When I went there last weekend, it didn't bother me at all that we had absolutely nothing planned. I really didn't care. But for some reason, when he comes here, I have a very difficult time just going with the flow. I don't know why I do it, but it drives him nuts. Nuts to the point where he says "stop it". And sometimes I say things that in my mind have no meaning, but he will take in a way that I didn't mean. In the grocery store, I was leaving him in my dust. So as I am slowing down, I say "I am a fast walker sometimes". Which I totally didn't mean to imply that he needed to pick up the pace, but he took it as such...and then I spent the next 5 minutes obsessing over it and apologizing...which makes it worse?? I just need to think before I say things.
Sometimes I just blurt out anything that comes to my mind. It doesn't add to the conversation, it doesn't do anything. We were walking along a bike path Saturday and I said "I wonder how birds pick the trees they build their nests in". Completely inane and stupid. But I have no filter sometimes. (look, I ended the para with the same word I started it...great grammar!!)
I can't decide if I need to work on my filter or if that is just something he needs to get used to. The whole new thing/getting to know each other sucks. I want a comfy slipper. I think he feels pretty comfortable - he says he does. Ugghh. Uncertainty sucks. But I guess you can have uncertainty if you are married...hence divorce.
My brother told me he has no problem with me dating J, but that I annoy him with certain things. I can see his point - I don't know how comfortable I would be with my worlds intersecting like that. But he told me on Friday about 45 minutes before J got here and completely had me paranoid. How do I cut out part of my life when talking to J? He doesn't - he tells me stories about what they all do. And doesn't seem to have any issues at all. I have decided that whatever my brother tells me, I will not tell J about. And I mean ANYTHING. Which will be weird, but I don't know where the line is between what is "ok" and what "isn't". Some, who have a better moral compass than I, might know. But I don't. I am a talker, so I guess it is best to just avoid the whole thing. So now I don't feel comfortable telling my brother about the weekend. When he asked today, I just said "good". I guess if J wants to share, then he can. But that is another thing. J won at a poker party my friend had Saturday night. I didn't tell that to my brother because I didn't know if J would want to.
Yuck. Stress stress stress. But I really like J, so I am putting up with it. I don't know if the fact that I really like J makes it worse (I am assuming that would be a "hell yeah"). Whatever it is, I need to get over it. It would be easier if we were in the same city...then I have days of no face to face where I obsess over every little thing. "he didn't email me right away in the morning...is he tired of me?" "he didn't email me to say he was leaving...is he tired of me?" Can you say SLIGHTLY INSECURE?? Yuck. (again...end with the same word I started!!)
But other than me obsessing, things are good. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment