Nothing New

I haven't posted in a while.  I feel guilty about that so will post a Seinfeld-esque (how do you spell that??) post about nothing.

I held my friend's sweet baby girl today - what a little doll.  For some reason, it wasn't painful.  I felt a twinge, an "I want this" sort of thing, but it wasn't heartbreaking.  It was good. She is a beautiful little thing and her big brother is a charmer.

Although, I ate at Cheesecake Factory this week and every other woman through those damn doors was pregnant.  Bitches. Each and every one of them.

I am going out of town to see another friend tomorrow.  I plan on drinking a lot.  But I have to drive, so that plan may need to be amended.  I am really looking forward to it.

I woke up this morning to Murray, my cat, dry heaving in the hall.  

This rain is making me sleepy.  I should turn on my furnace, but I am cheap and roll up in a blanket.  I found an electric throw and just about did a cart wheel in Sears.  I can keep my furnace on 62 with that thing...except in the mornings - then I need at least 68 to shower.  I haven't actually gotten the electric throw yet, but I am glad to know it is there.

Can you tell I am cheap?  I never turn the air on (unless it is consistently above 90) and keep the furnace set super low.  My mom wants me to get an electric throw for her too, as she shivers whenever she comes over.  Maybe I am taking this cheap thing too far????

Halloween is my 2nd favorite holiday.  I need to start thinking of a costume.  I think I am actually very good at coming up with odd ideas.  I went as a flower pot one year - cut the bottom out of a big plastic tub (you remember those old blue ones with rope handles???), held it on with suspenders and put that green styrofoam (that they use in flower arrangements) around the inside of the tube and stuck in fake flowers. I had on brown tights (dirt, for those who can't figure it out), astroturf around the bottom of the tube (um, grass), a green turtleneck (the flower stem) and a childs headband with petals on my head.  It was actually a very good costume. Until I figured out a) I could not sit down and b) I couldn't pee.  Both are pretty important.  Oh well.  I looked cute.

My youngun is still around.  Both brothers and sisters in law gave a "no comment". After he grilled my SIL about just voting for Obama cuz she is black, I pretty much knew the favorable comments were not coming.  The youngun doesn't do it to be intentionally offensive. He is just a bit socially awkward.  But that sweet bottom just keeps drawing me in.  Maybe if I take advantage of him for awhile, the appeal will wear off.

Another friend of mine wants to set me up with one of her hubbie's friends.  I have met him before and he seems nice.  He has a 2 year old son, so is a proven breeder...which is a bonus.  In the old days, didn't the man look for a "breeder"?  Hmmm.  Oh well. I need someone with some powerful sperm - and a million dollars.

I still have 4 frozen embies in the freezer. I think I may try in January or February.  It just depends. My place of employment had some lay offs last week. I was a brilliant planner and didn't teach my staff everything.  I am the only one who knows everything about the rules/systems.  If they lay me off, they are screwed.  But if they laid me off, I don't think I would care if they were screwed, would I?

Ok - I have posted enough to not feel guilty. Peace out.

A Poem

I found this poem on another blog and wanted to share.

I will be better...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.  I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.  I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.  My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.  Whether I parent a child I actually gave birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.  I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall, I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.   So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.  I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.  I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother. ~ Author Unknown.

Now, granted, some of this poem seems a bit over the top.  But I like the overall message.  And though I am not in the "I have prevailed" mindset, I will be someday.

I am....

broken. I am tired. I am in need.  I have all these negative adjectives to describe me.  But I do have good moments.  And they almost make everything worse.  I am putting on my strong face - the one that shows I am fine with all that has happened.  Sometimes I believe it too, and think 'ok - you are going to be better than before.'  I mean, how can I go through all this and not be a better person?  I am most definitely stronger.  I have wonderful parents/family/friends.  I have a lot more than most.  I know I have a lot more debt than most - but that is for me to think about later.   I may try to sell my house and move in with my parents.  I can get by as is, but I don't want to just "get by".  I don't want to have to not go see a friend because I don't have the gas $$ budgeted for it.  And that makes me feel like  a loser, so we won't go into that now.

I know I should make this "lighter" - get some humor going.  And believe me, there are some things that are actually funny that I could share.  But while I can see the humor in them, they have a sad side that almost makes me feel worse.

What have I done to change my life in the last 2 weeks?  I went to a football game (which my team lost in a very heart wrenching way).  I took my nephew on a field trip.  He is not yet 3, so can't ride the bus and the only way for him to go to the pumpkin patch with his daycare class was to have someone drive him.  That sweet little boy has always had a special place in my heart.  Not only because he is my nephew.  When he was born, it was a bittersweet moment for me.  Here was this beautiful baby, that I held when he was just hours old.  I held him and cried - tears of both joy and sorrow.  Pure joy for my family and sorrow that I was having such a hard time getting pregnant for the 2nd time.  Well, 2 weeks after Ben's birth I got pregnant.  What a double blessing.  But I lost that sweet baby.  The day after my d&c, my ex and I went to the cemetery to visit my Uncle Dean's grave. I cried and talked to Dean and asked him to watch over my babies.  When we were done, I needed to stop by Ben's house. I needed to hold a baby in my arms.  My sister-in-law was so sweet.  Ben was sleeping in his swing and she just lifted him out and put him in my arms.  I remember so vividly.  Why do we always remember the painful moments with more clarity than the joyful ones?  

I was crying, tears streaming down my face.  Ben was just cuddled in my arms.  All of a sudden, he stirred, opened his eyes, looked and gave me this gassy, baby smile. He then just went right to sleep.  It was both heartbreaking and wonderful.  Ben's daycare provider couldn't take him when my SIL's maternity leave was up, so my mom and I took turns watching him during the day.  I think that was instrumental in starting my healing process.  After having the baby girl I so desperately, desperately wanted taken, I could pour out my love on this sweet baby boy.  I got to rock him to sleep, sing to him, cuddle him, love him.  I could almost pretend he was kinda mine, in a way.  I love my niece and nephew in different ways - but just as much.  While Claire is just a joy, Ben saved me, in a way.  I will always look at him as the child I could never have.  Not that I think of him as "mine". I am not a looney (yet).  But I don't know how to explain it any differently.

Well, that was quite a tangent.  But what a trip down memory lane.  So bittersweet.  Those weeks I was pregnant with Junior were the happiest of my life.  Everything was good (except for the constant worry).  I was happy with my ex - I remember he would come home from work and I would just be happy to see him.  After I lost Junior, I didn't really care.  I was just relieved to get home and be able to take a pill and numb everything.  I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to eat. I just wanted escape.  And it was during those months that he found someone else and started his affair.  I truly believe the demise of the marriage took both of us.  Both of us did something wrong and both of us allowed it to happen.  I know my grief affected every aspect of my life - maybe that was his way of dealing with it.  I doubt it, because he was an unfeeling asshole, but hey, I will be generous and at least allow the possibility (not that I believe it, mind you).

Oh good lord - this is a horrible post.  You will have to bear with me as I find my way back to the funny side of things.  I just need to get a lot of this stuff out.

Did I mention yet I saw Sarah Palin speak here in town?  With my 30 year old youngster?  I will freely admit I am mostly a democrat.  There are aspects of both parties I don't agree with, but socially, I am more liberal.  As a woman, I am glad to have a female as a VP candidate (president would be better, but don't get me started).  But I would really like to have a female candidate not say "you betcha" in a speech/interview/debate.  Call me screwy, but I don't believe my VP should be quite so "down home" and "normal".  Crazy, I know.  But anyway. So we were at the event - didn't get in line early enough to sit in the auditorium, but we did get to stand in an overflow room and watch her on a big screen.  Well, she came into the overflow room and said a few words before the main part.  My 30 year old (I need a name for him - give me suggestions) was trying to snap a picture of this woman 50 feet away. I stood back and let him have his moment.  But as I was standing back, I happened to casually glance at his bottom.  And good lord, ladies, it was wonderful.  I can honestly say that I have not seen a pair of jeans look quite so good on a man in I don't know how long.  I didn't even watch Palin after that. I just stood a little behind him and watched that bottom.  We are going to a football game this weekend and I think I may ask him to break those jeans out again.  It did funny things to my insides.

Ok - so I managed to end on a good note. That is a small victory.

Negavite

It was negative.  This $10,000 procedure didn't work.  I am not pregnant.  I am pretty much giving up on the hope that I will ever be pregnant.  I have all of these feelings and no way to really get them out.  My mom has been the one I have been the most open with in all this.  But she cried when I told her it didn't work.  How can I unload all these feelings on her when she already feels horrible?  I have always tried to put on a strong face for my friends.  It is horrible, but I don't want them to see just how much this is affecting me.  I don't want anyone's pity.  And, yes, they are my friends, but christ.  Why does nothing ever work out for me?

I have a good job, I love my family dearly, I have good friends.  But I have an ex husband who cheated on me, have lost 4 children and am 38 years old.  All my life, I just wanted one thing. One.  I wanted to have my own family.  If I couldn't have that with a husband, well fine.  I could do it on my own...at least I thought I could.

When people run into my parents, they ask "what has happened to Amy lately".  Like everyone is just waiting for the next horrible thing.  And by god, I can't disappoint them, can I?

I know I have had a lot of bad things, horrible things, happen to me.  But I absolutely detest the pity.  So what if I am divorced?  Many people are - 50% of marriages and all that.  Yes, I have lost babies - and that is truly horrific.  But I have never behaved the victim to anyone.  I have had my pity parties here on my blog and to my mom/family and some friends.  But I always put on a brave face to the rest of the world.  It irks the HELL out of me that people still seem to have have this look of "poor you" on their faces when they ask how I am doing.  Why must my life be what others are thankful not to have??

My life has had some great experiences that many people never get.  Granted, they mainly revolve around meeting famous athletes, but still, that is something.  My life is not all bad.  But people still seem so sorry for me.

On one hand, I am grateful that they care.  And I know they do. I know these people honestly love me and wish nothing but the best for me.  And maybe they keep asking because they truly hope I have something great to share.

But when someone asks what is going on in my life, I have never once said "oh, I just lost a baby." "Oh, I lost another baby and a tube - I now have a 50% LESS chance of ever getting pregnant without assistance".  I never say the bad things.  And I always tell them a funny story. "Are you dating anyone?" "I am currently trying to become a cougar and working on a 30 year old" seems to be the popular one right now.  There is always some way to share things in my life in a humorous way.  But that is when I have my game face on.  When I hear someone say, always jokingly, "it's no wonder you can't get a man" I do get hurt. I mean, why would they say that?  I actually can get a man - I just can't find one I want to keep. And why should I settle?  

Although, today, right now, I think I would be happy to settle.  I would love to have a partner right now who would let me cry on his shoulder, hug me and tell me it will be ok.  Even though it won't, just to have someone would make this whole baby quest so much easier.  And not only cuz it would save me $800 on sperm each attempt!  But just to have another body to turn to for comfort.  Someone to share this load with.  Even my ex provided me some comfort after the loss of my 2nd baby.  And he was an asshole.  

And that is, I think, the most difficult part of this journey.  Not the realization that I may truly never have my own child (which is something I just can't even begin to process).  But the fact that I don't have anyone to share this with.  I don't have a husband/partner/boyfriend who I can go to, just sobbing, and walk into a hug.  I don't have anyone to wrap his arms around me and just let me rest and not be so strong all the time.  And that is what makes me cry.  Because if I truly had found someone, I might someday be able to deal with the fact that I can't have kids.  I would have that guy to grow old with and know that I wasn't alone.  Because as much as my family and friends love me, I am alone.  And I am now terrified I will be that way forever.  

18 Hours

I go in tomorrow for my blood work.  I have a very very bad feeling about this. I don't expect to get good news.  Most of the time I can be fairly positive, but I just don't have it in me right now.  I pray I am wrong, but we know how well prayer has worked for me in the past.

If I don't post for a while, you will know why.  

Almost there

Only 2 more days.  2 more days before I find out if my IVF worked or not.  It has been a bit since I posted.  Did I mention I got a bladder infection from the transfer??  Ummm, evidently it isn't a good idea to get your bladder full to the bursting point then be afraid to pee very much.  I was on bed rest except for potty breaks.  Well, to me, that means "pee as little as possible". So I tried not to drink much and then made quick work whenever I couldn't hold it any longer.

Evidently that is a bad plan.  But I went in for a "culture" on Monday and they called in some pills for me.  I found out that a lot of the time if you chart your temp after IVF, you will see a constant low grade fever.  That sounds almost obsessive enough for me to really enjoy.  But I didn't know about it in time.  And it wouldn't have mattered much as I most likely have a fever from the infection.

I am feeling a few twinges and have felt warm...but that could be due completely to the infection.  Who knows. I am trying not to drive myself crazy with this.  

What else to share?  Have finally broken down and am going to lunch with boring guy (remember the one I threw back but then he somehow washed ashore again?).  He has been emailing me pretty much daily.  I bet he has had bad luck with the ladies.  I mean, I am great and all, but great enough to email me every day even though I told him I didn't want to date???Doubtful.  Maybe he has realized the error of his cheap ways.  Doesn't matter - I don't think you can change cheap.

I am currently working on a younger man - 30 to my 38 (jesus that is old).  At first, I thought it would be kinda cool to be a "cougar" but that almost sounds pathetic...like I am desperate.  And while I am getting slightly desperate for sex, this whole pregnant or not thing the last couple weeks has messed with my plan.  If I am pregnant, no sex for me.  I remember when I was married, my beloved dr hottie told me that sex would more than likely cause me to spot.  Like I need that extra stress...not even for the most fabulous sex would I chance that.  Wait.  If I could guarantee there would be no issues with the baby/pregnancy, I would give it up for certain people.  Gerard Butler, my beloved-dead-too-soon-Denny (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), Dave Matthews, a skinny Rob Thomas (not so much the chubby version). Oh and Jim Esch.  That politician is yummy.

I need to stop that list.  What was my point? I think I was going to talk about my new interest, but I got distracted and now I don't recall exactly where I was going.  I think I am going to end it on that note.

I will be sure to tell all 2 readers (Hi Herpersmama!!) just what I find out on Saturday.  Keep me in your prayers!!

Waiting

I had my transfer on Wednesday.  It went very well.  Dr D called to tell me I had 7 embies to choose from and she was VERY pleased with their quality.  She picked 3 to transfer in.  I had to have a full bladder when I got to the hospital at 9:30, so I thought "ok, I will tinkle at 8:00 and then drink water like crazy".  I mean, I didn't want to be in massive pain cuz I needed to potty...just minor pain.  

I am laying in bed in the hospital and the nurse tells me it is time to take my valium.  I drink 1/2 of a bottle of water with it...my 3rd bottle, mind you.  I am comfortably uncomfortable if that make sense.  Then 15 minutes later, I am in HELL.  I don't know that I have ever been that uncomfortable.  It wasn't that I needed to pee, like where you cross your legs. It was "I have a SHARP SHOOTING pain down there and I can't stand it."  My mom called the nurse and, lord love her, she let me tinkle a bit to relieve the pressure.  She was a true angel.  

So then I have to walk down to the room where they will do the transfer....and by walk, I mean a hunched-over-shuffle.  I get on the table, feet in stirrups and the RE inserts the speculum.  That was NOT fun.  She keeps telling me I am going to push it out unless I relax.  Umm, lets see. My bladder is going to explode and I am to relax.  That valium didn't work at all.  I know during the transfer the u/s tech made some comment, but I couldn't, for the life of me, repeat it.  After the transfer, they put a catheter in. Let me tell you this: that feeling was almost better than sex.  It was pure JOY.  I just laid there with my eyes closed going "ahhhhhh".  My RE gave me pictures of the embies - I think she showed me which ones she transfered but I was so blissed out by the catheter that I don't know for sure what ones they were.

So I went home with my mom, laid on my butt and basically tried not to move very much.  It was boring, but necessary.  Now I am waiting.  I had a blood draw this morning - to find out what I am not sure.  I need to ask when they call in.

OH! I had some more good news.  All 4 remaining embies made it to blast stage and have gone to the freezer!  That is great news!! Hopefully I won't need them, but I am so blessed to have them there.  I pray that if I need them, 2 would make it through the thaw phase.  But I am not going to think of that yet.  I am just praying like crazy and hoping I will have some sticky beans in there. Please please please please please please...you get the idea.

6 Eggs

I had my retrieval on Sunday.  It was a fairly odd experience - I went to the hospital, changed into a fabulous hospital gown and got some drugs.  They put me in a twilight sleep and took out 12 eggs.  It only took about 15 minutes and I woke up from the drugs about 20 minutes after the procedure.  They gave me some super strong tylenol and I went home.  I ended up sleeping most of the day with a heating pad on cuz I had some massive cramps.

I still feel pretty bloated, but no pain.  The dr called and they injected sperm (ICSI) directly into 11 of the eggs (evidently 1 ruptured or something).  Of the 11 that were injected,  7 fertilized - but only 6 fertilized normally.  I don't know if they are all good or what. I don't even know if it is normal to only have 50% of the eggs retrieved fertilized.  To me, that number seems low...but who knows.

The DR will call me again tomorrow to let me know what time my transfer is on Wednesday and will also give me an update on the status of the eggs.  They will transfer 3 (if available).  If there are more than 3 that are in good shape, they will freeze the remaining...just in case I need a frozen embryo transfer. What I REALLY want to happen is this cycle works and I can save the frozen ones for future siblings. :)  I have been praying as much as I can possibly pray.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, people.  I will update tomorrow when I know what the situation is. 

Countdown Part Duex

Man - I really can't get that song out of my head!!  At least, I think it is that song.  I really can only think of one part...I am just assuming that part goes to that hair band song. Oh well.  UPDATE:  The song is Europe's "Final Countdown" - Thank you herpersmama for the info!  I am glad to know I am not making songs up in my head.

So, I went to the RE today and paid for my procedure.  They really need to give you something when they show you that invoice...vallium, xanax, something.  Cuz that is terrifying.  But I smiled and blithely signed my life away.  My lining is coming along (still) and my follies are not quite there. My nurse said I have plenty of time to get my lining up to snuff.   I am to continue the protocol and go back Friday morning.  They estimate the retrieval will be Sunday.  Which is good, as I only have 4 more shots left of my stims.  I have EXACTLY enough to get me to Friday morning and then I am done....out...finished.  Oh! Remember the shots I need to take to prevent ovulation?  The ones that are $98 each shot?  Well, those puppies buuurrrnnn.  They are not fun.  They hurt going in and then they burn for about 5 minutes after.  Ahh the joys I get to experience.  But I get 2 more days of them.  Yay!!

So, if I have retrieval on Sunday, I will have the transfer on Wednesday.  Can you say "holy crap!!!"  A week, people.  7 terrifying days until the transfer.  Yikes.

Ok - need to run.  Will try to post more when I have time.