Update...

Hi Kids. I am back from vacation - and it was fabulous.  6 days just lazing on water, watching my niece and nephew and burning places that shouldn't have seen sun.  It was wonderful.

I don't really have anything new on the baby front.  I had an IUI on the 20th (I think) and am currently in the 2 week wait.  I will take a pregnancy test on 8/5.  I lucked out and the dr put me on shots of progesterone rather than the suppositories (thank you god).  I just got to shoot up every other day.  One day on vacation I was giving myself my shot.  I didn't pinch my buttocks (like I was supposed to) and when I pulled the needle out, it was seriously like a shot of blood flew out.  It was projectile bleeding.  It went about 6 inches.  It was completely crazy.  I have easily remembered that I need to pinch ever since that.

Hmmm. Let's see. I don't really have anything else worth adding.  While I loved LOVED lazing on the water and getting an amazing tan (I look good!!), it is nice to be back to my life.  

Here we go

I have been shooting up for about 10 days now.  I went in for an ultrasound & blood work on Thursday.  She says my lining is "not good".  Which is crap.  I have never had an issue with my lining.  Then she goes on to say that I have 3 decent follicles/eggs in my left ovary and about 5 or 6 in my right.  Which is even bigger crap since I don't have a tube on the right side.  I mean, seriously, how sucky is this?  But it is me this is happening to, so I guess it is par for the course. (poor poor me... :) )

So I am told to start taking baby aspirin to help with the lining - no big deal.  I go in for another ultrasound on Saturday.  I was told the lining is "coming along".  No egg counting this time, but oh well.  Then they said the dr was concerned with my LH level in my blood and I had to go in for a blood draw on Sunday morning.  

Here is the really horrible part.  I had to set my alarm clock on Saturday AND Sunday.  And I was even out late both nights.  I mean really, there should be some sort of rule that if you must get up before 6:00 a.m. on a weekend, you get some sort of good karma or "credit" someplace.  Ahhh, if only I ran the world, people.  Whoops, got side tracked.

So, LH level questionable and another blood draw.  I get a call today and evidently the level must be fine, because I am to give myself the trigger shot today at 10:00 and go in for an IUI on Tuesday.  And here is a sign from god:  Tuesday is also the Dave Matthews Band concert.  Dave Matthews always takes me to my "happy place."  When I see him doing his little "dance" while playing and singing, I just have to give a happy little sigh.  Back when I was in college, I went to one of his concerts.  Our seats were first row, right by the steps the enter/exit they stage from.  Horrible seats for a show, but the good part is coming.  So, after they are done with their set, they are leaving the stage.  Me, being the fanatic that I am, am waving at Dave (not flashing any body parts, though) professing my love.  He points at me and says to my friend "I want her to have my babies."  Which I would be very happy to do, but he didn't let me know where he was staying.  Oh, to get so close and have it all yanked away.  What?  You don't believe me?  Hmph.  Well, you weren't there, so how could you know?  My friends will back me up on this. :)

Ok, so where was I going with this?  Oh yes, it is a sign.  Actually, I don't know how I feel about this cycle.  There just seem to be so many things that didn't go as they should: my lining, my LH (whatever that is), my diet.  It is completely asinine when I am spending this much money on a cycle for me to not prepare as best I can, but I just couldn't.  I had a couple glasses of wine.  I didn't drink as much water as I should have.  I really didn't obsess about this cycle at all.  I guess we will see how that worked for me.

I leave on vacation Thursday morning and am SO looking forward to it.  6 days spent lazing around water, using progesterone suppositories, surrounded by family and chasing after my niece and nephew.  I think I have some xanex that I may take and give to the kids on the sly to calm them down.  I have a feeling they are going to be a bit on the wild side.

Awkward!!!

So this has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy.  But you remember boring guy?  The one I threw back into the pond????  Well, technically, I don't know whether "threw back" is the correct term.  I pretty much ended things how I normally do.  Avoidance.  I avoided his phone calls, emails and texts and just didn't contact him again.  

I was completely horrible and just stopped all contact.  I know.  How old am I?  Old enough to know better?  Yes, most definitely.  Old enough to care?  Not really.  I know it was rude and unforgivable.   I know all of these things. But still, oh well.  He doesn't live in my area of town, he definitely didn't like doing anything that I do, so, really, what did it matter if I was immature and rude???

Evidently, karma thought it mattered a lot.  I went to eat at a restaurant not 10 blocks from my house with my parents.  I walk in, look to the hostess and who do I see over her shoulder?  Boring guy.  With other people. Sitting at a table staring at me.  Now, mind you, I am far enough away to not be 100% certain that it is him.  But I know.  I am just not lucky enough to have it NOT be him.  So the hostess leads us to a table in a different section (thank you jesus).  As we sit down, my mom is like "do you know that guy?  he was staring at you".  I say "that is boring guy." So, of course, since I got my subtlety from my mom, she almost stands up trying to get a glimpse of him.  I am hissing at her to sit down, but she doesn't care. She just wants to check him out and see who I have been talking about.

My dad, bless him, had not a clue about what was happening.  He was just focused on a picture of spinach artichoke dip.  But I managed to ignore the tingling at the back of my neck and dine with my parents.  Later, Mom looks over my shoulder and tells me that he is leaving and is glancing over my way.  Another thank you jesus moment because my back is to the door.  

See, this is probably a good example of why I should try to end these dates on a good note.  This town is, evidently, not big enough to NOT run into people again.  Although, I have not run into my ex.  Hmm.  That hardly seems fair.  I can run into the guy that I treated a smidge poorly but can't run into the guy who devastated my life?  Because I have it all planned out for how I am going to act should that day ever happen.  And I will be fabulous and brilliant and gorgeous.  Again, soooooo not fair.  Ah well.

Let's see.  What other interesting tidbits do I have?  I was out last night (date, you ask?  Answer: not sure, but it was fun).  Anyway, it came time to give myself the shot.  I had a little bag around with needles, the 2 vials of meds and the 1 vial of saline since I had HOPED I would be out fairly late.  Guess where I got to shoot up at?   In a bathroom?  Naah, too easy.  I shot up in my car.  Talk about a bit uncomfortable.  And I think I missed the circle of life (as I like to call the target area) and went a bit too south.  I bled like crazy...which worked out well because I was in my car.  I couldn't see what was happening or where it was happening.  I got blood all over my shorts.  Mental note to self:  try to avoid this situation in the future.  That, or get a big mirror to keep in there.

Oprah

Oprah had a special on kids with donor sperm biological fathers.  Almost every person with a DI dad alluded to some sort of missing piece or emptiness...which made me think.  What am I setting my (please god) future child up for?

When I was trying to decide if I should go down this path, I tried to think of how I would tell my child about his/her conception.  How could I make them understand?  I blindly thought by telling them just how desperately I wanted them, how much of a gift they are to me, it would be ok.  I had planned on saying the donor was a wonderful person who had given of themselves to try and help me attain my greatest dream.  I was going to read all I could in order to help me and that child.  But what if it isn't enough?

What if I don't do it right?  What if this child, who was/is so desperately wanted, feels "less" than other kids?  I can hear my mom's voice right now "Don't be silly.  That child will be completely surrounded by love - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts, great uncles.  All of whom will love that child unconditionally.  Besides, how many kids these days actually have two parents active in their lives?"

All of which I get and agree with.  But what if I fail, somehow, to make it ok?  There is just so much that terrifies me on this journey:  first and foremost, failure of even carrying a baby to term.  God knows how devastating each loss is - can I handle never actually holding my own child??

But what if it works?  What then?  I have a plan of attack; I am not going into this quest thinking that all will be solved once I have a baby. I know life is going to be difficult and stressful - but I also know I will wake up each day so thankful for that little life.  But what about that little life?  Will I be able to provide all he/she needs?  Materialistically, I highly doubt it.  Unless my plan to win the lottery works, I will not be able to give my child all he/she asks for.  But that isn't bad.  My parents are firmly middle class - I had the most amazingly ugly car in high school (but it turns out it wasn't such a bad idea.  The way I drove, I needed a tank.); I didn't have all the fashionable clothes or gizmos.  But I knew I was loved and I had all that I needed.  

And isn't that the most important thing?  When I get completely freaked out, that is what I need to focus on.  I will love my child and be thankful each day (which could be hard during teenage years) and hopefully that will be enough.  It certainly has to be better than some.

As for the donor dad thing, maybe I will just tell them my new boyfriend Gerard Butler got stranded in Omaha for a few days.  

What to do

So of course, AF showed today.  My dr's office said that I do, probably, have enough time for an attempt before I leave.  Now I don't know what to do.  I was almost looking forward to the time off to just "be"...no pressure, no shots, just prepare my body for another attempt.

I can take this one of two ways:  it is a sign, a positive sign, that I should go ahead.  With my system being "cleaned out", that would only help to get a pregnancy.  Or it could just be fate's way of playing a cruel joke on me.  Sure, you can try, but then spend $400 on meds just to not have an IUI because I ran out of time.

I just don't know.  I guess I will wait for the results of the ultrasound tomorrow and go from there.  I do know it is not going to be fun doing the suppositories on vacation.  But those things are never fun.  I just don't know if I could live with myself if I had this opportunity and didn't take it - I would always wonder if this would have been my month and I didn't go for it.

I guess it is just money - and I have already spent a ton of it in this journey.  I can't weigh money spent verses the chance to have a child.  Arrgghh.  The worst part of this journey is the uncertainty, the second guessing, the wondering...and the hope.  That hope always seems to make me hurt that much more.

Ok, let's see what positives I can take from this:  AF did show up, kinda on time.  I have a very full two weeks in front of me, with a concert I have been looking forward to for months (yay! Dave Matthews).  I am going on vacation with my family, who I absolutely adore spending time with.  I cannot wait to see what is going to come out of my nephew's mouth next.  He is 2 1/2.  At grandma's the other day, he was looking for the cat, Max.  He said "Grandma, where Max?"  Grandma: "I don't know, honey. I guess you will have to call him.".  His response? "Ok, where cell phone?".  I think that is going to go down as my favorite Ben story for years.  That kid loves to talk on the phone.

Ok, enough for now.  I am in a "wait and see" mode.

Arrrggghhh

So I am "patiently" waiting for AF to show.  It figures that the ONE time I really want her, she doesn't show.  I am leaving on vacation the 24th, so in order to try an IUI this month, I needed cycle day 1 to be today....otherwise I don't have time for the IUI before vacation.

I figured if I couldn't have an attempt this month, then the dr would want me on birth control pills to make sure that the ovaries stay clean and no friendly cysts appear.  When I spoke to a nurse, she was like "well, do you want a pill so your cycle will start?"  Umm, hello?  That would have been nice to know a week ago.  But then I started thinking...would I really want to try a cycle when my body wasn't actually ready?  To me, it seems like forcing a cycle upon my body wouldn't be good.  So in a way I was glad I didn't know about the option earlier.  At least I didn't have to make a decision.

I do need to call next week if AF hasn't shown.  Then I will at least get the bcp should it start on vacation (which would royally suck).

Can I tell you how glad I am that I expressed shipped the meds here from Europe and paid an additional $50 to make sure they were here?  Because right now they are sitting on my table mocking me.  Oh well.

Nothing else is new.  I did throw boring guy back into the pond.  I will let some other woman try him out.  He was very nice, but CHEAP.  I can put up with a lot, but cheap can't be overcome.   Besides, I was actually a bit freaked out that he didn't mind my whole baby quest.  How stupid is that?  I would be crushed if I really liked someone and he ran when I told him what I was doing, yet I run when some guys embraces it.  Hmmm.  If I saw a therapist they would have a field day with that one.  

I still feel very positive about the next try...lord knows my credit card needs a break.  My donor 2480 is expensive!  Maybe I should have visited the bar of desperation and tried the natural route....naaahhh.  I don't think I can spin that for when my child asks about their dad.  At least this shows how desperately I want that child. The other way just makes me look a bit too easy. :)