Nothing new

The sun is shining outside today...from the inside, it looks gorgeous.  Then  you realize the temps are in the 20's and decide to stay inside.  Darn midwest.  I want spring!!  I am ready for 70's (heck - 60's!) and warmth.  I think I am vitamin D deficient...maybe I should tan.  That would certainly cover some flabby imperfections! :)

I bought some exercise DVD's yesterday. A yoga, pilates and cardio DVD.  They are still in the wrappers, but I have high hopes of getting at least one out and trying it today.  My plan is to do the yoga one in the a.m. and then alternate the other two in the evenings.  I just need to tone a bit.  I am not fat - I am soft.  I am a skinny fat person in that my BMI must be insane and I am out of shape.  J is in fantastic shape - 8% body fat people.  How is that even possible when you are over 30?  He is in Mexico and said he was "getting a lot of attention".  I am hoping he means from my brother and their friends.  :)  But with him sharing a room with my brother, I guess I am not too worried!

I have decided that I do need to get in better shape though - with the warm weather coming...eventually....I will want to be comfortable in shorts.  And there is a wedding at the end of March that I want to wear a sleeveless dress to, so I need to get the bi's and tri's firmed up.  I don't want to have the saggy arm wave thing going on.  And I hope to go to a pool this summer, so want to feel good doing that.

Probably one of the big reasons is that I go to see my beloved Dr. Hottie in a few weeks.  I talked about him a lot last year - I haven't seen him for a while, so am very much looking forward to it.  Of course, his view won't be so nice, but I am hoping my view will still be fantastic. (sigh)

One of my friends posted pictures to show the changes in his body.  That won't be happening with me.  Ughh.  No thank you.  I need to get a calendar to mark down when I exercise - that could be a good motivator.  Hmmm. Mental note: get calendar.

My friend T and I had a bet on the NU/ISU game.  He lost, so had to wear ISU gear in public, with photographic evidence.  He paid the bet yesterday and it was a good time.  I will post a picture of it (and try to get it in a good spot....).  

Me and T - him proudly wearing the Cardinal & Gold...or is it scarlet & yellow now?

Pain

I miss my babies. Today is a bad day.  I blog surf and one of the sites I found was talking about a recent miscarriage.  And it just hit me, again, how much I will never know.  I will never know their smiles, their personalities, their hair or eye color. I will never know the pure joy of a sweet little voice calling me mommy.  I will never get to cuddle them when they are crying or be frustrated when they won't sleep.  I will never feel their little arms giving me a hug.

Oh God, I miss my babies.  I believe they are all in heaven.  On the blog, the woman said she was mad that the angels got to see her baby first.  And I completely understand.  I am still mad - and sad and broken.  Sometimes, it is ok.  Sometimes, I can get through weeks without crying.  

Today is not a good day.

New stuff

Honestly, there really isn't anything "new" to report.  I went to visit J last weekend - had a great time.  He came here this weekend - had another great time.  Sometimes I think I am too bossy or too uptight though.  It is hard having someone come for a weekend and not want to plan options.

When I went there last weekend, it didn't bother me at all that we had absolutely nothing planned.  I really didn't care. But for some reason, when he comes here, I have a very difficult time just going with the flow.  I don't know why I do it, but it drives him nuts. Nuts to the point where he says "stop it".  And sometimes I say things that in my mind have no meaning, but he will take in a way that I didn't mean.  In the grocery store,  I was leaving him in my dust.  So as I am slowing down, I say "I am a fast walker sometimes".  Which I totally didn't mean to imply that he needed to pick up the pace, but he took it as such...and then I spent the next 5 minutes obsessing over it and apologizing...which makes it worse??  I just need to think before I say things.  

Sometimes I just blurt out anything that comes to my mind. It doesn't add to the conversation, it doesn't do anything.  We were walking along a bike path Saturday and I said "I wonder how birds pick the trees they build their nests in".  Completely inane and stupid.  But I have no filter sometimes.  (look, I ended the para with the same word I started it...great grammar!!)

I can't decide if I need to work on my filter or if that is just something he needs to get used to.   The whole new thing/getting to know each other sucks. I want a comfy slipper.  I think he feels pretty comfortable - he says he does.  Ugghh. Uncertainty sucks.  But I guess you can have uncertainty if you are married...hence divorce.

My brother told me he has no problem with me dating J, but that I annoy him with certain things.  I can see his point - I don't know how comfortable I would be with my worlds intersecting like that.   But he told me on Friday about 45 minutes before J got here and completely had me paranoid.  How do I cut out part of my life when talking to J?  He doesn't - he tells me stories about what they all do.  And doesn't seem to have any issues at all.  I have decided that whatever my brother tells me, I will not tell J about. And I mean ANYTHING.  Which will be weird, but I don't know where the line is between what is "ok" and what "isn't".  Some, who have a better moral compass than I, might know.  But I don't.  I am a talker, so I guess it is best to just avoid the whole thing.  So now I don't feel comfortable telling my brother about the weekend.  When he asked today, I just said "good".  I guess if J wants to share, then he can.  But that is another thing. J won at a poker party my friend had Saturday night.  I didn't tell that to my brother because I didn't know if J would want to.  

Yuck.  Stress stress stress.  But I really like J, so I am putting up with it.  I don't know if the fact that I really like J makes it worse (I am assuming that would be a "hell yeah").  Whatever it is, I need to get over it.  It would be easier if we were in the same city...then I have days of no face to face where I obsess over every little thing.  "he didn't email me right away in the morning...is he tired of me?"  "he didn't email me to say he was leaving...is he tired of me?"  Can you say SLIGHTLY INSECURE??  Yuck. (again...end with the same word I started!!)

But other than me obsessing, things are good. :)

3 Years

Wow - I can't believe it has been 3 years since I lost Junior. Sometimes (a lot of time) I imagine what life would be like if she were here - if I had been lucky enough to deliver that sweet baby girl.  What would she be like?  What would she be doing?  

I miss my baby (and babies).  I wish they were here.  But I will always be thankful I had them for as long as I did.   They are all in heaven, watching over me with their uncle Dean.  

What a different place my life is in now - but it is a good place (today).  

Good Times

So, I had a fan-freaking-tastic weekend.  My guy drove over Friday night and left this morning.  It went surprisingly well.  He saw me in my natural state...no makeup, no shower and stinky.  And it was ok.  I was very comfortable.  And had a great time.  Thursday I had the brilliant idea that if he was driving over Saturday morning, why not make it Friday?  He was already going to see me with bedhead, what is one more day? And it turned out to be a very nice idea.  We literally spent the entire weekend together.  And I wasn't sick of him.  Granted, I don't know if he was sick of me, but he seemed fine with it.

Went to a basketball game on Saturday.  The seats were pretty average, but the company was pretty excellent.  The crazy, and I mean CRAZY, thing is that as we were leaving, we walked directly behind my ex.  And when I say directly, I mean I could have picked his pocket we were so close.  It was wild - hadn't seen him (other than in a car) for over a year.  It was odd.  I even told J that the guy right in front of us was my ex-husband.  He said "really???!!!??" and then we went right back to talking about something else.  

Now I am in the whole tizzy part of dating....does he like me?  Does he really mean it when he says he likes me?  Does the sight of my make up free face repel him?  When can I see him again?  Did the fact that he totally gave me whisker-burn and made my lips/chin super red make me less attractive? Arrgghh.  So much uncertainty.  One of my married friends was totally jealous of the whole butterflies/new/giggly feeling -- but I am more of a fan of the whole stable, secure relationship where you know where you stand....where you can fart and know that it is ok and don't need to go to another room to do so.  I like the old comfy slipper (as long as there is some excitement/romance thrown in).  The slipper is safe...I know the slipper fits me perfectly and have no need to look for anything flashier.  I honestly like this guy.  And my hips are WAY bigger than his...I have always said that I can't date a man if my hips are bigger than his.  If my jeans were to fall off of him, that would NOT be ok.  But they totally would (well, maybe not, but he has a lot less fat that I do - that is fo' sho).  And I am ok with this.  I will be monitoring my diet and exercising more though. :)

Not like my youngun.  He was (is) my friend and it was a crutch.  I knew there was no long term with him (blach).  But I wonder about J.  From what I have seen, my feelings are that I could date him long term.  The whole different city thing is an issue.  But I suppose I will cross that bridge if it ever comes up.

And the site of him walking from my bedroom into the bathroom is one where I did a little "click" and took a mental picture.  (sigh)

Did I mention I had a really great weekend?

Congratulations

Wow - the scenes from DC were incredible.  What a rush it would have been to experience this history in person.  I would even have put up with my hatred of crowds.  But what was up with Aretha's hat?  Was it supposed to be plugged in and light up??

Yay to us for electing President Obama.  Hopefully, we are realistic enough to know he cannot fix everything magically.  This process will take time.

Maybe I will even become motivated enough to start the service to others stuff.  Maybe.  As long as it doesn't interfere with my life.  Maybe.

Positivity Rocks!

So, I am in "like".  WHAT??? you say?  Yes, people, I like a guy.  It is the NYE (New Years Eve for you slow pokes) guy.  I went back to DSM last weekend and went out with him.  We went to a hockey game Friday night with the same group as New Years and Saturday we had our first "date"...dinner and a movie.  ***Gran Torino is fantastic!!***

It was a load of fun.  The group night was a very good time (our first kiss too! And it was yummy) and the date night was great.  As you may or may not know, I can be slightly cheap.  Shocking, I know.  But I usually take in my own drinks and snacks to a movie.  Not popcorn, because I don't think that can be reproduced.   But I will take in water/pepsi and my beloved peanut butter M&M's.  Well, for a first date I thought that would be slightly tacky...so I didn't bring anything. After dinner, on our way to the movie, he says "I have a surprise for you" and pulls out a bag with pepsi, water AND PEANUT BUTTER M&M'S!!!!!  He said that, surprisingly enough, PB M&M's are not everywhere.  He had to go to several places to find them.  It was so stinking sweet.  It was a great night.

We have emailed multiple times daily and had some marathon phone conversations.  I talked to him for an hour and a half yesterday.  An hour and a half people...I usually can't talk that long.  But I had to pee, so I stopped the conversation.  There are some people I can pee on the phone with...Karen, Bry, Mom...but that is about it.  He is coming here this weekend.  I am not sure how the whole thing is going to work. I mean, I have plans for Saturday and know what we are going to do.  But it is Saturday night I am unsure about.  Do I let him stay here?  And then do I let him stay on the couch?  It is too soon to "sleep" with him, so would that make it awkward?  Plus, I am wanting to take it slow since he is my brother's friend.  The biggest problem is "the morning after".  I can make myself look pretty decent, with time, shower and makeup.  But he could potentially see me in my natural state. And that is always pretty. My hair is crazy, no makeup, morning breath.  Ugghhh.  I am torn.  But sooo looking forward to it.  Except for the fact that I have a pimple AND a cold sore.  Why God?  Wwwhhhyyy? (shrug) Oh well. I bet it will be almost clear by Saturday (with lots of bag balm and meds).

I am listening to Bon Jovi.  Lord, I love him.  I hope he comes back in concert soon...the two times I have seen him (in this decade) have been 2 of the best times.  Jon is still smoking hot...Richie not so much, he looks rough.

Ok - need to run. Am going to lunch for my niece's birthday. She is 8...EIGHT!!!  

New Year

I can honestly say I had the best New Year's Eve in a decade.  I went to visit my brother and SIL and went out with their friends.  I have known all but one for years and they are a great group of people.  My brother is very lucky to have them.  Well, the one I didn't know is a very cool guy. I have heard about him but never met.  We hit it off.  There is no way to adequately explain why the night was so fun, so I won't even try.  Suffice it to say, we went to dinner then to this old people-ish bar and danced up a storm.  I saw old ladies in glittery dresses, a Kenny Rogers post-surgery look-alike, cougars and the younger men that love them.  A good time was had by all.

I went back to my brother's house this weekend (he lives about 1.5 hours away) and went out with the guy on an official date.  It was a good time and I will be seeing him again.  He is nice, funny and just fun.  I have only been out with him a total of 3 times, but he is the kind of guy I want to date.  Him being in a different city is not ideal, especially when driving in wintery, midwest weather is involved.  But I look forward to seeing him again and I believe he feels the same way.  We shall see.

There was a "focus group" with the hospital that I had the tube removal at last week for perinatal loss.  I was the only one with a first trimester loss - each of the other 8 couples had late term losses. It was heartbreaking to hear their stories and relive my experience.  Seeing my mom cry was so hard.  She has been such a rock for me.  I am blessed to have her.

There is just so much that can go wrong with pregnancy.  You don't realize it when you are younger - the world is your oyster and everything will work out.  But the reality is that it doesn't always.  The hospital wanted to know what they did that was good, what wasn't and what we would have liked to have had happen (other than NOT losing our children).  If they implement some of the items brought up, I think it would be wonderful.  

Pregnancy loss seems to not be recognized as a traumatic event and that is horrible.  People understand your grief when you lose a child after birth, but they seem to brush it off when you lose the baby before birth.  And we have just the same feelings for our children whether they make it to term or not. We still love that child, have hopes and dreams for them.  We just don't have memories or tangible proof they were here.    And that almost makes it harder.  We wonder.  We wonder about the sex, who they would have looked like, if they would have been funny, smart or awkward.  We will never know and that sucks.  But that is life and we just have to put one foot in front of the other and go on.

That pretty much sums up my last two weeks.  I had some really good times and some painful ones.  I am trying to keep a positive outlook and so far, it seems to have brought good things.

Long time no talk...

Wow.  I have been a very bad blogger.  It has been since November 4th since I posted.  ****Nov 4 is the b/day for 2 of my ex-boyfriends AND their moms....how weird is that???***

Lots has happened - good and bad.  My youngun and I officially became boyfriend and girlfriend (and he even introduced me as such to his siblings).  And then we broke up. It was a lot of fun and while it was very painful to break up, it was bound to happen.  I won't get into all the details of it.  But I couldn't honestly see myself married to him.  He was almost a crutch, in a way.  Someone for me to date and have fun with, but I didn't have to worry about long term.  Which is bad, cuz I am 38.  I can't just be dating someone to date someone.  That is just wasting time, right?  But the relationship did make me see that I DO want to have someone in my life.  I don't want to be alone and I don't have to be.  

And maybe, just maybe, I could actually have what I want: a man and a baby.  I have been told that I am too negative.  That I expect the bad to happen - almost to a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Which is horrible - but true?  I know I tend to have a more "realistic" outlook.  But could my failure to always be hopeful have been my downfall?  I don't mean with my miscarriages. There is no amount of hope that could have saved those sweet babies.  But is my less-than-sunny outlook affecting other aspects of my life?

I think this is something I really need to work on.  But I am just not sure how.  I was told to do "affirmations".  Which, to my negative mind, seem a little too new-age.  But hey.  I am turning over a new leaf.  Maybe I will.  It also made me think of a post I read on a blog.  I don't remember the verbiage (or maybe even the exact intent), but it was something about how you can't expect someone else to make you happy. You just need to do whatever you can to make others happy and not worry about how they reciprocate.  You almost need to place your family/friends first and go from there.  I believe I am a good sister/aunt/daughter.  As a friend, I am probably in need of some work.  I don't call friends regularly. I don't email.  I work with a lot of my good friends.  When they leave the company, I see them regularly, but not one on one.  I see them in our group.  Or if they move, I talk to them sporadically and use Facebook to throw comments their way.  

Maybe this is what my New Year's Resolution should be.  Not to get back in shape/exercise, find a man or get pregnant - but to be a better person.  A more thoughtful, positive, "other-centered" person.  I am just working through all this today.  I probably need to let it settle and ruminate for a while on it.  This is a good place for me to just get stuff out and see how it goes.

Ok - so I think I need to end on positive things or things I am thankful for or something "good".

Got it!  You know how I have talked about my youngun's sweet bottom?  He had a kick-ass 4-pack to go with it.  It wasn't a 6-pack ab, but sweet heaven, those 4 were pretty damn fine...the finest I have seen in at least the last decade.  That was a great gift for a 38 year old woman....and one I am most definitely thankful I got to enjoy.