Friday, August 29, 2008

Where oh where...

I am on day 2 of no BCP and still no Flow.  Why does my body continue to mess with me?  At 18 I would have been terrified had I gotten pregnant - at 37 I am now terrified I won't!  

I really have nothing to report until my period starts and I go see my DR.  If the flow doesn't show by Saturday night, I need to call the DR at 7:00 Sunday and see what the next step is.  I am praying that it isn't another missed miscarriage.  Because I have been spotting since Monday/Tuesday - nothing heavy, but just enough.  And last night, I had a SHARP pain in my left side.  I immediately thought I had a tubal preg. in my remaining tube.  Wouldn't that just be my luck????

I spent time with Ben & Claire yesterday.  Ben came running up to me, wrapped his arms around my legs and said "I love Amy. Amy is my friend".  I melted into a puddle on the spot.  I mean really, how cute was that??  Most definitely another "blink" moment.  Claire sat in my lap and we watched the Wizards of Waverly Place.  Evidently it is very popular on the Disney Channel (or something).  She is getting so big - I need to cherish these moments with her because I am going to blink and she is a teenager.

Ok - gotta run kids.  I will keep you posted on the soap opera that is my life.

Friday, August 22, 2008


I am getting down to 6 days left of BCP.  6 days or so until I start this hazy, fuzzy, terrifying journey of IVF.  I have a general idea of what is going to go on.  I believe it is going to cost a crap load of $$.  I know I am praying as hard as I can possibly pray that I become pregnant this cycle, carry this baby (or babies) to term and deliver a heathy child (or children).  

But sometimes I think that praying doesn't do me a lick of good. has praying helped with my other 4 losses?  My mom told me this month that she has finally realized that she needs to be specific with her prayers.  She had just been praying for a pregnancy.  Now she prays for me to deliver a healthy baby.

6 days, people.  Holy crap.

But the good news is that my dr's office got some more units of my baby daddy in.  I don't have to go on a hunt for a new daddy.  I guess Gerard Butler is saved from fathering my children.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


Today I was talking on the phone with my nephew Ben, who turns 3 in November. He is all boy - rough and tumble, quick and crazy and just so unbelievably sweet he makes me melt.  If I can have a child half as wonderful as that little boy, I will truly be blessed.  I only live about 15 minutes away from my niece and nephew and see them very regularly.  I also try to talk to them on the phone each week.  You would be amazed at what a 5 minute phone call will do to your spirits.

Anyway, he was telling me that his toy vacuum was loud and I agreed as I heard it rattling in the background.  He then shut it off and told me so.  We chatted for another 15 seconds and he goes "I done now".  I was like "ok, Ben, I will talk to you later. Bye."  His response? "I love you Amy".  Ben has never said those words unsolicited, much less over the phone.  That was a moment I will hold in my heart forever.

He called me later today at work to tell me absolutely nothing.  He saw Grandma with the phone and wanted to call.  Well, the conversation goes pretty quickly when Ben doesn't want to talk, so soon I hear "I done now".  I again said "ok, Ben, I will talk to you later sweetie".  His response? "I love you Amy".

I have no idea why he started saying that to me...just like we have no idea why he suddenly calls his grandma "Donna".  "Hi Donna - I want toast" or "Donna, you go home"...he has done it a few times before, but now it seems pretty consistent.   Who knows.

I regularly check a blog called Audrey Caroline about a woman who is dealing with the death of her child and life with her 3 remaining children and husband. I won't go into detail about the amazing strength and wonderful wit of this woman, but I am in awe.  She had a post where she talks about how one of her daughters said if she had a camera, she would have taken a picture of this wonderful moment in time.  And then she made a comment that they didn't need a camera - they could blink their eyes and commit it to memory.  She would recount all these wonderful moments and...


She would capture them in her head and heart.  Which is just incredible.  How many moments do we get that we truly wish to remember forever?  I was blessed to have 2 in one day.

"I love you Amy"  


Ben & Donna on vacation

Sunday, August 10, 2008

New Plan

So, I had decided to do one more IUI.  I don't like making quick decisions on major life events - I like to mull things over for awhile.  And this is a pretty big decision.  I called the dr and gave them my decision and the nurse said to come in for an ultrasound when my period truly starts.  We also are talking about my donor.  I had bought the last unit in stock with my procedure in July and the nurse couldn't say whether the dr would order anymore before I would need it.  So now I need to figure out a new baby daddy.  Blach.

I go to the dr for an ultrasound and what shows up?  My super friendly cyst in my left ovary.  Which is just fan-freaking-tastic as I can only O out of my left ovary.  And the nurse said it is "huge". So I am to go on BCP for a month then I can have another procedure. I am talking to the dr after this and I asked if I was at a higher risk of tubal now or if my left tube looked good. She said the tube looked great and she wouldn't even consider doing IUI if it didn't.  I was telling her that I was "terrified" of IVF.  She said that IVF is a lot less stress, a lot easier and just "better" than IUI.  She said she would do an IUI, but IVF seemed would be easier.

So I am going to do IVF in September. I know - holy crap, right? So I called the office to tell them I wanted IVF and to see what the plan was.  I figured out how many vials of meds I needed to order and the nurse said the lab was going to order more units of my baby daddy...cuz I really didn't want to try and figure a new one out.  This one makes me happy and I need to stick with what does.  I do need to call the office 3 days before my period just to confirm they have ordered my guy.

I will be doubling up on my meds.  One shot in the am with 2 vials and another shot of 2 vials in the pm.  I have no idea how retrieval works, how the "replacement" works, how many they will use, what the cost of freezing the eggs/embrios is....there are a lot of things I don't know.  But I will figure it out when I need to, I guess.

What else is happening in my life?  Not much.  Going out, working in my yard and trying to maintain my gorgeous tan from vacation.  Oh yeah, and trying to win the lottery.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


I don't know what to do.  I took my pregnancy test this morning and it was negative.  I don't honestly know what I hoped to find on that test. I have been spotting since Friday. At first, I thought it could be implantation bleeding and was a bit excited. Then it kept happening.  If that test did show the extra line, would that have meant I was just going to find out I was pregnant only to miscarry?  Because God knows, I am terrified of that happening again.  Or would it be better to get a negative?  I know this cycle was not ideal - I didn't eat well, my blood work was all over, I had some wine.  I don't know.

So I called the dr's office and let them know it was negative.  The nurse took the info, said she would speak with the dr and call me back with more info.  I got the call back and got some "interesting" news.  The dr would be willing to do one more IUI, but she recommends moving on to IVF.  I was floored. On one hand, I appreciate the fact that she wants to do everything she can to get me pregnant.  On the other hand, holy shit. This is IVF.  The nurse asked if I had any info on IVF and when I said no, she said she would send me some.  I asked if she knew how much it cost. She estimated an additional $5000 to $7000 more than the IUI.  Ho-ly shit.  She said if I wanted to do IUI, I just wait for my period to start and call.  If I want IVF, then I would need to do a month of birth control pills to monitor my cycle.  So, basically, I need to make a decision in 3 days...or how ever long it takes for my period to start.

I can honestly say I have no idea what to do.  I can think of pros and cons for both.

Pro: I know I can at least get pregnant.  I have basically gotten pregnant every other time: 1st cycle, 3rd cycle...this would be my 5th. 
Pro: it only costs $2400.
Con: I only have 1 tube.  And that tube is the one that consistently produces a substantially fewer number of eggs than the other.  I only have 3 or so eggs on that side for the swimmers to hit.
Con: What if I get another tubal pregnancy?  Then I stand the possibility of losing my one remaining tube.  
Con: Timing. I am going on a business trip in September.

Pro: Odds of getting pregnant are higher.
Pro: I eliminate the risk of a tubal pregnancy.
Con: $9500 I don't have.
Con: Possibility of multiples (or is this a pro??????).
Con: I can only do this one time.
Con: I would most likely need to sell my house and move in with my parents to afford this.
Con: Timing. I am going on a business trip in September. I would need to delay this until October.

Why does this have to be so hard?