3 Years

Wow - I can't believe it has been 3 years since I lost Junior. Sometimes (a lot of time) I imagine what life would be like if she were here - if I had been lucky enough to deliver that sweet baby girl.  What would she be like?  What would she be doing?  

I miss my baby (and babies).  I wish they were here.  But I will always be thankful I had them for as long as I did.   They are all in heaven, watching over me with their uncle Dean.  

What a different place my life is in now - but it is a good place (today).  

Good Times

So, I had a fan-freaking-tastic weekend.  My guy drove over Friday night and left this morning.  It went surprisingly well.  He saw me in my natural state...no makeup, no shower and stinky.  And it was ok.  I was very comfortable.  And had a great time.  Thursday I had the brilliant idea that if he was driving over Saturday morning, why not make it Friday?  He was already going to see me with bedhead, what is one more day? And it turned out to be a very nice idea.  We literally spent the entire weekend together.  And I wasn't sick of him.  Granted, I don't know if he was sick of me, but he seemed fine with it.

Went to a basketball game on Saturday.  The seats were pretty average, but the company was pretty excellent.  The crazy, and I mean CRAZY, thing is that as we were leaving, we walked directly behind my ex.  And when I say directly, I mean I could have picked his pocket we were so close.  It was wild - hadn't seen him (other than in a car) for over a year.  It was odd.  I even told J that the guy right in front of us was my ex-husband.  He said "really???!!!??" and then we went right back to talking about something else.  

Now I am in the whole tizzy part of dating....does he like me?  Does he really mean it when he says he likes me?  Does the sight of my make up free face repel him?  When can I see him again?  Did the fact that he totally gave me whisker-burn and made my lips/chin super red make me less attractive? Arrgghh.  So much uncertainty.  One of my married friends was totally jealous of the whole butterflies/new/giggly feeling -- but I am more of a fan of the whole stable, secure relationship where you know where you stand....where you can fart and know that it is ok and don't need to go to another room to do so.  I like the old comfy slipper (as long as there is some excitement/romance thrown in).  The slipper is safe...I know the slipper fits me perfectly and have no need to look for anything flashier.  I honestly like this guy.  And my hips are WAY bigger than his...I have always said that I can't date a man if my hips are bigger than his.  If my jeans were to fall off of him, that would NOT be ok.  But they totally would (well, maybe not, but he has a lot less fat that I do - that is fo' sho).  And I am ok with this.  I will be monitoring my diet and exercising more though. :)

Not like my youngun.  He was (is) my friend and it was a crutch.  I knew there was no long term with him (blach).  But I wonder about J.  From what I have seen, my feelings are that I could date him long term.  The whole different city thing is an issue.  But I suppose I will cross that bridge if it ever comes up.

And the site of him walking from my bedroom into the bathroom is one where I did a little "click" and took a mental picture.  (sigh)

Did I mention I had a really great weekend?

Congratulations

Wow - the scenes from DC were incredible.  What a rush it would have been to experience this history in person.  I would even have put up with my hatred of crowds.  But what was up with Aretha's hat?  Was it supposed to be plugged in and light up??

Yay to us for electing President Obama.  Hopefully, we are realistic enough to know he cannot fix everything magically.  This process will take time.

Maybe I will even become motivated enough to start the service to others stuff.  Maybe.  As long as it doesn't interfere with my life.  Maybe.

Positivity Rocks!

So, I am in "like".  WHAT??? you say?  Yes, people, I like a guy.  It is the NYE (New Years Eve for you slow pokes) guy.  I went back to DSM last weekend and went out with him.  We went to a hockey game Friday night with the same group as New Years and Saturday we had our first "date"...dinner and a movie.  ***Gran Torino is fantastic!!***

It was a load of fun.  The group night was a very good time (our first kiss too! And it was yummy) and the date night was great.  As you may or may not know, I can be slightly cheap.  Shocking, I know.  But I usually take in my own drinks and snacks to a movie.  Not popcorn, because I don't think that can be reproduced.   But I will take in water/pepsi and my beloved peanut butter M&M's.  Well, for a first date I thought that would be slightly tacky...so I didn't bring anything. After dinner, on our way to the movie, he says "I have a surprise for you" and pulls out a bag with pepsi, water AND PEANUT BUTTER M&M'S!!!!!  He said that, surprisingly enough, PB M&M's are not everywhere.  He had to go to several places to find them.  It was so stinking sweet.  It was a great night.

We have emailed multiple times daily and had some marathon phone conversations.  I talked to him for an hour and a half yesterday.  An hour and a half people...I usually can't talk that long.  But I had to pee, so I stopped the conversation.  There are some people I can pee on the phone with...Karen, Bry, Mom...but that is about it.  He is coming here this weekend.  I am not sure how the whole thing is going to work. I mean, I have plans for Saturday and know what we are going to do.  But it is Saturday night I am unsure about.  Do I let him stay here?  And then do I let him stay on the couch?  It is too soon to "sleep" with him, so would that make it awkward?  Plus, I am wanting to take it slow since he is my brother's friend.  The biggest problem is "the morning after".  I can make myself look pretty decent, with time, shower and makeup.  But he could potentially see me in my natural state. And that is always pretty. My hair is crazy, no makeup, morning breath.  Ugghhh.  I am torn.  But sooo looking forward to it.  Except for the fact that I have a pimple AND a cold sore.  Why God?  Wwwhhhyyy? (shrug) Oh well. I bet it will be almost clear by Saturday (with lots of bag balm and meds).

I am listening to Bon Jovi.  Lord, I love him.  I hope he comes back in concert soon...the two times I have seen him (in this decade) have been 2 of the best times.  Jon is still smoking hot...Richie not so much, he looks rough.

Ok - need to run. Am going to lunch for my niece's birthday. She is 8...EIGHT!!!  

New Year

I can honestly say I had the best New Year's Eve in a decade.  I went to visit my brother and SIL and went out with their friends.  I have known all but one for years and they are a great group of people.  My brother is very lucky to have them.  Well, the one I didn't know is a very cool guy. I have heard about him but never met.  We hit it off.  There is no way to adequately explain why the night was so fun, so I won't even try.  Suffice it to say, we went to dinner then to this old people-ish bar and danced up a storm.  I saw old ladies in glittery dresses, a Kenny Rogers post-surgery look-alike, cougars and the younger men that love them.  A good time was had by all.

I went back to my brother's house this weekend (he lives about 1.5 hours away) and went out with the guy on an official date.  It was a good time and I will be seeing him again.  He is nice, funny and just fun.  I have only been out with him a total of 3 times, but he is the kind of guy I want to date.  Him being in a different city is not ideal, especially when driving in wintery, midwest weather is involved.  But I look forward to seeing him again and I believe he feels the same way.  We shall see.

There was a "focus group" with the hospital that I had the tube removal at last week for perinatal loss.  I was the only one with a first trimester loss - each of the other 8 couples had late term losses. It was heartbreaking to hear their stories and relive my experience.  Seeing my mom cry was so hard.  She has been such a rock for me.  I am blessed to have her.

There is just so much that can go wrong with pregnancy.  You don't realize it when you are younger - the world is your oyster and everything will work out.  But the reality is that it doesn't always.  The hospital wanted to know what they did that was good, what wasn't and what we would have liked to have had happen (other than NOT losing our children).  If they implement some of the items brought up, I think it would be wonderful.  

Pregnancy loss seems to not be recognized as a traumatic event and that is horrible.  People understand your grief when you lose a child after birth, but they seem to brush it off when you lose the baby before birth.  And we have just the same feelings for our children whether they make it to term or not. We still love that child, have hopes and dreams for them.  We just don't have memories or tangible proof they were here.    And that almost makes it harder.  We wonder.  We wonder about the sex, who they would have looked like, if they would have been funny, smart or awkward.  We will never know and that sucks.  But that is life and we just have to put one foot in front of the other and go on.

That pretty much sums up my last two weeks.  I had some really good times and some painful ones.  I am trying to keep a positive outlook and so far, it seems to have brought good things.

Long time no talk...

Wow.  I have been a very bad blogger.  It has been since November 4th since I posted.  ****Nov 4 is the b/day for 2 of my ex-boyfriends AND their moms....how weird is that???***

Lots has happened - good and bad.  My youngun and I officially became boyfriend and girlfriend (and he even introduced me as such to his siblings).  And then we broke up. It was a lot of fun and while it was very painful to break up, it was bound to happen.  I won't get into all the details of it.  But I couldn't honestly see myself married to him.  He was almost a crutch, in a way.  Someone for me to date and have fun with, but I didn't have to worry about long term.  Which is bad, cuz I am 38.  I can't just be dating someone to date someone.  That is just wasting time, right?  But the relationship did make me see that I DO want to have someone in my life.  I don't want to be alone and I don't have to be.  

And maybe, just maybe, I could actually have what I want: a man and a baby.  I have been told that I am too negative.  That I expect the bad to happen - almost to a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Which is horrible - but true?  I know I tend to have a more "realistic" outlook.  But could my failure to always be hopeful have been my downfall?  I don't mean with my miscarriages. There is no amount of hope that could have saved those sweet babies.  But is my less-than-sunny outlook affecting other aspects of my life?

I think this is something I really need to work on.  But I am just not sure how.  I was told to do "affirmations".  Which, to my negative mind, seem a little too new-age.  But hey.  I am turning over a new leaf.  Maybe I will.  It also made me think of a post I read on a blog.  I don't remember the verbiage (or maybe even the exact intent), but it was something about how you can't expect someone else to make you happy. You just need to do whatever you can to make others happy and not worry about how they reciprocate.  You almost need to place your family/friends first and go from there.  I believe I am a good sister/aunt/daughter.  As a friend, I am probably in need of some work.  I don't call friends regularly. I don't email.  I work with a lot of my good friends.  When they leave the company, I see them regularly, but not one on one.  I see them in our group.  Or if they move, I talk to them sporadically and use Facebook to throw comments their way.  

Maybe this is what my New Year's Resolution should be.  Not to get back in shape/exercise, find a man or get pregnant - but to be a better person.  A more thoughtful, positive, "other-centered" person.  I am just working through all this today.  I probably need to let it settle and ruminate for a while on it.  This is a good place for me to just get stuff out and see how it goes.

Ok - so I think I need to end on positive things or things I am thankful for or something "good".

Got it!  You know how I have talked about my youngun's sweet bottom?  He had a kick-ass 4-pack to go with it.  It wasn't a 6-pack ab, but sweet heaven, those 4 were pretty damn fine...the finest I have seen in at least the last decade.  That was a great gift for a 38 year old woman....and one I am most definitely thankful I got to enjoy.

A bit of this a bit of that....

So, as usual, nothing new on the baby making front.  I am pretty much NOT doing anything until January or February.  I will start thinking seriously about the frozen embryo transfer (FET) after the holidays.

But I have had some interesting things happen.  The first is CRAZY!  So, during my marriage, I was really good friends with my ex's sister and SIL.  We went out at least once a month, emailed, talked on the phone, etc.  They were truly 2 of my closest friends.  Well, after my ex decided he wanted a divorce, I relied pretty heavily on them.  They were totally like "he is a stupid asshole" and very supportive of me.  I mean, they loved him but they HAD to since he was family.  But after about 6 or 7 months, the ex told the girls they had to choose - him or me.

 I totally understood the difficult position he had put them in.  Here he was, living with the floozy, trying to pretend he didn't do anything wrong and that he started "dating" her after our separation.  Whatever.  But the fact that I was still friends with the girls and hanging out with them was just too much to take.  Now, I think I can honestly say I would never do that to my brothers (but they didn't like him so I knew that was never a possibility :))  Anyway, he gave them an ultimatum and they caved.  While I understand their point, I was still pissed that they gave in and allowed him to dictate their actions.  Whatever.    

Well, this weekend I ran into his sister at the mall!  It was crazy.  I haven't seen the ex for about 2 years and haven't seen the girls for about a year (we cheated and accidentally "ran into" each other at a bar a few times).  So I catch up with the sister about her life and the SIL's life.  It was great to see her.  After about 10 minutes, I finally break down and ask about the ex.  Evidently, he is no longer with the floozy.  She didn't know who ended it or any details.  I couldn't decide how I felt. On one hand, at least if he was still with the girl he left me for, it would seem worth it.  On the other hand, I hoped that he dumped her so she knew what I felt like.  But I don't really care (is that the right word??) whether he is happy or not.  While I don't actively wish him ill, I wouldn't be unhappy if something bad happened to him.  My mom still wishes that he somehow would have died in an accident before the separation. :)  That way I would have had the house and some $$.  But she is a very protective mama.  You don't want to wound one of her kids - she will run over you without blinking.  She actually wanted to put some shrimp in a vent at this house when I moved out....she was mad and didn't understand why I wouldn't let her! :)

Anyway, I just thought it was interesting.  It is sad, in a way, that he doesn't have a better relationship with his sister and SIL. But that is his choice.  And he needs to live with those.

My youngun.  He is just such a republican...to an extreme.  He is going to a republican candidate's results party tonight.  At the candidate's MIL's house. :)  I had no desire to be a part of that.  But he did ask me to go to the Nebraska football game with him this weekend and spend the night in Lincoln.  The odd thing is this:  Lincoln is about 30 minutes away and the game is at 1:30.  Hmmmm.  I told him I was up for whatever and he should plan it.  I am interested in seeing what exactly happens with that.  I don't have any way of defining what we have.  I am just enjoying it.

What else?  Not much.  It has been a busy two weeks - a fun two weeks.  I have been fairly upbeat - but I also haven't been thinking about the baby quest too much.  

Nothing New

I haven't posted in a while.  I feel guilty about that so will post a Seinfeld-esque (how do you spell that??) post about nothing.

I held my friend's sweet baby girl today - what a little doll.  For some reason, it wasn't painful.  I felt a twinge, an "I want this" sort of thing, but it wasn't heartbreaking.  It was good. She is a beautiful little thing and her big brother is a charmer.

Although, I ate at Cheesecake Factory this week and every other woman through those damn doors was pregnant.  Bitches. Each and every one of them.

I am going out of town to see another friend tomorrow.  I plan on drinking a lot.  But I have to drive, so that plan may need to be amended.  I am really looking forward to it.

I woke up this morning to Murray, my cat, dry heaving in the hall.  

This rain is making me sleepy.  I should turn on my furnace, but I am cheap and roll up in a blanket.  I found an electric throw and just about did a cart wheel in Sears.  I can keep my furnace on 62 with that thing...except in the mornings - then I need at least 68 to shower.  I haven't actually gotten the electric throw yet, but I am glad to know it is there.

Can you tell I am cheap?  I never turn the air on (unless it is consistently above 90) and keep the furnace set super low.  My mom wants me to get an electric throw for her too, as she shivers whenever she comes over.  Maybe I am taking this cheap thing too far????

Halloween is my 2nd favorite holiday.  I need to start thinking of a costume.  I think I am actually very good at coming up with odd ideas.  I went as a flower pot one year - cut the bottom out of a big plastic tub (you remember those old blue ones with rope handles???), held it on with suspenders and put that green styrofoam (that they use in flower arrangements) around the inside of the tube and stuck in fake flowers. I had on brown tights (dirt, for those who can't figure it out), astroturf around the bottom of the tube (um, grass), a green turtleneck (the flower stem) and a childs headband with petals on my head.  It was actually a very good costume. Until I figured out a) I could not sit down and b) I couldn't pee.  Both are pretty important.  Oh well.  I looked cute.

My youngun is still around.  Both brothers and sisters in law gave a "no comment". After he grilled my SIL about just voting for Obama cuz she is black, I pretty much knew the favorable comments were not coming.  The youngun doesn't do it to be intentionally offensive. He is just a bit socially awkward.  But that sweet bottom just keeps drawing me in.  Maybe if I take advantage of him for awhile, the appeal will wear off.

Another friend of mine wants to set me up with one of her hubbie's friends.  I have met him before and he seems nice.  He has a 2 year old son, so is a proven breeder...which is a bonus.  In the old days, didn't the man look for a "breeder"?  Hmmm.  Oh well. I need someone with some powerful sperm - and a million dollars.

I still have 4 frozen embies in the freezer. I think I may try in January or February.  It just depends. My place of employment had some lay offs last week. I was a brilliant planner and didn't teach my staff everything.  I am the only one who knows everything about the rules/systems.  If they lay me off, they are screwed.  But if they laid me off, I don't think I would care if they were screwed, would I?

Ok - I have posted enough to not feel guilty. Peace out.

A Poem

I found this poem on another blog and wanted to share.

I will be better...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.  I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.  I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.  My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.  Whether I parent a child I actually gave birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.  I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall, I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.   So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.  I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.  I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother. ~ Author Unknown.

Now, granted, some of this poem seems a bit over the top.  But I like the overall message.  And though I am not in the "I have prevailed" mindset, I will be someday.