Negative

My first procedure didn't work.  I must admit that I felt pretty normal when I woke up on Friday knowing that I would take the pregnancy test.  I didn't feel any sort of excitement at all.  I guess I already knew the answer, so it wasn't much of a shock.  I am having a pity party this weekend - eating all the foods that are bad for me and having a general "screw it" sort of attitude.  One would think that after 4 negatives, I would be past the whole pity party stage - but one would be wrong.

I should have enough experience with disappointment that it feels like an old comfy sweatshirt.  But I still rage at god and the world.  I just found out that a step cousin had a baby and no one even knew she was pregnant.  She had absolutely no prenatal care, didn't tell a soul and still gave birth to a healthy baby girl (or at least as healthy as can be with a smoker mom who didn't change her life one iota).  I just don't understand the karma in that situation.  

I have always tried to live by the golden rule, I am a good daughter/sister/friend.  I didn't even do anything horrible to my ex when I moved out....even though I desperately wanted to put shrimp in the curtain rods or a piece of meat in a niche by the dishwasher that he never would have found.  What is so terrible about me that I can't get pregnant?  What have I done to piss off karma so stinking much?  

Blah blah blah. Poor little me.  I know I should look at the positives - I have an incredible family, great friends, good job and a life that I enjoy.  I am self-sufficient, independent and generally happy.  What can "the plan" possibly have in store for me that I can't have a child?

I need something to cheer me up (good sex could help, but unfortunately, I have no outlets for that one).  I can't shop because Dr. D keeps my credit card smoking.  I could eat but those stinking drugs have already added a couple lbs to my ass, hips and thighs.  So I have rented some weepy movies and will curl up and have a good cry.  

I wanted to go out last night but had to work my part time job.  Tonight my friends tried to get me to go out but today I am crampy, cranky and generally a downer.  Lord love them for trying, but I don't even want to subject my mom to this mood.  Which is stupid, because I am venting to whoever stumbles across this and bringing them down - or making them feel better because they don't have my life. :)

My mom has suggested that I should share my experiences because I can help other women in my situation.  Which sounds good - I have lots of experiences to share, but who would want to hear them?  Why would someone want to hear all I have gone through and still don't have a baby?  I suppose my lesson would be that you can get through anything.  Just put one foot in front of the other and trudge your way through.  Life has to get easier/better soon.

I do wish I could have a crystal ball to see if this is ever going to work.  It would be so much easier to know that this is all going to work out sometime and I will get what I want.  Instead, I am left to depend on hope and faith - not the most sturdy ground for me.

Ok, time to end on a good note.  This is who I want my baby daddy to look like (look to the top) - and I want to get pregnant the old fashion way. :)  Ok, so I have absolutely no idea how to do photo layouts. I wanted the picture at the bottom and not the top.