Unexpected

I went in for my pre-op appointment Wednesday morning.  I met with the dr, asked some questions and then they were going to draw blood.  One of my questions was about my boobs.  They have been getting more swollen and sore as the days went on.  The dr said it was due to all the estrogen in the super-duper heavy-duty birth control pills I was on. Fine, whatever.  Other than the pain, I liked filling out my A cup.  She then gave me some surprising advice: I needed to gain weight. Evidently, being thinner interferes with the follicle stimulation and I wouldn't need to take so many drugs if I was a bit heavier.  I told her that I already felt fat - I gained about 8 lbs in this process, didn't diet and did not exercise.  She just stared at me and said I needed to eat more.

She also said that she was surprised I didn't get pregnant because I "had the perfect cycle".  She said everything had looked great and we wanted to repeat that and get a pregnancy.  Blah blah blah we talked for a bit, went over a few more things and then I got my blood drawn and left.

About an hour later I get a phone call.  It is my dr on the phone - which has never happened.  She said something unimaginable: your blood test came back positive for a pregnancy.  Holy shit! My first reaction was this: since the negative test, I have not done one positive thing for my body...no vitamins, pepsi daily, tons of gluten,  BIRTH CONTROL PILLS, just crap.  I said as much and the dr said the hormone level was too low for a viable pregnancy.  She wasn't sure if I had a miscarriage or if I had a tubal pregnancy. I was to go in the office the next morning for an ultrasound to see what was going on.  Then she went on to say that this was the reason my boobs were so swollen and "good catch".  Seriously?  This woman just informed me I was pregnant, they missed it but good job noticing the changes in my boobs? Really?  I understand this was most likely a horrible call for her to make and points for her doing it herself, but come on.  The last thing I want to hear is "good catch".

I was in a state of shock.  I was bawling - this makes 3 babies I have lost.  The horrible thing is, I am not as traumatized as I thought I would be.  It makes a huge difference losing someone you didn't know you had.  I don't know if this is good or bad.  Am I an unfeeling monster?  Am I just burying my feelings?  I truly do not know.

This is just such a freaking shock!  I had to deal with the fact that I was pregnant without knowing and that I could possibly have a tubal pregnancy.  The nurse called me back a bit later and said that I still need to prepare for surgery.  If I did have a tubal pregnancy, the dr would deal with it and remove the cysts all at once.  I asked if it is a tubal, what are the consequences.  The nurse said the dr would slice the tube, remove the tissue and go on.  She said sometimes the tube is damaged and not reparable, but Dr D was the one dr I would want to have as she would fight like crazy to avoid that.

Oh my god.  So I could possibly lose a tube, which would cut down on the possibility of getting pregnant even more.  Can I have any worse luck?

Evidently not. I go in for my scan the next day and they can't find any hint of a tubal pregnancy and I just have some lining left in my uterus.  The dr is in there for the scan and she was holding my hand.  It was very nice of her, actually.  She said to take the positives from this: my eggs were good, the sperm was good and I did get pregnant. Ummmm, duh.  It is not really getting pregnant that I have the problem with. I had gotten pregnant twice before; it is keeping the pregnancy I seem to have issues with.  

I end up not having the surgery.  The dr said since I got pregnant, the cyst must not be that big of a deal (or something like that - it really is a blur).   They did another blood test and my hormone level dropped, which is what they wanted.  I am cramping more, which I suppose is good.  I would rather avoid another d&c.  I go back on Thursday for another blood test.

Seriously, my life is a soap opera.  Who would believe this shit really happens?  I mean, I had a fucking ultrasound days after the negative pregnancy test.  Shouldn't they have seen something?  Obviously, there was nothing that could have been done to save the pregnancy (baby?), but really, how did they miss it?  Truth be told, I think I am glad they did. If I had 2 weeks of knowing I was pregnant only to lose the baby, I really don't know how I would have handled it.  

The scariest thing for me in this whole process is the thought of another miscarriage.  I was absolutely devastated when I lost Junior (my 2nd baby...we needed a nickname and I was just hormonal enough to let the ex come up with it).  It was the worst experience of my life and it took me a long, long time to recover.  I am still dealing with it in many ways.  I really don't know how I will handle a situation like that again. I was in my 11th week of pregnancy and went in for a normal ultrasound.  I had some spotting in earlier weeks, but previous ultrasounds showed everything was ok. I had seen her heartbeat - she was as real to me as she could possibly be.  During this regular appointment, the tech was using the ultrasound and stopped.  I didn't think anything of it.  My beloved Dr. Hottie came in and started looking around.  I can vividly recall everything and it haunts me still. I was scanning that screen looking for the heartbeat and all I see are just little clumps.  The dr changes to a different sort of scan and still nothing but little clumps...no heartbeat anywhere.  Those 10 minutes are seared into my brain.  The happiest time in my life ended with absolutely no warning.  I had hopes and dreams for that baby.  I had pictured her little hands and feet, wondered if she would be funny, athletic or smart.  I even had clothes for her.  I depended heavily on drugs for quite some time afterwards.  How will I handle it if that happens again? (You may be wondering why I am referring to the baby as "she".  I had a d&c done and the tissue tested to see if they could determine the cause.  They could not, but they did find out the baby was a girl.)

Jesus, I feel so guilty.  I did lose another baby but how horrible am I that, while I feel upset and guilty, I also don't feel devastated. Is that normal?  What a shitty roller coaster.  I am just so fucking confused and tired.  

Update

I will go in tomorrow morning for my pre-op appointment.  I am hoping they say the cysts have disappeared thanks to the super-duper, heavy duty birth control pills.  Of course, I don't expect that to happen, but a girl can dream.

This surgery thing is for the birds. I can't eat after midnight and don't go to the hospital until 11:30.  Ummm, hello.  I must have my oj in the a.m. or am a major crab-apple.  Those poor nurses...dealing with a hungry, thirsty bitchy woman.  Not a pleasant experience. And I won't be able to wear any makeup or do my hair.  Now, I am not a frou-frou girl who needs a lot of makeup and spends hours getting her hair ready.  But I am a 37 year old woman who honestly does look better with makeup than without. And my hair is in this in-between length that can't be put in a ponytail.  I decided to be crazy last spring and cut off about 9 inches to a short little Mia Farrow type cut....which I enjoyed for about a month then felt a little too masculine.  It is almost at a chin length bob now (thank goodness).

Oh well.  I need to have someone with me for 24 hours after surgery, so I am going to go home with Mom and stay at my parents' house.  Mom will be working the next day, so my dad is going to watch me on Friday. Which is very interesting, as my dad will most likely sit in his chair and ask me what I am going to make him for lunch. :)  Love my dad, but he is not so much a nurturer.  He would much rather be taken care of than do the taking care of. :)

Have I mentioned what exactly is going to happen for this surgery?  It is done laproscopically (spelling???) where they make small incisions along my abdomen and fill up my chest cavity with air (why, you ask?  I have absolutely no idea).  Anyway, it is all done via small incisions in my stomach.  I guess the worst parts are dealing with the side-effects of the anesthesia and the air stuff.  Evidently my shoulders will be very sore because the air settles there...which makes no sense to me.  

Whatever, I have already told my family not to fight over my stuff if I should die. :)

Cyst-astic

The good news just keeps coming.  I went for my ultrasound and found out that not only is my friendly cyst still around, it now has a boyfriend.  I get to take the strongest dosage birth control pills and have a procedure to remove the cysts.  The procedure must be pretty uncomfortable because I will be under anesthesia. But the good news is that the ultrasound today should be covered by insurance since I had the cysts and the procedure should be covered as well - plus the next ultrasound since that will be checking to see if the cysts are gone.

And this is a bonus, I should get some pretty good drugs to bring home afterwards. :)  Ah well.  Maybe the procedure will loosen some things up and I will get pregnant next month. 

So, I had a mix of bad news, worse news and not so bad news.  But it could be worse, somehow. I have looked back over this blog and man, it is a downer!  I need some good news so I don't send you readers (all 2 of you, maybe?) into depression.

Maybe I need to start some self-affirmation crap - you know, end each post on some positive note.  So far, all positive notes seem to be the pictures of hot guys....which seems a bit sad now that I look at it.  Ok, not "seems" sad, just "is" sad.  Hmmm.   

Negative

My first procedure didn't work.  I must admit that I felt pretty normal when I woke up on Friday knowing that I would take the pregnancy test.  I didn't feel any sort of excitement at all.  I guess I already knew the answer, so it wasn't much of a shock.  I am having a pity party this weekend - eating all the foods that are bad for me and having a general "screw it" sort of attitude.  One would think that after 4 negatives, I would be past the whole pity party stage - but one would be wrong.

I should have enough experience with disappointment that it feels like an old comfy sweatshirt.  But I still rage at god and the world.  I just found out that a step cousin had a baby and no one even knew she was pregnant.  She had absolutely no prenatal care, didn't tell a soul and still gave birth to a healthy baby girl (or at least as healthy as can be with a smoker mom who didn't change her life one iota).  I just don't understand the karma in that situation.  

I have always tried to live by the golden rule, I am a good daughter/sister/friend.  I didn't even do anything horrible to my ex when I moved out....even though I desperately wanted to put shrimp in the curtain rods or a piece of meat in a niche by the dishwasher that he never would have found.  What is so terrible about me that I can't get pregnant?  What have I done to piss off karma so stinking much?  

Blah blah blah. Poor little me.  I know I should look at the positives - I have an incredible family, great friends, good job and a life that I enjoy.  I am self-sufficient, independent and generally happy.  What can "the plan" possibly have in store for me that I can't have a child?

I need something to cheer me up (good sex could help, but unfortunately, I have no outlets for that one).  I can't shop because Dr. D keeps my credit card smoking.  I could eat but those stinking drugs have already added a couple lbs to my ass, hips and thighs.  So I have rented some weepy movies and will curl up and have a good cry.  

I wanted to go out last night but had to work my part time job.  Tonight my friends tried to get me to go out but today I am crampy, cranky and generally a downer.  Lord love them for trying, but I don't even want to subject my mom to this mood.  Which is stupid, because I am venting to whoever stumbles across this and bringing them down - or making them feel better because they don't have my life. :)

My mom has suggested that I should share my experiences because I can help other women in my situation.  Which sounds good - I have lots of experiences to share, but who would want to hear them?  Why would someone want to hear all I have gone through and still don't have a baby?  I suppose my lesson would be that you can get through anything.  Just put one foot in front of the other and trudge your way through.  Life has to get easier/better soon.

I do wish I could have a crystal ball to see if this is ever going to work.  It would be so much easier to know that this is all going to work out sometime and I will get what I want.  Instead, I am left to depend on hope and faith - not the most sturdy ground for me.

Ok, time to end on a good note.  This is who I want my baby daddy to look like (look to the top) - and I want to get pregnant the old fashion way. :)  Ok, so I have absolutely no idea how to do photo layouts. I wanted the picture at the bottom and not the top. 

Confusion

I have no idea what is going on.  I am taking prometrium "suppositories" until I take my pregnancy test this Friday.  The prometrium gives all the side effects of pregnancy.  Monday I noticed some spotting and decided that I must not be pregnant.  But the spotting only shows up when I insert the prometrium....there is nothing during the day.  Each time I see nothing, I think "I have no idea what is going on".  

To make matters even more confusing, if I am not pregnant, I have enough shots for six days.  The problem is that since I order the meds from overseas, it takes about 5 days to get here.  So if I am not pregnant, I need to time this order very carefully or I will need to skip a month.  Arrgghh.

Sometimes I truly despise this process and wonder why I am doing it.  That is not completely true - I do know why I am doing it.  I just get so frustrated at times.  Why is something so basic, so natural so utterly difficult?   I guess I will just appreciate it all the more when it finally happens. 

Nothing New

Ok - I have absolutely nothing of interest to report on my pregnancy quest.  But I saw a movie today that has totally messed with my head.  Jeffrey Dean Morgan, my dead-too-soon Denny from Gray's Anatomy (damn you Shonda), has competition. 

First, let me explain.  I absolutely adore Jeffrey Dean Morgan.  And when I say "adore", I mean fanatically-boycott-when-Denny-died "adore".  Like I would watch every rerun of any episode he was in as many times as I could.  There was just something so appealing about that character to me.  

Once I saw he was in the movie P.S. I Love You, I knew I had so see it. I am not so much into the weepy, romantic sorts of movies.  But it is Denny - how can I miss this?  So we go, watch the opening scenes and then BAM!  The world as I knew it crashed.  I was in the midst of my first Gerard Butler experience.   Where oh where has this lovely man been hiding?  Yes, he was in 300 and some wolf sort of movie.  But these are not movies I am interested in.  I am now torn.  Can I make room in my fantasies for both Denny/Jeffrey and the super sexy Gerard?  Because Mr. Butler, with his make-me-melt accent, is definitely worthy of the space.  And please don't tell me the accent was fake.  I need my fantasies, people.  Although, Jeffrey Dean Morgan with an Irish lilt was a bit odd.  Not horrible, exactly.  Just different.  Which leads me to my next thought.

Bare bottoms.  Yes, guys and girls, Denny (he will always be Denny to me) shows off a full rear nudity shot.  All the way from that sexily messy hair right down to the achilles tendon.  And it was absolutely fantastic.   He had no tan lines.  Some lucky make-up girl got to somehow make that happen.  It was well worth the price of admission.  Add to that the introduction of Mr. Butler and it was a day well worth repeating...and really, how many times can you say that in all honesty?  

Damn it - I just previewed the post and realize I screwed something up when adding the pictures.  My words strangely start right between the two pictures. Oh well.