Waiting Game

I had my first IUI with Dr. D on Friday.  I am used to a fair amount of cramping when ovulating with Clomid...but it was a ton worse on these injections.  I could hardly walk upright.  But I felt better on Saturday morning, so I am just assuming it was normal due to more follicles.  I will start taking progesterone on Monday, twice a day until I take a pregnancy test.  Then, if negative, I start the process all over.

When I had the procedures with my beloved Dr. Hottie, I would obsess about it.  I would go home after each procedure and lay down for hours, hoping the extra horizontal time would somehow get more sperm up to the target area.  Dr. Hottie said I could hang upside down for hours and it wouldn't make a difference, but somehow it always made be feel better.  This time, I laid on the table for 15 minutes after the IUI (trying to relax by listening to my IPOD) and then went to work.  I was very uncomfortable though, so left about 3:00.  

Not that I want to jinx this or anything, but when Dr. D was doing my last ultrasound before the IUI, she said I had "a lot" of follicles.  Dr. Hottie would always count them and measure...Dr. D. just said I had a bunch.  She has a policy that if you have "a bunch" of follicles, you must agree to having a reduction done if you get pregnant with multiples.  I think she is fine with twins, or even triplets, but if the procedure results in multiples then she has you reduce them...for your health and the babies.  I have a lower risk of multiples since I am using frozen sperm, but it is something I had to think about.  I understand why she has this requirement.  And, right now, I don't think I would have a problem with a reduction if I absolutely had to.  I know nothing about the process, how they are chosen, anything.  And I truly do pray that I will never have to know.  I just pray for one healthy baby.

An update on the dating front: I am using an online dating service and so far have not had any dates.  There are several men I am emailing, but none have progressed to any face to face meeting.  This is a terrible time - who wants to meet someone new over Christmas or even New Years.  New Years is bad enough - no need to complicate it with some new date.

I had charted what my body was doing with all the other procedures - but I am not going to this time.  I don't know that it helped me at all...just made me think about it every day.  And not that I can help BUT think about it with the progesterone, but I am not sure if the progesterone has side affects that would be different than normal. And I don't want to get my hopes up any more than I already have.  That just makes the negative so much worse.

But positive thoughts can't hurt - I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Shooting Up

I could have been such an accomplished heroin addict.  I mean, I have some true skills when it comes to giving myself shots.  I suppose I should explain...

So, I had the whole cyst experience last month and didn't have an insemination.  I was to call Dr. D's office with the first day of my cycle.  Last month, when I did this, I had to go to the office the same morning (like 25 minutes after calling).  This month, my first day was on a Saturday, so I needed to call on Sunday.  Well, I thought I would be a bit proactive and get up at 6:15 a.m. to shower then call so I would be ready to go in.  Well, I shower, get ready and call at 7:15.  The lady I spoke with said "Great, come in tomorrow morning around 7:30".  WHAT?  Tomorrow?  Um, I set my alarm clock on a Sunday for this and now it turns out I didn't need to?  Crap.  I can't even go back to bed because I am wide awake and showered now.  

So after wallowing in my bitterness for the entire day, I went in Monday morning full of optimism.  I check in and gaze at the number of beautiful couples there...I swear I saw at least 4 couples where the woman was slender, gorgeous and well-dressed and the man looked professionally attractive.  Well, until he pulled out his blackberry and started scrolling.  That brought him down a bit in my book.  So, there I am sitting by myself in my fat pants feeling exceedingly frumpy.  Each time I tell myself the nurses are lucky I shaved my legs...why do I need to dress to impress? Then I get there and my self-confidence takes a nose-dive.  I don't know why it matters - I don't know these people.  But it does, for some reason.  I just lose all confidence.  I really need to work on this, I think.

Ok - that was a bit of a tangent.  Blah blah blah - I get there and am getting the ultrasound and what does the nurse find? The same damn cyst is still there.  It hasn't changed at all.  She  walks out of the room mumbling something about "the dr sticking a needle up there and draining it"...which didn't sound all that appealing.  I had to sit there on the table naked from the waist down trying to figure out exactly how they would accomplish draining that damn cyst.  Nothing I came up with sounded painless.  But the nurse came back in, told me to get dressed and they would draw some blood.  They draw the blood (no bruising, thank the lord) and tell me they would give me a call.

One thing I absolutely love about my beloved Dr Hottie was that he would explain every little detail and map out our plan of attack.  Dr. D is a professional who works on an as-needed basis....meaning you will know what she tells you and don't ask any questions.  I don't think she is intentionally NOT telling me what I want to know, I just think she has this down to a science and she isn't there to get to know her patients. She is there for one reason only: get that patient pregnant.  Which is great, but just not really what I am used to.

So a few hours later, I get a call telling me that the cyst is too small to drain and it is "non-estrogen producing".  Which is good, I guess.  The nurse says they are going to proceed with a procedure this month and I need to inject myself with two doses of the drug every night and to go into the office Friday morning for an ultrasound.  I should be thrilled that I am moving forward but I'm not. I can honestly say I am terrified right now.  Holy shit. I am really doing this - spending thousands and thousands of dollars, going into debt all to get further in debt by getting pregnant.  What the hell was I thinking?  

But, just like my mantra, I say "it will be fine" and put one foot in front of the other. I go home and stare at this two inch needle that I have to stick into my ass....all the way in, not just part way.  I try and psych myself up, draw a target on my butt cheek in black permanent marker and just jab it in.  And am totally surprised that it really doesn't hurt.  It burns a bit as I inject the meds, but the needle itself doesn't hurt.  I am elated.  I do a little happy dance and then it hits me.  I honestly have not done a happy dance since I was pregnant. I have been happy since the miscarriage and divorce, but not happy-dance happy.  It felt good.  I want to feel that more often.  So while this journey scares the be-jesus out of me, it also makes me truly happy.  I am working toward accomplishing something I have wanted for most of my life.  I can't wait for the rabbit to die and deliver a healthy baby.  And to be completely honest, I already have the names decided on....one boy name and one girl name with the same middle name.  I pray I need those names soon.  

Dating

Dating sucks.  Of course, I haven't actually been on a date for a while (ok something like 6 months), but just finding someone to go on a date with sucks.  I will admit to being particularly picky.  But am I wrong for wanting someone I find attractive? I don't need Albert Reed attractive, more like Andy from SNL attractive.  But where does a woman find someone?  My friends don't know people, work boys are a no no and I am sooooo far past the bar scene.

I thought this would be a good time to try, at least.  No baby-making procedures for this month, so why not try.  I am doing an on-line dating service and there is one guy I am emailing.  But my problem is that I don't like short guys...and there are just a crap load of guys under 5'8" on this site.  I probably need to get past my desire for a taller guy, but why?  I don't need a man.  I don't have to find some man to complete me.  I don't need anyone else.  I would like to find someone, but I won't be devastated if I don't.  And that is why I won't compromise on what I want.  If I don't want to email some guy who is 5'5", I don't need to.

Lord, do I sound like I am trying to convince myself?  I actually do feel guilty for choosing not to email someone because they are 5'5".   But oh well. I will get over it.

Seriously??

So I got to learn how to give myself a shot last week.  I went to Dr. D's office for a class....with 20 other COUPLES.  Yes, kids, I was the only single person there.  I know I am doing this on my own and realize this is the first of many experiences where most other women have partners, but damn.  I felt so out of place.  But I made it through.  I told the instructor I was doing the shots on my own and how would that work....and another woman sitting by me said that she didn't trust her husband and was giving them to herself too.  I am pretty sure I have seen this same girl at the horrific blood drawing event and then at the office a different day.  She is this cute, bubbly blonde with an attractive husband who looks like a nice guy.  I want to befriend them and see if they have any cute single friends. :)

It would be nice to find someone else who is on a pregnancy quest.  Not just a single woman, but just someone else who is experiencing some of the same things.

So, I go through the steps of learning how to inject myself.  While I was sitting there, I wondered about drug addicts.  How do they figure out how to inject themselves?   Trial and error?  Do they have some druggie teacher who shows the best way to shoot up?

I was supposed to call the office with the first day of my cycle.  Of course, my period just couldn't start...there was spotting on Wednesday and Thursday.  Then I woke up in the middle of the night Wednesday night with bad cramps.  Great, I thought, my period is starting. So I called the office on Friday and went in for an ultrasound.  I was so excited because my plan was moving along....I was going to start the shots and have an IUI in early December.  But no - why should anything go smoothly?

I have a cyst on my ovary and Dr. D won't proceed with anything until the cyst is gone.   Guess how they work to remove the cyst?  By putting me on birth control pills.  So I need to delay the process for a month while we try to get the cyst to go away.  This sucks.  So they gave me a month of pills and drew some blood.  Birth control pills don't do well with my body.  I get nauseous horribly.  I tried taking the pill first thing in the morning and felt terrible all day.  So tonight I am going to take the pill before I go to bed and hope that helps.

But the whole thing just sucks.  I understand them not wanting to do anything with the cyst as that can inhibit any implantation.  But I wonder if my beloved Dr. B missed it before.  Should I have skipped him and gone to Dr. D immediately?  Shoulda, woulda, coulda.  I just need to deal with what I have now and not dwell on what might have been.

Holding Pattern

I have a new baby daddy. I have named him Howie. So, whenever I go for a procedure, I will now say I am going on a date with Howie.

The big news is that I am going to start trying to date. I have been a coward lately when it comes to dating...didn't want to put myself out there and risk getting rejected. I can't get rejected if I don't try, right? Most of the time I feel I have overcome the effects of my divorce, but sometimes I wonder. Not that I miss my ex, but will I trust as much again? Trust in myself and trust in my partner? The rat bastard cheated on me and how could I not have known? I was completely blindsided. How could I have fallen (or settled more like it) for someone who would do such a thing? What if I make that mistake again?

But that is life. I have to keep moving on. I know I don't want to be 60 and by myself....but I also don't want to be unhappy in a relationship. Oh well. We will give it a shot and see what happens.

This month has been really nice - I didn't have an IUI because I switched doctors. I just had some blood work done and done poorly, might I add. I know everyone needs to learn in their job, but having some untrained kid practice on me wasn't fun. My arm hurt for a week afterwards. I am a bleeder...it isn't really difficult to get my blood. But good lord, the kid tried like 4 times before the supervisor took over.

Then I had some tests done....an ultrasound which isn't usually bad...but when they flush water where water shouldn't go - it isn't fun. But the break has been nice...no two weeks of worry, hope and then disappointment.

I go in next week to learn how to give myself some shots. My mom, lord love her, offered to go to the class with me. But I am ok going by myself.  Even with all the support from my family, I am still doing this by myself, so I need to get used to going it alone.

Starting

This baby quest has consumed my life. Don't get me wrong, I cannot wait to finally see that plus sign on the stick and deliver a healthy baby. It is getting to that point that is making me crazy.

A little history for you. I am a 37 year old divorced woman. The divorce was official last October. I didn't have any children with my husband, but was pregnant twice and lost both the babies....one very early in the pregnancy and the 2nd when I was in my 11th week. I was absolutely devastated. Even my ex telling me he wanted a divorce was not nearly as horrible as losing my babies....which could be a sympton of why the marriage didn't work. My mom calls my ex "the rat bastard". I don't want this to be about him at all, so I hope to not mention him too much ever.

After dating for awhile after the divorce, I realized that I want a child more than I want a relationship. I am smart enough to know that settling on someone isn't worth it, I don't want to have to share custody of a child, so a quick little jaunt to the local bar of desperation didn't appeal...so I thought "why not?" and spoke with my ob/gyn about getting pregnant on my own. I absolutely adore my ob. He is supportive, caring and fabulous. The first time I met him was after my first miscarriage. I originally asked co-workers who their wives used. One recommended this woman in a practice, so I made an appointment with her. Before I could make it to the 6 week appointment, I started spotting then lost the baby. When I went in for a checkup the next day, my dr of choice was busy. So I waited and waited until a nurse finally asked if I would see a different doctor - a man. I originally only wanted a female. I have had female drs since one REALLY bad experience at Planned Parenthood when I was younger. But I was a wreck and just wanted this appointment over, so I agreed. It was one of the better decisions of my life. When the dr walked in, my first thought was "oh shit, he is freaking hot!". But after he sat and talked to me for awhile, I could totally get past his beauty. Don't get me wrong, I still think he is hot and fabulous, but he is just such a good doctor, I don't dwell on it.

So, we discussed options and he gave me the sites for a couple sperm banks. Now, if there is one thing in life I love, it is shopping. Shoes and purses especially. But this shopping was so surreal. I was shopping for half of my future child's dna. Did I want straight hair or curly? Thick lips or thin? Medium toned skin or fair? Did I want the donor to share my physical traits? Or did I care if they were completely different? It was utterly overwhelming. I finally decided that the best way to start weeding guys out was to read their profile, staff impressions, etc and ask myself one important question: "Would I sleep with them? " Crazy, but it helped.

After weeks of searching, I thought I had found my perfect donor. He had dark, curly hair, green eyes, medium skin and a thin, straight nose. He seemed to be a good mix of social, smart and athletic. I didn't want super smart or super athletic...just somewhere in the middle. Plus, to my shame, I was swayed by the little "staff observation" comment section for donor 1957. "...has a lean, athletic build and is very attractive. He has perfect skin and amazing light green eyes." Now, I am not excessively vain, but how wrong of me is it to want to give my future child as much of a head start as possible? So, I bought as much of his sperm as I could.

I had 4 attempts where I would take Chlomid, then get a shot to stimulate ovulation and have an IUI done. None worked. When you are trying so desperately to get pregnant, the two weeks between the procedure and when you period could start are torture. Am I? Aren't I? Should I move this couch? Do anything physical? It is horrible. I think it is worse because of my history of miscarriage. Even though doctors tell you that nothing you did caused the loss, I will always feel responsible. Obviously I must have done something to cause the death of these babies, as it was my body that did it. So that makes me even more frantic to try and do everything correctly.

So, after 4 attempts my beloved doctor told me to move on to a specialist....where instead of taking chlomid and having mild hot flashes, I will be taking hormone injections daily and having major hot flashes and mood swings. Joy. And to make it better, my fabulous donor has a non-compatible CMV test result. Which my beloved dr didn't ask about...evidently, that is some question only a specialist asks. So not only do I get to move on to a dr I don't really know, I now must start my donor search ALL over again. And lose well over $1500, since I have 5 units of my fabulous donor in storage.

I don't know anyone else who is in my situation. One friend experienced difficulty in getting pregnant, but she is married and was lucky enough to deliver a wonderful little boy. My sister-in-law, whom I absolutely adore, can get pregnant when my brother sneezes in her direction. So I am turning to the web....sharing my thoughts and feelings. Hopefully it will help me to express some of my feelings.

But I have NEVER done this before - I finally broke down and created a myspace page, but only because I was totally pressured. It is completely barren (he he, kind of like me) with no frills. I hope to play with this to see if I can jazz it up. We shall see.