and the day before was both my mom's birthday and mother's day.  On Monday there was a huge article in the local paper about single women becoming mothers by choice.  What other sign did I need??  So I had the IUI, then started taking the progesterone and waited.

I took a pregnancy test and waited 5 minutes to see the results.  I tilted that damn test every which way and saw a faint, faint line.  I about freaked out.  I called the dr and went in for a blood test.  My beta level was good but my estrogen & progesterone were abysmal.  They gave me shots, patches & pills to take.  The shots were a bitch - I bruised up, there were knots under my skin and it hurt to lay down.  The very next day I started to spot.  I went in for another test 2 days after the first and my progesterone & estrogen levels were fantastic but my beta didn't increase as much as it should have.  They wanted me to continue doing what I was doing and come in for another test in 5 days to see what the levels were doing.  Those 5 days were the longest ever.  I continued to spot pretty heavily.  On day 5, the levels came back and my beta was not in the normal range.  I had to stop all meds and basically wait to lose the baby.  

It freaking sucks.  About 5 days later I passed the baby and buried her (?) at my uncle's grave.  My mom and I said a prayer and I bawled like crazy.  

I went in today for another blood draw and an ultrasound.  The ultrasound looked "uneventful" according to the nurse.  But I got a call...my beta level is still increasing.  The nurse said the dr wants to do a d&c and a laproscopy.  Dr D was out of town today, but the nurse said she will call me tomorrow to discuss.

Last week I had 8 vials of blood drawn because they labeled me a "habitual aborter".  They need to run some tests to see if there is some determinable reason why I can't maintain a pregnancy.  They told me today all the tests that have come back have been good - there are a couple more they are waiting for the results on.

Seriously, what else is going to go wrong on this quest?  I just want the dr to say "no more - it won't work" or "keep going - something good will happen".  But I highly doubt that is going to happen.  My life seems to be nothing but wait and see....and most of the time the waiting just brings a crappy outcome.