She also said that she was surprised I didn't get pregnant because I "had the perfect cycle". She said everything had looked great and we wanted to repeat that and get a pregnancy. Blah blah blah we talked for a bit, went over a few more things and then I got my blood drawn and left.
About an hour later I get a phone call. It is my dr on the phone - which has never happened. She said something unimaginable: your blood test came back positive for a pregnancy. Holy shit! My first reaction was this: since the negative test, I have not done one positive thing for my body...no vitamins, pepsi daily, tons of gluten, BIRTH CONTROL PILLS, just crap. I said as much and the dr said the hormone level was too low for a viable pregnancy. She wasn't sure if I had a miscarriage or if I had a tubal pregnancy. I was to go in the office the next morning for an ultrasound to see what was going on. Then she went on to say that this was the reason my boobs were so swollen and "good catch". Seriously? This woman just informed me I was pregnant, they missed it but good job noticing the changes in my boobs? Really? I understand this was most likely a horrible call for her to make and points for her doing it herself, but come on. The last thing I want to hear is "good catch".
I was in a state of shock. I was bawling - this makes 3 babies I have lost. The horrible thing is, I am not as traumatized as I thought I would be. It makes a huge difference losing someone you didn't know you had. I don't know if this is good or bad. Am I an unfeeling monster? Am I just burying my feelings? I truly do not know.
This is just such a freaking shock! I had to deal with the fact that I was pregnant without knowing and that I could possibly have a tubal pregnancy. The nurse called me back a bit later and said that I still need to prepare for surgery. If I did have a tubal pregnancy, the dr would deal with it and remove the cysts all at once. I asked if it is a tubal, what are the consequences. The nurse said the dr would slice the tube, remove the tissue and go on. She said sometimes the tube is damaged and not reparable, but Dr D was the one dr I would want to have as she would fight like crazy to avoid that.
Oh my god. So I could possibly lose a tube, which would cut down on the possibility of getting pregnant even more. Can I have any worse luck?
Evidently not. I go in for my scan the next day and they can't find any hint of a tubal pregnancy and I just have some lining left in my uterus. The dr is in there for the scan and she was holding my hand. It was very nice of her, actually. She said to take the positives from this: my eggs were good, the sperm was good and I did get pregnant. Ummmm, duh. It is not really getting pregnant that I have the problem with. I had gotten pregnant twice before; it is keeping the pregnancy I seem to have issues with.
I end up not having the surgery. The dr said since I got pregnant, the cyst must not be that big of a deal (or something like that - it really is a blur). They did another blood test and my hormone level dropped, which is what they wanted. I am cramping more, which I suppose is good. I would rather avoid another d&c. I go back on Thursday for another blood test.
Seriously, my life is a soap opera. Who would believe this shit really happens? I mean, I had a fucking ultrasound days after the negative pregnancy test. Shouldn't they have seen something? Obviously, there was nothing that could have been done to save the pregnancy (baby?), but really, how did they miss it? Truth be told, I think I am glad they did. If I had 2 weeks of knowing I was pregnant only to lose the baby, I really don't know how I would have handled it.
The scariest thing for me in this whole process is the thought of another miscarriage. I was absolutely devastated when I lost Junior (my 2nd baby...we needed a nickname and I was just hormonal enough to let the ex come up with it). It was the worst experience of my life and it took me a long, long time to recover. I am still dealing with it in many ways. I really don't know how I will handle a situation like that again. I was in my 11th week of pregnancy and went in for a normal ultrasound. I had some spotting in earlier weeks, but previous ultrasounds showed everything was ok. I had seen her heartbeat - she was as real to me as she could possibly be. During this regular appointment, the tech was using the ultrasound and stopped. I didn't think anything of it. My beloved Dr. Hottie came in and started looking around. I can vividly recall everything and it haunts me still. I was scanning that screen looking for the heartbeat and all I see are just little clumps. The dr changes to a different sort of scan and still nothing but little clumps...no heartbeat anywhere. Those 10 minutes are seared into my brain. The happiest time in my life ended with absolutely no warning. I had hopes and dreams for that baby. I had pictured her little hands and feet, wondered if she would be funny, athletic or smart. I even had clothes for her. I depended heavily on drugs for quite some time afterwards. How will I handle it if that happens again? (You may be wondering why I am referring to the baby as "she". I had a d&c done and the tissue tested to see if they could determine the cause. They could not, but they did find out the baby was a girl.)
Jesus, I feel so guilty. I did lose another baby but how horrible am I that, while I feel upset and guilty, I also don't feel devastated. Is that normal? What a shitty roller coaster. I am just so fucking confused and tired.