Monday, May 18, 2009


I saw Wicked for the 2nd time.  I really like that show!  Of course, the first time I saw it I was in the 7th row...can you say rockstar?  The 2nd time? Very last row.  And I am not exaggerating.  It was truly the last row.  It is a good thing I saw it up close the first time, because I had a big lady with an even bigger head bobbing and weaving in front of me.  She moved her head every 2 seconds.  There should be a rule that you must sit up straight and not move you head at all.  I mean seriously.  She was terrible.  I tried to kick her chair when she moved too much, but then I felt guilty.

My grandpa is in the hospital.  He has nine lives, I swear.  The doctors have said he is "gravely ill" and will most likely not make it out of the hospital.  But each time he was going down hill, he would pull himself up.  B & T came back Friday for Mom's birthday and we went to the hospital.  We actually got tossed out of Grandpa's ICU room for being too loud.  But Grandpa seemed to enjoy it. And honestly, my family doesn't do "quiet".  We talk loudly, we laugh loudly, we live loudly.  But that is least I think so.

Let's see.  What is going on with the dating.  I went to the zoo with B on Sunday.  It was a really good time.  Very relaxed - there was silence and I wasn't even uncomfortable with it.  Of course, he hasn't called/emailed since, so maybe he didn't have quite as good a time as I did.   Oh well.

We had a girls night on Saturday.  It was a fun time.  I found a guy who was super cute and very interesting.  But he has a girlfriend.  He didn't tell me, of course. He told my friend.  But he was a young 31...tough.  The first guy from Match was there.  I, of course, told him to call me.  And then I thought...oh - I don't really want him to.  I am so stinking indecisive.  Grrrr.

I could possibly meet a new guy this week. Not sure yet.  This whole dating thing?  Blach.  I just want to find someone and settle down.  

Oh! I got a tattoo!  It is on the inside of my left wrist.  I have been wanting one for a couple years to celebrate my babies.  I think I finally figured out the perfect way.  It is part of my mom's signature....a nod to the fact that I am a mom, even if my babies are all in heaven and it is a way to have a piece of Mom with me forever.  I am very pleased.

My youngun.  (sigh). He is unreal.  So he works with this girl - never talked to her besides "hi" or "good brownies". But he said she was perfect - went to a catholic college, wears longer skirts, seems very conservative.  And that is all he knew.  Didn't know if she had a sense of humor, what she liked to do, anything.  He got the bright idea to send her flowers - without a card.  And then he waited over a week to tell her the flowers were from him.  Can you say "super creepy"???  And she told him that she was seeing someone.  Poor man.  I think she has a phantom boyfriend because she was super freaked out by someone sending flowers without a card.  Freaky-deak.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I forgot I had a Claire story from this weekend.  Saturday was her last soccer game. My brother and SIL decided to surprise Claire by coming back early and watching her game.  Claire was beyond thrilled. I couldn't make it, as my good friend's son had a graduation party.

Claire's soccer team is not good.  They tied one game, which was the best all season.  Usually they get creamed.  The good thing about their games is that there is no scoreboard...So, I will repeat the story as told by my brother.  The other team has a girl who comes up to Claire's shoulder.  Tiny little thing that was fast, fast, fast.  She could dribble (or kick, whatever) the ball all the way down the field faster than any of the other girls could run without the ball.  Well, in between quarters, Claire's dad told her he would give her $10 if she pushed the fast girl down. Claire said "make it $20".  Then, for the rest of the game Claire was up in the fast one's grill.  Claire was elbow to elbow, bumping for all she was worth.  Claire never pushed her down, but she was interfering all she could.  The fast girl was getting pretty frustrated. Oh well. 

Claire was pretty thrilled with the game - with B&T watching, her "enforcer" duties, all and all it was a good day for Claire.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Update on Dates

I had a really nice time last week with B (the friend's old roomie).  He is nice, funny and interested. :)  I hope to see him again.

Went to see Wicked on Saturday with some guy.  He was terrible.  By far, he was the most attractive I have met, but the personality was not all that.  He did nothing but talk about himself.  He was so bad, I couldn't even tell you what shoes he wore.  And you know it is a bad date when you don't totally check the guy out.  But Wicked was fabulous.

There was lots of family time this weekend.  Mother's day and all.  

Have a date Wednesday, Thursday.  Saturday afternoon is Wicked and Saturday night is girls night. Lots to look forward to.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

More Dates

I have a date with a slight stranger tomorrow night. Turns out, he is the ex-roomie of a guy I work with.  I even ended up at a Killers concert with him.  I went with T and met up with the guy I work with and his old roomie.  I vaguely remember jumping up & down and singing Mr. Brightsides with the guy.  It should be interesting.

I have another date on Saturday. With a 47 year old. He asked me to go see Wicked.  Evidently, he is new to town and bought two tickets without having a date. He must not have been able to find one, as he asked me to go.  Who knows.

There are 3 more guys I am emailing with. 38, 33 and 30.  Oh and a little cutie from DSM(!!).  He is 5'8"...ummm hello! does not meet my height factor. But oh well.  We shall see.  Ooops, there is another date next week with some 44 year old.  I have been emailing this one for about 4 weeks....which is about 3 weeks longer than I like to email.  I would much rather just meet up and see.  If there is no physical chemistry, then there is really no point in emailing (at least in my mind).  

What else?? Nothing, really.  Things with the youngun seem fine. He left for the east coast this weekend and has been out.  But he has called me almost every day, and after a bad day on Sunday, things seem to be ok.  But I also didn't tell him I am going out Thursday night (or Saturday).  That might be better mentioned in passing in person.  A friend said that one of the guys reminds her of the youngun in appearance....which shocked me as I didn't see it until then.

My cute little Kris is safe on Idol....yay!! 

I have been thinking that I am going into these "dates" with a slightly defeatist attitude.  I truly don't have a whole bunch of hope about them.  Of course, only 1 was physically my type.  The others, while very nice, were not really my speed.  But I am going to change that.  I don't want my hopes too high, lest they be brutally dashed. I mean, come on. How many of these photos are actually recent?  And not that I need a hottie, but I want to be attracted to him/them.  Here is what I will do. I will reserve hope until I see them. If they are not completely unattractive to me, I will keep a positive and open attitude.  My whole "positivity rocks!" attitude has been missing (stupid J ripped that away) but I am going to try and bring it back around.

I did tell my SIL that when I am in DSM for the Coldplay concert, she needs to set something up so I can see J. I want to be toned, tan and fabulous to have him go "damn - why did I let that go??"  :)

Sunday, May 3, 2009

First Kill

I had my first kill of the season.  Snakes suck.  They would top my suck it list (yes, I am still coming up with one).  I believe my house was built on a colony - no THE main colony in North O - of snakes.  I have a shitload. And I hate them.  The way they slither and startle. It just sucks.  I try to kill any I see. There was a zoologist (or someone) on the news and they said snakes are good - they keep bugs or mice or something away.  Baloney.  I don't just "live and let live". I hunt them down when I see them slithering away and kill them with the mower, with a spade, with a shovel, anything.  I then will either wrap them in bags and throw them in the garbage or leave their rotting carcass out so the smell of death will keep his family away.  The whole "scent of death" doesn't work, but I can hope, right?  Ugh.  The very first nightmare I can remember is being in a room full of snakes.  One clear memory I have from when I was really little is being in the field next to our old house, walking through the grass towards the horses and seeing the grass swaying steadily.  Snake - a big one.  I ran screaming.

Snake is a one-word advertisement for townhomes. At least I wouldn't have to mow and find them.  Oh well.  Karma is a bitch, right?

Claire had 2 soccer games this weekend.  She is too cute.  And Ben is a doll. I got some really good pics of them both.

Now on to a new week and a new slew of potential matches.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


I know nothing about soccer except they run around a lot.  The men usually have nice calves.  And they sometimes take their shirts off when they score (oh, I SO want to say something else with that!!)  My niece is playing soccer and pretty much knows as much as I do about the game at this point.  She runs half-heartedly after the ball (after her dad yells "follow the ball Claire!!").  She will look around at people.  Pretty much act like a disinterested 8 year old playing soccer.  The fun part about today: my brother is coaching them.  I think he knows less than the girls about it.  But the regular coach is out of town and asked D to take over.  D told me he hopes the ref is helpful.

New for me?  Went out last weekend and had a good time (did I write this already??)  I had a cute young guy talk to me.  I felt slightly dirty talking to him, but it was fun.  There was another guy who was 26 (it was his birthday and he showed me his id) who was talking to me - but I think to get at my friend.  I didn't feel dirty talking to him - just OLD. But it was fun.  Karma proved she has a sense of humor, as the 1st guy I met from was there. He stood behind us most of the night but neither one of us acknowledged the other.  The stupid thing? He looked WAY better to me that night than the first night we met.  I am so shallow.  But I sent him a text this week and I think we may go out again.

And to prove karma keeps track - I lost $60 that night. It literally fell out of my purse (along with my id).  Ugghh. Oh well.  Listen closely and you will here Justin Timberlake's song "what goes around".

Here is one to make you go hmmmm.  The youngun? You remember him?  Well, we are really good friends. We talked about it and decided that we shouldn't have gone down the romantic path.  I told him that he was pretty much a crutch - if I had him, I didn't need to put myself out there.  And he...well, he didn't really say anything.  But whatever. We hang out a lot, he calls me a lot.  I would say he is one of my best friends now. I tell him all the crap going on and he listens.  He is still a conservative schmuck, but I have fun with him.  Well. Last night I take the movie The Wrestler (good movie) over to his house.  He had met people for drinks after work.  I was supposed to go but was pissed off at the dermatologist who told me I needed botox, filler and a laser resurfacing (more later).  I didn't want to inflict my mood on others, so I didn't go.  

Got to the youngun's house - he was in a very...playful?... was kinda weird as the youngun always acts older than I do.  He makes popcorn and we get set up on the couch.  He sits down next to me and covers us up with the blanket.  I tell you, a credit card could not have fit between our bodies because he was so close.  And I was there first - he was the one who got so cozy.  He then tries to put moves on me.  WHAT??!!??  I am like, no...nothing is happening.  Well, he wants to lay down to watch the movie now.  I am rolling my eyes, telling him to concentrate on the movie, all the while keeping track of where his hands are. It was crazy.  I tell him nothing is going to happen and he honestly asks "why?".  Um, well, let's see.  We are not dating. We are not in a "relationship".  And I don't do "that" unless certain criteria are met.  And none were.  He then tries to almost wheedle his way in.  I tell him "no - we went down that path and it didn't work" then "we are just crutches to each other and can't do this" then "good lord, just stop it!"  

Can you believe it?  I was completely taken off guard.  I love the relationship I have with him....the friend relationship.  I am hoping he was just loopy with alcohol and things are not weird today. 

I will have to tell the dermatologist story another time - I need to leave for the soccer game. :)

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Is being picky a negative?

I have had a few "meets" with the online guys.  I am not interested in any of them.  I know I am closer to 40 than 30. I know I am not a "10" (maybe a solid 7, though ) but sheesh.  Is it wrong for me to need to be physically attracted to the guy?

The first guy was fine. Nothing overtly wrong with him.  The next guy was pasty, puffy and...slightly desperate.  He sent me an email just gushing about me.  I am great, I know this, but talking about my "radiant beauty"??? Really?  One guy was just old looking.  And if the guy has bigger boobs than I do?  Well, that just can't be a plus for my psyche.

Here is the great mystery of online dating.  Why post a picture from 10 years/30 pounds ago?  Like I am not going to notice there is a difference?  Really?  False advertising is illegal in the real world, people (isn't it?).  And when the guy is dumb enough to post a picture with a DATE on it.  No, I don't mean a female date, I mean a calendar date.  When I see a picture from 2005, I know to just keep on moving...cuz if he has to go back 4 years to find a decent picture, well enough said.

And isn't it horrible that I am even focusing on this?  But I can't help it.  If I can't find one thing that would make me want to hold his hand, then why bother?  Who would have thought the youngun and  J would mess me up for other men?  But, let me tell you, if I could just build a physical being based on those guys, I would be one happy happy girl.  I think I am going to go younger.  Obviously, I am not having luck finding guys my age.  I will go back to the cougar route.

I did call my beloved Dr. Hottie though. I left a message with his nurse to tell her that if his friend was still available, then I would be willing to be set up.  And I couldn't just casually say it -- I rambled and stuttered and generally made myself seem pretty damn stupid.  But at least I put it out there.  Oh well.  And odd - but the nurse just called me.  She is going to a party at Dr. Hottie's house tonight and is going to check things out.  Funny.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

This and That

Today is Easter.  Went to church with the fam.  The pastor is very nice, but I think he can get a bit too fire and brimstone-y for me.  Oh well.  My brother and his wife came home yesterday...we hung out and the parents and played Wii then went up to a bar in MV.  We should have just stayed at the P's.  We have so much fun just hanging out.  Even before Ben & Claire came along, we always enjoyed each others company.  We can sit around and just have fun.

I can't even think of one particular thing that happened that was so just was.  It is usually after these times that I realize just how lucky I am.  The pastor, during his sermon, asked what the number one thing in our life was -- what was the foundation, the cornerstone, we built our life around.  Well, he wanted us to say Jesus.  But my immediate response was "family".  My family has shaped/molded/tormented me into the person I am today...good and bad.  And I am so very blessed.  Mom and I were talking later today and I told her that I didn't put Jesus first...I put family.  I was expecting a bit of a disappointed look or maybe just a sigh.  But she turned to me with a gleam in her eye and said "me too".  It was cute.

I feel badly for Mom today.  She has two cats, Max and Leo.  Max (aka Maxwell P Smart) was a rescue from the farm.  A big, beautiful gray tuxedo cat with a sweet, sweet personality....until my Murray came around and then Max was a bad ASS.  He tormented my Murray something fierce.  But I didn't hold it against Max cuz he was just such a chicken any other time.  Poor Max passed away this weekend.  Mom had made a comment last week that Max had lost weight. I asked if she was going to take him to the vet and she wasn't sure.  Yesterday morning, Mom said Max was pretty much incapacitated.  He was just laying by his water dish, breathing fast and shallow.  She was pretty upset...lots of crying.  Last night, at my parents, I went down and sat with Max for a bit.  I was petting him, saying what a good boy he was.  He would lift his head and look at me a bit blindly...his eyes just didn't seem to connect.  It was sooo sad.  He was gone this morning.  Mom called the vet yesterday to get him in and they said no.  Can you believe it? They said they were just too full.  It made me so mad.  This is the only vet in town...I will never take my Murray there. I don't care if Murray has to ride in a car 40 minutes...he will never see this vet.

Oh! I had a "date" Thursday night.  He was fine.  I would go again, but I just don't see much future.  And boring guy (aka carhart guy) found me online.  Seriously.  That makes 4 guys I know that have found me that I didn't WANT to find me.  I think it is a sign.  Stupid J - even after all the drama I still miss him.  Or that fabulous 8% body fat body.  

There are a few guys I am probably going to meet up with.  But not the 58 year old guys.  I mean, really. 58?  If I could guarantee he was Mr. Richie Rich and I would be his pampered trophy wife who wanted for nothing (and I got to have a kid), I would say "sign me up now!!".  But wait -- 58 is a 20 year difference.  Can't I find a Mr. Richie Rich who is only 42?  Because that would be ideal....except for the fact that HIS ideal trophy wife would most likely be in her 20's.  Hmmm.  I think I am going to need to think this through more thoroughly.

Stay tuned.  I have decided to create a "things to do before I am 40" list and a "suck-it" list (things I don't see the point in).  I am sure they will both be fabulous.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


So I decided to jump back into the dating world.  Enlisted all my friends to think about any possible singles for me and joined an online dating service.  Good lord - it was like they all smelled fresh meat.  I have received a fair number of emails this first weekend.  I can't even answer them all because as soon as I get some sent out, new ones come in.  Good problem to have, I guess, but most don't seem too promising.

The main reason they aren't promising?  Age.  These guys are old!  Granted, I am in my late 30's, but still.  I look like I could pass for early 30's, but most of these look like they have lived a hard life!!  I don't care about hair/bald or even physique...a bit of chub doesn't bother me.  But their faces!  Saggy, wrinkly and old!!! Maybe they don't take the best pictures...god knows, I don't.  But couldn't they find some that don't look like mug shots?  And then there are the ones who obviously throw some ANCIENT pictures on there.  Trying to be sneaky?  Trying to show they used to be better looking than what they are??  I don't know, but that is annoying.  

But there was one guy who used secret-agent techniques to send me his photos.  He set up a gmail account, emailed his pictures to that and then emailed me the login and password.  Can you hear the song 'secret agent man, secret agent man' playing??? I could.  He was fine - but he included a picture of himself in front of a hummer.  Really??  And made sure to subtly say he saw "patients"...ok - you're a doctor.  Big whoop.  Oh well - we will play this out and see how it goes.  But these guys are forward! One asked me out for last night and others asked if I wanted to go to the Iowa or Iowa State or Nebraska spring football games. Really.

On to other topics.  Did I tell you Murray needs to have meds each day?  It is a topical solution I need to put in his ears.  And it is bad for humans, because I have a little finger condom I need to put on in order to give it.  It looks like a little Howard the Duck condom, if you recall that very old, very obscure movie.  I think I was a freshman when I saw that. Yikes.

What else?  My beloved Dr. Hottie said he wrestled with setting me up with one of his friends, but he didn't know how ethical it was.  At the time, I was seeing J, so I said no.  Now, I wish I had said yes.  I need to get a mamagram (sp?) sometime in the next year and they gave me literature on it, but I forgot it.  I think that could be my in -- I will call and talk to the nurse who works with Dr. Hottie and let her know I am up for it.  But wouldn't it be kinda weird for the guy?  Having your best friend already intimately acquainted with the girl's "parts"?  Or maybe that is just me....

Off to clean the house and respond to the emails.  I guess, at least I have lots.  How would my self-esteem be if I had none??

Thursday, April 2, 2009


Yikes!  I haven't updated in ages!!  Let's see - parted ways with the guy from NYE.  Long story - with a surprising amount of drama.  How can one normal, low maintenance girl fall into crap like that?  Oh well.  

The good news is that I was able to open myself up to someone and put myself out there.  I haven't done that since my divorce.  I think I am ready to do it again...just with someone who isn't so concerned about their body that they don't leave their house without their bodybug on (a calorie counter...I mean, really.  Why didn't I realize that was an indicator of something???).  Although, guys my age look old.  How did that happen?  

What else is new?  Work is crazy.  Family is great.  Great.

I will try to update a bit more regularly...did I mention I got on twitter? I don't understand it at all.

Saturday, March 7, 2009


Whoever created Pilates is a sadist.  Truly.  I bought an exercise DVD (cardio pilates) and it was hell.  Not so much the exercises....I could get my body contorted into most of them.  The issue is clothing, people.  I had on a pair of sweats, jog bra and t-shirt.  As I am laying on my mat, rolling around (I have no idea what the names of the positions are), my back started hurting.  Not muscles, but the places where my pants and bra hit the floor.  It was like getting a rug burn, without the fun.  My back was SORE in the places the clothing hit.  It hurt to even sleep on my back that night.

Are you supposed to do this stuff naked?  I tried it again with "yoga" pants and it wasn't quite so bad. But still - what about the bra???  Oh well.  I did the video a few times and gave up.  It was $12, so I guess I got my money's worth????

The yoga dvd is nice - have been doing that regularly.  I bought another one that is like a jazzercise class.  I was flailing around, a few beats behind the instructor, but figure some movement is better than none, right?  I was a bit sore the next day, so that felt good.  The dvd says "see results after 10 sessions", so I decided I will double up - 2 a day. Do you think that will work?? Doubtful, but I will give it a go.

Nothing new on the boy front. Went to visit J after his return from Mexico.  It was good.  Didn't see him this weekend, but hope to next.  Sometimes I like the distance...I like my alone time.  But others, it would be nice to be closer.

Had an 86th birthday party for my grandma last weekend.  She has never been one of those huggy, touchy, fun grandmas, but we love her.  She is getting a bit of dementia....she told my dad that when she got home from the grocery store there was a man sitting on her couch watching tv.  She sat and talked to him for a while then got up to make some food. When she came back from the kitchen, he was gone.  Sound realistic?  She said he looked nice so she didn't call the cops.  She doesn't remember any of the conversation but absolutely swears he was real.  After that, she couldn't find her purse.  My parents and niece searched the house fully (freezer, cupboards, basement, etc) and finally found the purse lodged firmly behind a dresser.  The only way the purse could have ended up there was for grandma (or someone) to place it there.  No one is really sure what is going on with her.  She lives alone, since grandpa is in the nursing home and we can't know for sure that she is taking all her meds (some are for early alzheimers) seems like it would be better for her to be in the assisted living facility attached to the nursing home where grandpa is, but she refuses.  And how can you make someone who is fairly independent do that?

Saw the movie The Wrestler last weekend - it was excellent.  But the ending!!??!! My SIL and I are in complete disagreement about it, but it was still a good movie.

Murray is changing.  He needs to be around/on me anytime I am home and sitting.  I can't even type on the computer without him walking across the keyboard or laying on me with his paw on the keyboard.  He didn't used to be so...not needy, but touchy???  He would get affectionate when he wanted, but it wasn't constant.  It scares me to think of him getting older/dying.  I know he is a cat, but he is my earthly baby...I don't know what I will do when I don't have him sticking his nose in my ear and purring - or laying beside me in bed.  I shouldn't complain about the constant touching, should I? 

I go see my beloved Dr. Hottie this week...sigh.  I haven't seen him in a year and can only hope he is still as lovely as before.  I just need to remember to wear light clothing for when they weigh me. :)  That is always a downer.

Speaking of downers, I used to be a fan of The Bachelor Jason M.  But after his proposal/breakup/new girl, I am done.  No more Bachelor for me (although I like Jillian, so maybe the bachelorette).  Jason kept saying "live life with no regrets" blah blah blah. It totally reminded me of my ex.  Puke.  I have plenty of regrets...mainly all those darn delicious twinkies I ate in my 20's....they are still being carried around in my hip/butt/thigh fat.  Ohhh, they were so good going down...if only they had exited my body instead of taking up permanent residence.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Nothing new

The sun is shining outside today...from the inside, it looks gorgeous.  Then  you realize the temps are in the 20's and decide to stay inside.  Darn midwest.  I want spring!!  I am ready for 70's (heck - 60's!) and warmth.  I think I am vitamin D deficient...maybe I should tan.  That would certainly cover some flabby imperfections! :)

I bought some exercise DVD's yesterday. A yoga, pilates and cardio DVD.  They are still in the wrappers, but I have high hopes of getting at least one out and trying it today.  My plan is to do the yoga one in the a.m. and then alternate the other two in the evenings.  I just need to tone a bit.  I am not fat - I am soft.  I am a skinny fat person in that my BMI must be insane and I am out of shape.  J is in fantastic shape - 8% body fat people.  How is that even possible when you are over 30?  He is in Mexico and said he was "getting a lot of attention".  I am hoping he means from my brother and their friends.  :)  But with him sharing a room with my brother, I guess I am not too worried!

I have decided that I do need to get in better shape though - with the warm weather coming...eventually....I will want to be comfortable in shorts.  And there is a wedding at the end of March that I want to wear a sleeveless dress to, so I need to get the bi's and tri's firmed up.  I don't want to have the saggy arm wave thing going on.  And I hope to go to a pool this summer, so want to feel good doing that.

Probably one of the big reasons is that I go to see my beloved Dr. Hottie in a few weeks.  I talked about him a lot last year - I haven't seen him for a while, so am very much looking forward to it.  Of course, his view won't be so nice, but I am hoping my view will still be fantastic. (sigh)

One of my friends posted pictures to show the changes in his body.  That won't be happening with me.  Ughh.  No thank you.  I need to get a calendar to mark down when I exercise - that could be a good motivator.  Hmmm. Mental note: get calendar.

My friend T and I had a bet on the NU/ISU game.  He lost, so had to wear ISU gear in public, with photographic evidence.  He paid the bet yesterday and it was a good time.  I will post a picture of it (and try to get it in a good spot....).  

Me and T - him proudly wearing the Cardinal & Gold...or is it scarlet & yellow now?

Friday, February 13, 2009


I miss my babies. Today is a bad day.  I blog surf and one of the sites I found was talking about a recent miscarriage.  And it just hit me, again, how much I will never know.  I will never know their smiles, their personalities, their hair or eye color. I will never know the pure joy of a sweet little voice calling me mommy.  I will never get to cuddle them when they are crying or be frustrated when they won't sleep.  I will never feel their little arms giving me a hug.

Oh God, I miss my babies.  I believe they are all in heaven.  On the blog, the woman said she was mad that the angels got to see her baby first.  And I completely understand.  I am still mad - and sad and broken.  Sometimes, it is ok.  Sometimes, I can get through weeks without crying.  

Today is not a good day.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

New stuff

Honestly, there really isn't anything "new" to report.  I went to visit J last weekend - had a great time.  He came here this weekend - had another great time.  Sometimes I think I am too bossy or too uptight though.  It is hard having someone come for a weekend and not want to plan options.

When I went there last weekend, it didn't bother me at all that we had absolutely nothing planned.  I really didn't care. But for some reason, when he comes here, I have a very difficult time just going with the flow.  I don't know why I do it, but it drives him nuts. Nuts to the point where he says "stop it".  And sometimes I say things that in my mind have no meaning, but he will take in a way that I didn't mean.  In the grocery store,  I was leaving him in my dust.  So as I am slowing down, I say "I am a fast walker sometimes".  Which I totally didn't mean to imply that he needed to pick up the pace, but he took it as such...and then I spent the next 5 minutes obsessing over it and apologizing...which makes it worse??  I just need to think before I say things.  

Sometimes I just blurt out anything that comes to my mind. It doesn't add to the conversation, it doesn't do anything.  We were walking along a bike path Saturday and I said "I wonder how birds pick the trees they build their nests in".  Completely inane and stupid.  But I have no filter sometimes.  (look, I ended the para with the same word I started it...great grammar!!)

I can't decide if I need to work on my filter or if that is just something he needs to get used to.   The whole new thing/getting to know each other sucks. I want a comfy slipper.  I think he feels pretty comfortable - he says he does.  Ugghh. Uncertainty sucks.  But I guess you can have uncertainty if you are married...hence divorce.

My brother told me he has no problem with me dating J, but that I annoy him with certain things.  I can see his point - I don't know how comfortable I would be with my worlds intersecting like that.   But he told me on Friday about 45 minutes before J got here and completely had me paranoid.  How do I cut out part of my life when talking to J?  He doesn't - he tells me stories about what they all do.  And doesn't seem to have any issues at all.  I have decided that whatever my brother tells me, I will not tell J about. And I mean ANYTHING.  Which will be weird, but I don't know where the line is between what is "ok" and what "isn't".  Some, who have a better moral compass than I, might know.  But I don't.  I am a talker, so I guess it is best to just avoid the whole thing.  So now I don't feel comfortable telling my brother about the weekend.  When he asked today, I just said "good".  I guess if J wants to share, then he can.  But that is another thing. J won at a poker party my friend had Saturday night.  I didn't tell that to my brother because I didn't know if J would want to.  

Yuck.  Stress stress stress.  But I really like J, so I am putting up with it.  I don't know if the fact that I really like J makes it worse (I am assuming that would be a "hell yeah").  Whatever it is, I need to get over it.  It would be easier if we were in the same city...then I have days of no face to face where I obsess over every little thing.  "he didn't email me right away in the he tired of me?"  "he didn't email me to say he was he tired of me?"  Can you say SLIGHTLY INSECURE??  Yuck. (again...end with the same word I started!!)

But other than me obsessing, things are good. :)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

3 Years

Wow - I can't believe it has been 3 years since I lost Junior. Sometimes (a lot of time) I imagine what life would be like if she were here - if I had been lucky enough to deliver that sweet baby girl.  What would she be like?  What would she be doing?  

I miss my baby (and babies).  I wish they were here.  But I will always be thankful I had them for as long as I did.   They are all in heaven, watching over me with their uncle Dean.  

What a different place my life is in now - but it is a good place (today).  

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Good Times

So, I had a fan-freaking-tastic weekend.  My guy drove over Friday night and left this morning.  It went surprisingly well.  He saw me in my natural makeup, no shower and stinky.  And it was ok.  I was very comfortable.  And had a great time.  Thursday I had the brilliant idea that if he was driving over Saturday morning, why not make it Friday?  He was already going to see me with bedhead, what is one more day? And it turned out to be a very nice idea.  We literally spent the entire weekend together.  And I wasn't sick of him.  Granted, I don't know if he was sick of me, but he seemed fine with it.

Went to a basketball game on Saturday.  The seats were pretty average, but the company was pretty excellent.  The crazy, and I mean CRAZY, thing is that as we were leaving, we walked directly behind my ex.  And when I say directly, I mean I could have picked his pocket we were so close.  It was wild - hadn't seen him (other than in a car) for over a year.  It was odd.  I even told J that the guy right in front of us was my ex-husband.  He said "really???!!!??" and then we went right back to talking about something else.  

Now I am in the whole tizzy part of dating....does he like me?  Does he really mean it when he says he likes me?  Does the sight of my make up free face repel him?  When can I see him again?  Did the fact that he totally gave me whisker-burn and made my lips/chin super red make me less attractive? Arrgghh.  So much uncertainty.  One of my married friends was totally jealous of the whole butterflies/new/giggly feeling -- but I am more of a fan of the whole stable, secure relationship where you know where you stand....where you can fart and know that it is ok and don't need to go to another room to do so.  I like the old comfy slipper (as long as there is some excitement/romance thrown in).  The slipper is safe...I know the slipper fits me perfectly and have no need to look for anything flashier.  I honestly like this guy.  And my hips are WAY bigger than his...I have always said that I can't date a man if my hips are bigger than his.  If my jeans were to fall off of him, that would NOT be ok.  But they totally would (well, maybe not, but he has a lot less fat that I do - that is fo' sho).  And I am ok with this.  I will be monitoring my diet and exercising more though. :)

Not like my youngun.  He was (is) my friend and it was a crutch.  I knew there was no long term with him (blach).  But I wonder about J.  From what I have seen, my feelings are that I could date him long term.  The whole different city thing is an issue.  But I suppose I will cross that bridge if it ever comes up.

And the site of him walking from my bedroom into the bathroom is one where I did a little "click" and took a mental picture.  (sigh)

Did I mention I had a really great weekend?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


Wow - the scenes from DC were incredible.  What a rush it would have been to experience this history in person.  I would even have put up with my hatred of crowds.  But what was up with Aretha's hat?  Was it supposed to be plugged in and light up??

Yay to us for electing President Obama.  Hopefully, we are realistic enough to know he cannot fix everything magically.  This process will take time.

Maybe I will even become motivated enough to start the service to others stuff.  Maybe.  As long as it doesn't interfere with my life.  Maybe.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Positivity Rocks!

So, I am in "like".  WHAT??? you say?  Yes, people, I like a guy.  It is the NYE (New Years Eve for you slow pokes) guy.  I went back to DSM last weekend and went out with him.  We went to a hockey game Friday night with the same group as New Years and Saturday we had our first "date"...dinner and a movie.  ***Gran Torino is fantastic!!***

It was a load of fun.  The group night was a very good time (our first kiss too! And it was yummy) and the date night was great.  As you may or may not know, I can be slightly cheap.  Shocking, I know.  But I usually take in my own drinks and snacks to a movie.  Not popcorn, because I don't think that can be reproduced.   But I will take in water/pepsi and my beloved peanut butter M&M's.  Well, for a first date I thought that would be slightly I didn't bring anything. After dinner, on our way to the movie, he says "I have a surprise for you" and pulls out a bag with pepsi, water AND PEANUT BUTTER M&M'S!!!!!  He said that, surprisingly enough, PB M&M's are not everywhere.  He had to go to several places to find them.  It was so stinking sweet.  It was a great night.

We have emailed multiple times daily and had some marathon phone conversations.  I talked to him for an hour and a half yesterday.  An hour and a half people...I usually can't talk that long.  But I had to pee, so I stopped the conversation.  There are some people I can pee on the phone with...Karen, Bry, Mom...but that is about it.  He is coming here this weekend.  I am not sure how the whole thing is going to work. I mean, I have plans for Saturday and know what we are going to do.  But it is Saturday night I am unsure about.  Do I let him stay here?  And then do I let him stay on the couch?  It is too soon to "sleep" with him, so would that make it awkward?  Plus, I am wanting to take it slow since he is my brother's friend.  The biggest problem is "the morning after".  I can make myself look pretty decent, with time, shower and makeup.  But he could potentially see me in my natural state. And that is always pretty. My hair is crazy, no makeup, morning breath.  Ugghhh.  I am torn.  But sooo looking forward to it.  Except for the fact that I have a pimple AND a cold sore.  Why God?  Wwwhhhyyy? (shrug) Oh well. I bet it will be almost clear by Saturday (with lots of bag balm and meds).

I am listening to Bon Jovi.  Lord, I love him.  I hope he comes back in concert soon...the two times I have seen him (in this decade) have been 2 of the best times.  Jon is still smoking hot...Richie not so much, he looks rough.

Ok - need to run. Am going to lunch for my niece's birthday. She is 8...EIGHT!!!  

Sunday, January 11, 2009

New Year

I can honestly say I had the best New Year's Eve in a decade.  I went to visit my brother and SIL and went out with their friends.  I have known all but one for years and they are a great group of people.  My brother is very lucky to have them.  Well, the one I didn't know is a very cool guy. I have heard about him but never met.  We hit it off.  There is no way to adequately explain why the night was so fun, so I won't even try.  Suffice it to say, we went to dinner then to this old people-ish bar and danced up a storm.  I saw old ladies in glittery dresses, a Kenny Rogers post-surgery look-alike, cougars and the younger men that love them.  A good time was had by all.

I went back to my brother's house this weekend (he lives about 1.5 hours away) and went out with the guy on an official date.  It was a good time and I will be seeing him again.  He is nice, funny and just fun.  I have only been out with him a total of 3 times, but he is the kind of guy I want to date.  Him being in a different city is not ideal, especially when driving in wintery, midwest weather is involved.  But I look forward to seeing him again and I believe he feels the same way.  We shall see.

There was a "focus group" with the hospital that I had the tube removal at last week for perinatal loss.  I was the only one with a first trimester loss - each of the other 8 couples had late term losses. It was heartbreaking to hear their stories and relive my experience.  Seeing my mom cry was so hard.  She has been such a rock for me.  I am blessed to have her.

There is just so much that can go wrong with pregnancy.  You don't realize it when you are younger - the world is your oyster and everything will work out.  But the reality is that it doesn't always.  The hospital wanted to know what they did that was good, what wasn't and what we would have liked to have had happen (other than NOT losing our children).  If they implement some of the items brought up, I think it would be wonderful.  

Pregnancy loss seems to not be recognized as a traumatic event and that is horrible.  People understand your grief when you lose a child after birth, but they seem to brush it off when you lose the baby before birth.  And we have just the same feelings for our children whether they make it to term or not. We still love that child, have hopes and dreams for them.  We just don't have memories or tangible proof they were here.    And that almost makes it harder.  We wonder.  We wonder about the sex, who they would have looked like, if they would have been funny, smart or awkward.  We will never know and that sucks.  But that is life and we just have to put one foot in front of the other and go on.

That pretty much sums up my last two weeks.  I had some really good times and some painful ones.  I am trying to keep a positive outlook and so far, it seems to have brought good things.