Lots has happened - good and bad. My youngun and I officially became boyfriend and girlfriend (and he even introduced me as such to his siblings). And then we broke up. It was a lot of fun and while it was very painful to break up, it was bound to happen. I won't get into all the details of it. But I couldn't honestly see myself married to him. He was almost a crutch, in a way. Someone for me to date and have fun with, but I didn't have to worry about long term. Which is bad, cuz I am 38. I can't just be dating someone to date someone. That is just wasting time, right? But the relationship did make me see that I DO want to have someone in my life. I don't want to be alone and I don't have to be.
And maybe, just maybe, I could actually have what I want: a man and a baby. I have been told that I am too negative. That I expect the bad to happen - almost to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Which is horrible - but true? I know I tend to have a more "realistic" outlook. But could my failure to always be hopeful have been my downfall? I don't mean with my miscarriages. There is no amount of hope that could have saved those sweet babies. But is my less-than-sunny outlook affecting other aspects of my life?
I think this is something I really need to work on. But I am just not sure how. I was told to do "affirmations". Which, to my negative mind, seem a little too new-age. But hey. I am turning over a new leaf. Maybe I will. It also made me think of a post I read on a blog. I don't remember the verbiage (or maybe even the exact intent), but it was something about how you can't expect someone else to make you happy. You just need to do whatever you can to make others happy and not worry about how they reciprocate. You almost need to place your family/friends first and go from there. I believe I am a good sister/aunt/daughter. As a friend, I am probably in need of some work. I don't call friends regularly. I don't email. I work with a lot of my good friends. When they leave the company, I see them regularly, but not one on one. I see them in our group. Or if they move, I talk to them sporadically and use Facebook to throw comments their way.
Maybe this is what my New Year's Resolution should be. Not to get back in shape/exercise, find a man or get pregnant - but to be a better person. A more thoughtful, positive, "other-centered" person. I am just working through all this today. I probably need to let it settle and ruminate for a while on it. This is a good place for me to just get stuff out and see how it goes.
Ok - so I think I need to end on positive things or things I am thankful for or something "good".
Got it! You know how I have talked about my youngun's sweet bottom? He had a kick-ass 4-pack to go with it. It wasn't a 6-pack ab, but sweet heaven, those 4 were pretty damn fine...the finest I have seen in at least the last decade. That was a great gift for a 38 year old woman....and one I am most definitely thankful I got to enjoy.