Update...

Yikes!  I haven't updated in ages!!  Let's see - parted ways with the guy from NYE.  Long story - with a surprising amount of drama.  How can one normal, low maintenance girl fall into crap like that?  Oh well.  

The good news is that I was able to open myself up to someone and put myself out there.  I haven't done that since my divorce.  I think I am ready to do it again...just with someone who isn't so concerned about their body that they don't leave their house without their bodybug on (a calorie counter...I mean, really.  Why didn't I realize that was an indicator of something???).  Although, guys my age look old.  How did that happen?  

What else is new?  Work is crazy.  Family is great.  Great.

I will try to update a bit more regularly...did I mention I got on twitter? I don't understand it at all.

Pilates

Whoever created Pilates is a sadist.  Truly.  I bought an exercise DVD (cardio pilates) and it was hell.  Not so much the exercises....I could get my body contorted into most of them.  The issue is clothing, people.  I had on a pair of sweats, jog bra and t-shirt.  As I am laying on my mat, rolling around (I have no idea what the names of the positions are), my back started hurting.  Not muscles, but the places where my pants and bra hit the floor.  It was like getting a rug burn, without the fun.  My back was SORE in the places the clothing hit.  It hurt to even sleep on my back that night.

Are you supposed to do this stuff naked?  I tried it again with "yoga" pants and it wasn't quite so bad. But still - what about the bra???  Oh well.  I did the video a few times and gave up.  It was $12, so I guess I got my money's worth????

The yoga dvd is nice - have been doing that regularly.  I bought another one that is like a jazzercise class.  I was flailing around, a few beats behind the instructor, but figure some movement is better than none, right?  I was a bit sore the next day, so that felt good.  The dvd says "see results after 10 sessions", so I decided I will double up - 2 a day. Do you think that will work?? Doubtful, but I will give it a go.

Nothing new on the boy front. Went to visit J after his return from Mexico.  It was good.  Didn't see him this weekend, but hope to next.  Sometimes I like the distance...I like my alone time.  But others, it would be nice to be closer.

Had an 86th birthday party for my grandma last weekend.  She has never been one of those huggy, touchy, fun grandmas, but we love her.  She is getting a bit of dementia....she told my dad that when she got home from the grocery store there was a man sitting on her couch watching tv.  She sat and talked to him for a while then got up to make some food. When she came back from the kitchen, he was gone.  Sound realistic?  She said he looked nice so she didn't call the cops.  She doesn't remember any of the conversation but absolutely swears he was real.  After that, she couldn't find her purse.  My parents and niece searched the house fully (freezer, cupboards, basement, etc) and finally found the purse lodged firmly behind a dresser.  The only way the purse could have ended up there was for grandma (or someone) to place it there.  No one is really sure what is going on with her.  She lives alone, since grandpa is in the nursing home and we can't know for sure that she is taking all her meds (some are for early alzheimers)...it seems like it would be better for her to be in the assisted living facility attached to the nursing home where grandpa is, but she refuses.  And how can you make someone who is fairly independent do that?

Saw the movie The Wrestler last weekend - it was excellent.  But the ending!!??!! My SIL and I are in complete disagreement about it, but it was still a good movie.

Murray is changing.  He needs to be around/on me anytime I am home and sitting.  I can't even type on the computer without him walking across the keyboard or laying on me with his paw on the keyboard.  He didn't used to be so...not needy, but touchy???  He would get affectionate when he wanted, but it wasn't constant.  It scares me to think of him getting older/dying.  I know he is a cat, but he is my earthly baby...I don't know what I will do when I don't have him sticking his nose in my ear and purring - or laying beside me in bed.  I shouldn't complain about the constant touching, should I? 

I go see my beloved Dr. Hottie this week...sigh.  I haven't seen him in a year and can only hope he is still as lovely as before.  I just need to remember to wear light clothing for when they weigh me. :)  That is always a downer.

Speaking of downers, I used to be a fan of The Bachelor Jason M.  But after his proposal/breakup/new girl, I am done.  No more Bachelor for me (although I like Jillian, so maybe the bachelorette).  Jason kept saying "live life with no regrets" blah blah blah. It totally reminded me of my ex.  Puke.  I have plenty of regrets...mainly all those darn delicious twinkies I ate in my 20's....they are still being carried around in my hip/butt/thigh fat.  Ohhh, they were so good going down...if only they had exited my body instead of taking up permanent residence.

Nothing new

The sun is shining outside today...from the inside, it looks gorgeous.  Then  you realize the temps are in the 20's and decide to stay inside.  Darn midwest.  I want spring!!  I am ready for 70's (heck - 60's!) and warmth.  I think I am vitamin D deficient...maybe I should tan.  That would certainly cover some flabby imperfections! :)

I bought some exercise DVD's yesterday. A yoga, pilates and cardio DVD.  They are still in the wrappers, but I have high hopes of getting at least one out and trying it today.  My plan is to do the yoga one in the a.m. and then alternate the other two in the evenings.  I just need to tone a bit.  I am not fat - I am soft.  I am a skinny fat person in that my BMI must be insane and I am out of shape.  J is in fantastic shape - 8% body fat people.  How is that even possible when you are over 30?  He is in Mexico and said he was "getting a lot of attention".  I am hoping he means from my brother and their friends.  :)  But with him sharing a room with my brother, I guess I am not too worried!

I have decided that I do need to get in better shape though - with the warm weather coming...eventually....I will want to be comfortable in shorts.  And there is a wedding at the end of March that I want to wear a sleeveless dress to, so I need to get the bi's and tri's firmed up.  I don't want to have the saggy arm wave thing going on.  And I hope to go to a pool this summer, so want to feel good doing that.

Probably one of the big reasons is that I go to see my beloved Dr. Hottie in a few weeks.  I talked about him a lot last year - I haven't seen him for a while, so am very much looking forward to it.  Of course, his view won't be so nice, but I am hoping my view will still be fantastic. (sigh)

One of my friends posted pictures to show the changes in his body.  That won't be happening with me.  Ughh.  No thank you.  I need to get a calendar to mark down when I exercise - that could be a good motivator.  Hmmm. Mental note: get calendar.

My friend T and I had a bet on the NU/ISU game.  He lost, so had to wear ISU gear in public, with photographic evidence.  He paid the bet yesterday and it was a good time.  I will post a picture of it (and try to get it in a good spot....).  

Me and T - him proudly wearing the Cardinal & Gold...or is it scarlet & yellow now?

Pain

I miss my babies. Today is a bad day.  I blog surf and one of the sites I found was talking about a recent miscarriage.  And it just hit me, again, how much I will never know.  I will never know their smiles, their personalities, their hair or eye color. I will never know the pure joy of a sweet little voice calling me mommy.  I will never get to cuddle them when they are crying or be frustrated when they won't sleep.  I will never feel their little arms giving me a hug.

Oh God, I miss my babies.  I believe they are all in heaven.  On the blog, the woman said she was mad that the angels got to see her baby first.  And I completely understand.  I am still mad - and sad and broken.  Sometimes, it is ok.  Sometimes, I can get through weeks without crying.  

Today is not a good day.

New stuff

Honestly, there really isn't anything "new" to report.  I went to visit J last weekend - had a great time.  He came here this weekend - had another great time.  Sometimes I think I am too bossy or too uptight though.  It is hard having someone come for a weekend and not want to plan options.

When I went there last weekend, it didn't bother me at all that we had absolutely nothing planned.  I really didn't care. But for some reason, when he comes here, I have a very difficult time just going with the flow.  I don't know why I do it, but it drives him nuts. Nuts to the point where he says "stop it".  And sometimes I say things that in my mind have no meaning, but he will take in a way that I didn't mean.  In the grocery store,  I was leaving him in my dust.  So as I am slowing down, I say "I am a fast walker sometimes".  Which I totally didn't mean to imply that he needed to pick up the pace, but he took it as such...and then I spent the next 5 minutes obsessing over it and apologizing...which makes it worse??  I just need to think before I say things.  

Sometimes I just blurt out anything that comes to my mind. It doesn't add to the conversation, it doesn't do anything.  We were walking along a bike path Saturday and I said "I wonder how birds pick the trees they build their nests in".  Completely inane and stupid.  But I have no filter sometimes.  (look, I ended the para with the same word I started it...great grammar!!)

I can't decide if I need to work on my filter or if that is just something he needs to get used to.   The whole new thing/getting to know each other sucks. I want a comfy slipper.  I think he feels pretty comfortable - he says he does.  Ugghh. Uncertainty sucks.  But I guess you can have uncertainty if you are married...hence divorce.

My brother told me he has no problem with me dating J, but that I annoy him with certain things.  I can see his point - I don't know how comfortable I would be with my worlds intersecting like that.   But he told me on Friday about 45 minutes before J got here and completely had me paranoid.  How do I cut out part of my life when talking to J?  He doesn't - he tells me stories about what they all do.  And doesn't seem to have any issues at all.  I have decided that whatever my brother tells me, I will not tell J about. And I mean ANYTHING.  Which will be weird, but I don't know where the line is between what is "ok" and what "isn't".  Some, who have a better moral compass than I, might know.  But I don't.  I am a talker, so I guess it is best to just avoid the whole thing.  So now I don't feel comfortable telling my brother about the weekend.  When he asked today, I just said "good".  I guess if J wants to share, then he can.  But that is another thing. J won at a poker party my friend had Saturday night.  I didn't tell that to my brother because I didn't know if J would want to.  

Yuck.  Stress stress stress.  But I really like J, so I am putting up with it.  I don't know if the fact that I really like J makes it worse (I am assuming that would be a "hell yeah").  Whatever it is, I need to get over it.  It would be easier if we were in the same city...then I have days of no face to face where I obsess over every little thing.  "he didn't email me right away in the morning...is he tired of me?"  "he didn't email me to say he was leaving...is he tired of me?"  Can you say SLIGHTLY INSECURE??  Yuck. (again...end with the same word I started!!)

But other than me obsessing, things are good. :)

3 Years

Wow - I can't believe it has been 3 years since I lost Junior. Sometimes (a lot of time) I imagine what life would be like if she were here - if I had been lucky enough to deliver that sweet baby girl.  What would she be like?  What would she be doing?  

I miss my baby (and babies).  I wish they were here.  But I will always be thankful I had them for as long as I did.   They are all in heaven, watching over me with their uncle Dean.  

What a different place my life is in now - but it is a good place (today).  

Good Times

So, I had a fan-freaking-tastic weekend.  My guy drove over Friday night and left this morning.  It went surprisingly well.  He saw me in my natural state...no makeup, no shower and stinky.  And it was ok.  I was very comfortable.  And had a great time.  Thursday I had the brilliant idea that if he was driving over Saturday morning, why not make it Friday?  He was already going to see me with bedhead, what is one more day? And it turned out to be a very nice idea.  We literally spent the entire weekend together.  And I wasn't sick of him.  Granted, I don't know if he was sick of me, but he seemed fine with it.

Went to a basketball game on Saturday.  The seats were pretty average, but the company was pretty excellent.  The crazy, and I mean CRAZY, thing is that as we were leaving, we walked directly behind my ex.  And when I say directly, I mean I could have picked his pocket we were so close.  It was wild - hadn't seen him (other than in a car) for over a year.  It was odd.  I even told J that the guy right in front of us was my ex-husband.  He said "really???!!!??" and then we went right back to talking about something else.  

Now I am in the whole tizzy part of dating....does he like me?  Does he really mean it when he says he likes me?  Does the sight of my make up free face repel him?  When can I see him again?  Did the fact that he totally gave me whisker-burn and made my lips/chin super red make me less attractive? Arrgghh.  So much uncertainty.  One of my married friends was totally jealous of the whole butterflies/new/giggly feeling -- but I am more of a fan of the whole stable, secure relationship where you know where you stand....where you can fart and know that it is ok and don't need to go to another room to do so.  I like the old comfy slipper (as long as there is some excitement/romance thrown in).  The slipper is safe...I know the slipper fits me perfectly and have no need to look for anything flashier.  I honestly like this guy.  And my hips are WAY bigger than his...I have always said that I can't date a man if my hips are bigger than his.  If my jeans were to fall off of him, that would NOT be ok.  But they totally would (well, maybe not, but he has a lot less fat that I do - that is fo' sho).  And I am ok with this.  I will be monitoring my diet and exercising more though. :)

Not like my youngun.  He was (is) my friend and it was a crutch.  I knew there was no long term with him (blach).  But I wonder about J.  From what I have seen, my feelings are that I could date him long term.  The whole different city thing is an issue.  But I suppose I will cross that bridge if it ever comes up.

And the site of him walking from my bedroom into the bathroom is one where I did a little "click" and took a mental picture.  (sigh)

Did I mention I had a really great weekend?

Congratulations

Wow - the scenes from DC were incredible.  What a rush it would have been to experience this history in person.  I would even have put up with my hatred of crowds.  But what was up with Aretha's hat?  Was it supposed to be plugged in and light up??

Yay to us for electing President Obama.  Hopefully, we are realistic enough to know he cannot fix everything magically.  This process will take time.

Maybe I will even become motivated enough to start the service to others stuff.  Maybe.  As long as it doesn't interfere with my life.  Maybe.

Positivity Rocks!

So, I am in "like".  WHAT??? you say?  Yes, people, I like a guy.  It is the NYE (New Years Eve for you slow pokes) guy.  I went back to DSM last weekend and went out with him.  We went to a hockey game Friday night with the same group as New Years and Saturday we had our first "date"...dinner and a movie.  ***Gran Torino is fantastic!!***

It was a load of fun.  The group night was a very good time (our first kiss too! And it was yummy) and the date night was great.  As you may or may not know, I can be slightly cheap.  Shocking, I know.  But I usually take in my own drinks and snacks to a movie.  Not popcorn, because I don't think that can be reproduced.   But I will take in water/pepsi and my beloved peanut butter M&M's.  Well, for a first date I thought that would be slightly tacky...so I didn't bring anything. After dinner, on our way to the movie, he says "I have a surprise for you" and pulls out a bag with pepsi, water AND PEANUT BUTTER M&M'S!!!!!  He said that, surprisingly enough, PB M&M's are not everywhere.  He had to go to several places to find them.  It was so stinking sweet.  It was a great night.

We have emailed multiple times daily and had some marathon phone conversations.  I talked to him for an hour and a half yesterday.  An hour and a half people...I usually can't talk that long.  But I had to pee, so I stopped the conversation.  There are some people I can pee on the phone with...Karen, Bry, Mom...but that is about it.  He is coming here this weekend.  I am not sure how the whole thing is going to work. I mean, I have plans for Saturday and know what we are going to do.  But it is Saturday night I am unsure about.  Do I let him stay here?  And then do I let him stay on the couch?  It is too soon to "sleep" with him, so would that make it awkward?  Plus, I am wanting to take it slow since he is my brother's friend.  The biggest problem is "the morning after".  I can make myself look pretty decent, with time, shower and makeup.  But he could potentially see me in my natural state. And that is always pretty. My hair is crazy, no makeup, morning breath.  Ugghhh.  I am torn.  But sooo looking forward to it.  Except for the fact that I have a pimple AND a cold sore.  Why God?  Wwwhhhyyy? (shrug) Oh well. I bet it will be almost clear by Saturday (with lots of bag balm and meds).

I am listening to Bon Jovi.  Lord, I love him.  I hope he comes back in concert soon...the two times I have seen him (in this decade) have been 2 of the best times.  Jon is still smoking hot...Richie not so much, he looks rough.

Ok - need to run. Am going to lunch for my niece's birthday. She is 8...EIGHT!!!