Negavite

It was negative.  This $10,000 procedure didn't work.  I am not pregnant.  I am pretty much giving up on the hope that I will ever be pregnant.  I have all of these feelings and no way to really get them out.  My mom has been the one I have been the most open with in all this.  But she cried when I told her it didn't work.  How can I unload all these feelings on her when she already feels horrible?  I have always tried to put on a strong face for my friends.  It is horrible, but I don't want them to see just how much this is affecting me.  I don't want anyone's pity.  And, yes, they are my friends, but christ.  Why does nothing ever work out for me?

I have a good job, I love my family dearly, I have good friends.  But I have an ex husband who cheated on me, have lost 4 children and am 38 years old.  All my life, I just wanted one thing. One.  I wanted to have my own family.  If I couldn't have that with a husband, well fine.  I could do it on my own...at least I thought I could.

When people run into my parents, they ask "what has happened to Amy lately".  Like everyone is just waiting for the next horrible thing.  And by god, I can't disappoint them, can I?

I know I have had a lot of bad things, horrible things, happen to me.  But I absolutely detest the pity.  So what if I am divorced?  Many people are - 50% of marriages and all that.  Yes, I have lost babies - and that is truly horrific.  But I have never behaved the victim to anyone.  I have had my pity parties here on my blog and to my mom/family and some friends.  But I always put on a brave face to the rest of the world.  It irks the HELL out of me that people still seem to have have this look of "poor you" on their faces when they ask how I am doing.  Why must my life be what others are thankful not to have??

My life has had some great experiences that many people never get.  Granted, they mainly revolve around meeting famous athletes, but still, that is something.  My life is not all bad.  But people still seem so sorry for me.

On one hand, I am grateful that they care.  And I know they do. I know these people honestly love me and wish nothing but the best for me.  And maybe they keep asking because they truly hope I have something great to share.

But when someone asks what is going on in my life, I have never once said "oh, I just lost a baby." "Oh, I lost another baby and a tube - I now have a 50% LESS chance of ever getting pregnant without assistance".  I never say the bad things.  And I always tell them a funny story. "Are you dating anyone?" "I am currently trying to become a cougar and working on a 30 year old" seems to be the popular one right now.  There is always some way to share things in my life in a humorous way.  But that is when I have my game face on.  When I hear someone say, always jokingly, "it's no wonder you can't get a man" I do get hurt. I mean, why would they say that?  I actually can get a man - I just can't find one I want to keep. And why should I settle?  

Although, today, right now, I think I would be happy to settle.  I would love to have a partner right now who would let me cry on his shoulder, hug me and tell me it will be ok.  Even though it won't, just to have someone would make this whole baby quest so much easier.  And not only cuz it would save me $800 on sperm each attempt!  But just to have another body to turn to for comfort.  Someone to share this load with.  Even my ex provided me some comfort after the loss of my 2nd baby.  And he was an asshole.  

And that is, I think, the most difficult part of this journey.  Not the realization that I may truly never have my own child (which is something I just can't even begin to process).  But the fact that I don't have anyone to share this with.  I don't have a husband/partner/boyfriend who I can go to, just sobbing, and walk into a hug.  I don't have anyone to wrap his arms around me and just let me rest and not be so strong all the time.  And that is what makes me cry.  Because if I truly had found someone, I might someday be able to deal with the fact that I can't have kids.  I would have that guy to grow old with and know that I wasn't alone.  Because as much as my family and friends love me, I am alone.  And I am now terrified I will be that way forever.  

18 Hours

I go in tomorrow for my blood work.  I have a very very bad feeling about this. I don't expect to get good news.  Most of the time I can be fairly positive, but I just don't have it in me right now.  I pray I am wrong, but we know how well prayer has worked for me in the past.

If I don't post for a while, you will know why.  

Almost there

Only 2 more days.  2 more days before I find out if my IVF worked or not.  It has been a bit since I posted.  Did I mention I got a bladder infection from the transfer??  Ummm, evidently it isn't a good idea to get your bladder full to the bursting point then be afraid to pee very much.  I was on bed rest except for potty breaks.  Well, to me, that means "pee as little as possible". So I tried not to drink much and then made quick work whenever I couldn't hold it any longer.

Evidently that is a bad plan.  But I went in for a "culture" on Monday and they called in some pills for me.  I found out that a lot of the time if you chart your temp after IVF, you will see a constant low grade fever.  That sounds almost obsessive enough for me to really enjoy.  But I didn't know about it in time.  And it wouldn't have mattered much as I most likely have a fever from the infection.

I am feeling a few twinges and have felt warm...but that could be due completely to the infection.  Who knows. I am trying not to drive myself crazy with this.  

What else to share?  Have finally broken down and am going to lunch with boring guy (remember the one I threw back but then he somehow washed ashore again?).  He has been emailing me pretty much daily.  I bet he has had bad luck with the ladies.  I mean, I am great and all, but great enough to email me every day even though I told him I didn't want to date???Doubtful.  Maybe he has realized the error of his cheap ways.  Doesn't matter - I don't think you can change cheap.

I am currently working on a younger man - 30 to my 38 (jesus that is old).  At first, I thought it would be kinda cool to be a "cougar" but that almost sounds pathetic...like I am desperate.  And while I am getting slightly desperate for sex, this whole pregnant or not thing the last couple weeks has messed with my plan.  If I am pregnant, no sex for me.  I remember when I was married, my beloved dr hottie told me that sex would more than likely cause me to spot.  Like I need that extra stress...not even for the most fabulous sex would I chance that.  Wait.  If I could guarantee there would be no issues with the baby/pregnancy, I would give it up for certain people.  Gerard Butler, my beloved-dead-too-soon-Denny (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), Dave Matthews, a skinny Rob Thomas (not so much the chubby version). Oh and Jim Esch.  That politician is yummy.

I need to stop that list.  What was my point? I think I was going to talk about my new interest, but I got distracted and now I don't recall exactly where I was going.  I think I am going to end it on that note.

I will be sure to tell all 2 readers (Hi Herpersmama!!) just what I find out on Saturday.  Keep me in your prayers!!

Waiting

I had my transfer on Wednesday.  It went very well.  Dr D called to tell me I had 7 embies to choose from and she was VERY pleased with their quality.  She picked 3 to transfer in.  I had to have a full bladder when I got to the hospital at 9:30, so I thought "ok, I will tinkle at 8:00 and then drink water like crazy".  I mean, I didn't want to be in massive pain cuz I needed to potty...just minor pain.  

I am laying in bed in the hospital and the nurse tells me it is time to take my valium.  I drink 1/2 of a bottle of water with it...my 3rd bottle, mind you.  I am comfortably uncomfortable if that make sense.  Then 15 minutes later, I am in HELL.  I don't know that I have ever been that uncomfortable.  It wasn't that I needed to pee, like where you cross your legs. It was "I have a SHARP SHOOTING pain down there and I can't stand it."  My mom called the nurse and, lord love her, she let me tinkle a bit to relieve the pressure.  She was a true angel.  

So then I have to walk down to the room where they will do the transfer....and by walk, I mean a hunched-over-shuffle.  I get on the table, feet in stirrups and the RE inserts the speculum.  That was NOT fun.  She keeps telling me I am going to push it out unless I relax.  Umm, lets see. My bladder is going to explode and I am to relax.  That valium didn't work at all.  I know during the transfer the u/s tech made some comment, but I couldn't, for the life of me, repeat it.  After the transfer, they put a catheter in. Let me tell you this: that feeling was almost better than sex.  It was pure JOY.  I just laid there with my eyes closed going "ahhhhhh".  My RE gave me pictures of the embies - I think she showed me which ones she transfered but I was so blissed out by the catheter that I don't know for sure what ones they were.

So I went home with my mom, laid on my butt and basically tried not to move very much.  It was boring, but necessary.  Now I am waiting.  I had a blood draw this morning - to find out what I am not sure.  I need to ask when they call in.

OH! I had some more good news.  All 4 remaining embies made it to blast stage and have gone to the freezer!  That is great news!! Hopefully I won't need them, but I am so blessed to have them there.  I pray that if I need them, 2 would make it through the thaw phase.  But I am not going to think of that yet.  I am just praying like crazy and hoping I will have some sticky beans in there. Please please please please please please...you get the idea.

6 Eggs

I had my retrieval on Sunday.  It was a fairly odd experience - I went to the hospital, changed into a fabulous hospital gown and got some drugs.  They put me in a twilight sleep and took out 12 eggs.  It only took about 15 minutes and I woke up from the drugs about 20 minutes after the procedure.  They gave me some super strong tylenol and I went home.  I ended up sleeping most of the day with a heating pad on cuz I had some massive cramps.

I still feel pretty bloated, but no pain.  The dr called and they injected sperm (ICSI) directly into 11 of the eggs (evidently 1 ruptured or something).  Of the 11 that were injected,  7 fertilized - but only 6 fertilized normally.  I don't know if they are all good or what. I don't even know if it is normal to only have 50% of the eggs retrieved fertilized.  To me, that number seems low...but who knows.

The DR will call me again tomorrow to let me know what time my transfer is on Wednesday and will also give me an update on the status of the eggs.  They will transfer 3 (if available).  If there are more than 3 that are in good shape, they will freeze the remaining...just in case I need a frozen embryo transfer. What I REALLY want to happen is this cycle works and I can save the frozen ones for future siblings. :)  I have been praying as much as I can possibly pray.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, people.  I will update tomorrow when I know what the situation is. 

Countdown Part Duex

Man - I really can't get that song out of my head!!  At least, I think it is that song.  I really can only think of one part...I am just assuming that part goes to that hair band song. Oh well.  UPDATE:  The song is Europe's "Final Countdown" - Thank you herpersmama for the info!  I am glad to know I am not making songs up in my head.

So, I went to the RE today and paid for my procedure.  They really need to give you something when they show you that invoice...vallium, xanax, something.  Cuz that is terrifying.  But I smiled and blithely signed my life away.  My lining is coming along (still) and my follies are not quite there. My nurse said I have plenty of time to get my lining up to snuff.   I am to continue the protocol and go back Friday morning.  They estimate the retrieval will be Sunday.  Which is good, as I only have 4 more shots left of my stims.  I have EXACTLY enough to get me to Friday morning and then I am done....out...finished.  Oh! Remember the shots I need to take to prevent ovulation?  The ones that are $98 each shot?  Well, those puppies buuurrrnnn.  They are not fun.  They hurt going in and then they burn for about 5 minutes after.  Ahh the joys I get to experience.  But I get 2 more days of them.  Yay!!

So, if I have retrieval on Sunday, I will have the transfer on Wednesday.  Can you say "holy crap!!!"  A week, people.  7 terrifying days until the transfer.  Yikes.

Ok - need to run.  Will try to post more when I have time.

Countdown

Ok, so in my head I have some hairband singing "the final count-down"...not sure who.  I just know it is a hair band from the good old days. :)  If I had any IT/computer knowledge I would totally put that song on here...on repeat...so you had to listen to it over and over and over....cuz that would be kinda fun....to torment the 2 readers who actually check this out (but never comment).  I mean, it isn't like I need validation (ok, maybe I do), but seriously, 1 comment ever.  That is a sad little commentary.  But I guess I don't post for you, dear reader (singular, not plural), I do it for posterity.  So I can look back in a year and remember all the struggles and (please god) look at my sweet baby(ies) and know he/she/they were worth it.  Anyway - tangent alert. Let me get back to it.

I went to the RE on Friday and was told my lining is "lagging behind".  But my follicles and blood work was good.  I was to continue my protocol and go back Monday.  Well, I go this morning and they show me how much I am going to owe...a solid $2500 MORE than what I had budgeted for.  And they show it to you when you are in front of all the other patients waiting for the DR.  It's not like I can quietly say "holy shit" and not have someone notice.  I guess I need to call tomorrow and have them actually print out what the extra fees are.  I am pretty sure ICSI (or is it ICIS???? the thing where they inject the sperm right into the egg) is an additional $250, but still - that is $2250 unaccounted for.  So luckily I don't have to pay today - I pay before the procedure...which we don't really know when that is.

I pay for today's u/s, b/w and my beloved donor sperm and go sit back down to wait.  The whole entire time I am looking at the cute, loving couples who probably can write a check for the entire amount without blinking (or worse yet, have their insurance cover it) and am freaking out.  My heart is pounding, I am sweating...I swear I can almost feel my eye twitching.  I am in panic mode.  What the hell am I doing? How can I spend that much?  How can I go into debt that much (ok, that much MORE)?  They finally call my name and I go in.  I won't even begin to tell you about the blood draw - I think it was an intern...and not an Izzy or Yang or Karev....it was a bad one.  But I digress.  The u/s was fine.  My lining is "coming along", my estrogen level was "great" and follies looked good.  All fairly positive.

But then they tell me I need my blood pressure taken, etc, as a prep for the retrieval.  My blood pressure is normally 100 over something (I can never remember the bottom number).  But I tell the nurse that I am a bit terrified over everything and I can feel my heart beating faster.  My bp was 112 over 72.  Not bad, by any means, but definitely elevated for me.  Oh well.  She goes over the procedures and gives me some good news:  my RE doesn't charge for the freezing/storage of the frozen embryos...yay.  

Ok, my beloved cat Murray has decided to lay right across my hands and the keyboard and purr like there is no tomorrow, so there are going to be some typos...but that is fine.  Murray just wants to be part of this post...I need to see if I can find a picture and show you what a fine feline he is.  He is 13 and my baby.  

Where was I?  Oh yes, free (not a word I will ever hear again from that office, I am sure).  But that is some unexpectedly good news so I will go for it.  I go back Wednesday to see where I am at. I could possibly have the retrieval Thursday or Friday. Oh, but the really good news is that I get to add another shot to my routine.  I take one at 7:00 am, one at 7:00pm (both in the bum) and another one at 10:00pm in the stomach or thigh.  This newest one is to stop ovulation...because that would just defeat the whole purpose, now wouldn't it???  I am told this one burns, which I am really looking forward to.  

I don't have anything exciting to add. Oh WAIT.  Yes I do.  Guess who I got an email from!  Boring guy...the one I threw back...and guess what I did?  I responded in a nice breezy, chatty email and apologized for the way I ended it.  Yes, boy or girl (whichever one is reading this), I got the chance to be nice and hopefully the baby fairies will know that I tried to put good karma (or juu juu) out there.  But I told him that I wasn't in a place to date right now, but if he wanted to hang out as friends, I am down with that.  At least this way I will just pay for myself and not both of us. :)  If I have a son, I hope I can make him realize that cheap is not a good thing when it comes to dating.

Gotta run!  Will update more in a few. 

It starts....

My period finally came on Saturday.  I went to the DR on Sunday (at 7:00 a.m.) where they drew some blood and had an ultrasound.  They said everything looks good so I started my shots on Sunday.  I am doing two shots each day - one at 7:00 am and another a 7:00 pm.  The bad thing is that I am going to have to set my alarm on the weekends until I am done shooting up. Blach. But oh well.  I am to go back to the DR Friday morning.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  Yuck.  I think I am turning 32....again....I can honestly say I never in a million years would have pictured my life this way.  But it is what it is.  A right turn instead of a left...a break up instead of sticking it out (shrug). Ah well.

Nothing else too exciting.  I  will check in later...